Page 32 of Jagged Edges

At that moment, I understood. I understood what he was asking and why he was asking it. Yet, I didn’t have the power or the confidence to respond, because I, too, had been quickly humbled. The high he’d had me on for the last two days vanished and I was left with the lung-damaging smoke and fogginess. I said nothing as I scooted toward the top of the bed and allowed my back to slam against the cloth headboard.

“Brisk, why didn’t you tellme?” Bello pried at the center of his chest.

Nothing. I had nothing to say. There were so many reasons why and they were all quite valid. But, I was still trying to digest the fact that my safety had been compromised while I slept peacefully just upstairs. I felt violated, beyond measures, though it wasn’t the case. I was certain that Bello meant well, but I couldn’t process someone discovering my truths without having the chance to give it to them myself.

In this case, though, I had no plans of telling Bello anything about my living situation. Not until I’d used the money that Melonie had given me to get on my feet and begin a new life. Not until I felt like I could stand on my own two feet and finally switch off the survival mode I’d been in since fourteen. Not until I was stable and I could finally laugh about the rough few years I had starting.

“Say something!” Bello demanded.

“I have nothing to say, Bello. You’ve figured it all out it seems,” I tossed over my shoulder with a shrug as my heart split into pieces. “If you don’t mind, I’ll take my keys, now.”

I’d scooched to the side of the bed and stood to my feet. My heart was begging me to stay, but my feet just wouldn’t stop moving once they hit the floor. Instead of heading for the large closet with all the gifts Bello had brought me, I grabbed my tattered pieces from the entry closet and pulled on a pair of tights.

Bello’s footsteps were slow and calculated, but boisterous in the quiet loft, nonetheless. Totally out of my element, I counted them as my eyes began to tingle from the burning that started just behind them and worked its way through. The thick layer of saltiness that formed in the corners fell, lubricating my bottom lashes before hitting the top of my cheeks and sliding down my face.

Not bothering to grab a pair of socks, I settled on the pink slides for my feet. I slid into them with ease. The remainder of my belongings were scattered in the process, causing me to drop to my knees in an attempt to collect them all.

“Brisk, baby, what are you doing?” Bello called from behind me.

Unable to face him with the remnants of my tears at my chin and running down my chest, I remained forward but stopped to respond. My heart wouldn’t allow me to ignore him. Neitherwould my head. In this short amount of time, Bello meant too much to me. I’d never genuinely enjoyed every second with any human other than Melonie.

Yet, he was here and making me utterly happy to the point that my cheeks burned with happiness and my body threatened to burst from pure joy. He’d seen the better parts of me, ones that were intentionally revealed. Now, he’d seen the depths of me and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel.

The last thing I wanted was for him to see me as anyone other than the person he’d been getting to know over the last few days because it would obstruct his view and his goal would never be the same. Instead of falling head over heels for me, he’d be more focused on saving me but I didn’t need saving nor sympathy. I needed love.

“Brisk.” Even the way he said my name was…different.

“I don’t want your sympathy, Bello,” I fussed, still collecting my things.

“I hadn’t planned on giving it to you.”

“Then, why are you right here right now? Huh?”

Finally, I snapped my body until it was standing as tall as it could, allowing the clothes I’d collected to fall onto the floor, again. My body spun, doing a one-eighty and ending with my eyes on his. The pain within them mirrored mine. Before I was able to get out another word, my face was in the palms of his hands where I witnessed the glossiness of his orbs, too.

“Just don’t go, aight? I’m not judging you. I’m not sympathizing with you. I’m not thinking any differently of you. And, maybe I should’ve come at you from another angle or some shit. I don’t know. I’m just fucked up, Brisk. Mmmm, kay? I’m fucked up knowing that life served you a bag of bullshit and you’re making that shit look good, love.

“That shit broke my fucking heart when I swung them doors open. I’ve never had my shit broken by anything or anyoneexcept my mother when she found a brick of hard in my basement. And not even that felt worse than this. So forgive me if I addressed this the wrong way. I’m just trying to tame this shit inside of me that has me ready to lay something down behind you!”

Thick, gooey snot trickled down my nose as I listened to Bello speak from his heart. I’d known he meant well to begin with but him discovering my secret sealed me with a bitterness that wasn’t his fault. I simply didn’t want him or anyone to know my situation. It wasn’t ideal, but it was life for me.

“I’m homeless, Bello,” I confessed for the first time, ever. Of course, Melonie knew but she’d used so many clues to figure it out. I’d never given her a straight answer. Hearing it come from my mouth felt like having a dagger pierce my chest. Though painful, it was my reality.

“But… but, it’s not the end of the world.” I gargled, choking on every word that came from my throat.

“It’s the end of that world for you,” he declared, pulling me in for a warm embrace.

“I don’t understand,” Crying into the depths of his shoulder, I admitted.

“Tomorrow, we’re going to find you an apartment. Any apartment you want as long as it’s in Channing City.”

Pulling back, I wiped my face as best I could, but there was no use. The tears simply kept flowing. “I can’t let you do that for me.”

“You won’t be letting me do anything, love.”

“Melonie saved a lot of money from shopping and gave it to me. She wanted me out of the van and this was her chance. I don’t want to take that from her.”

“Then, don’t. But, we can still go check out a few spots tomorrow. Whatever you need that the money she gave you doesn’t cover, I got.”

---