Page 132 of One Touch

“Right. Pretty heavy, huh?”

“Heavy is right.”

He paused for a moment. “Lils, I’ve got some good news.”

“Oh?”

He nodded. “We’ve been struggling to keep things, you know,feelings-less. Haven’t we?”

That was one way to put it. “Mmhmm.”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot since the wedding. I think I’ve got the solution.”

“Okay.”

“I think our problem is that we’ve been living together. This crazy forced proximity thing that we have going on, it makes you . . . feel things that aren’t necessarily real. Or maybe they’re a bit real, but they feel so much stronger because we can’t get away from each other.”

My head was spinning. All I could manage was: “Okay.”

“Susie has agreed to stay over with Ava while I’m on call with the fire service.”

I felt like I was drowning. I swallowed hard, my throat tight. “What about Ava?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “I mean, what’s my role with her now?”

Ethan’s eyes softened. “Don’t worry, Lils, I’ll still pay you—”

“Pay me?” I almost screamed the words. “You think I care about the money?”

“You’re upset?” He looked genuinely stunned.

“I don’t know. I care about Ava. I care about you.”

“I understand. I want to keep seeing you.”

“You’re firing me as Ava’s nanny? And you want me to move out and be your fuck buddy who you pay?”

“Look, I just think . . . maybe we should have a more traditional arrangement. You know, where you don’t live here. It’s the reason we keep breaking the rules.”

“It’s not.” I swallowed. “It’s not the reason we broke the rules at the party. It’s not the reason I slept in your bed. It’s not the reason we talked about our feelings.”

“Right, we were drunk.”

“No.” I shook my head. “We did that stuff because there is something between us. And you’re too scared to admit it.”

He paused for a moment. “So, you’re not willing to give this a try?”

“Give what a try?”

“This. Changing the game plan. Guarding our hearts.”

“The game plan, Ethan?” I started pacing around the room. “This isn’t a game anymore. You can try and pretend that something isn’t going on between us, but there is. It’s not just sex. It’s not just two broken people comforting each other. This is more than that.”

Ethan grabbed hold of my shoulders and turned me around to face him. “What is it, then?”

Suddenly, it hit me. It was so blindingly obvious. I couldn’t pretend for another minute. So, I simply said it. “It’s love.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I love you.” It was so simple. So true. “I love Ava and I love you. I’m mad at myself for loving you, but I can’t help it.”

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