Page 75 of Broken Bonds

I clear my throat again. “The first time you were… intimate with someone after Salice…” I trail off, suddenly feeling unsure.

She doesn’t let me wallow in my uncertainty for long, picking up what I’m asking.

“Ah. I see. Guilt is a…” She blows out a breath, searching for the right words. “It’s a complicated emotion. The ones we lost and loved are gone, but we still feel their presence, feel our connection to them. So, when someone new comes along, it’s hard for us not to be filled with guilt at the new emotions we’re being made to feel. I didn’t deal with losing Salice the right way, not that thereisa right way to deal with loss. When I say that, I mean, I lost her, and I searched for relief for my pain in other people. Did it help? No, because it was all meaningless. Their faces blurred together, and I used them to make myself feel better, even if it was only briefly. I experienced guilt every time I slept with someone new. And when I tried to get into a relationship a year after she passed, my guilt ate at me even more because it felt like I was trying to replace her, so that ended. I wasn’t ready. I may never be ready. But maybe there is someone else out there for me and the guilt won’t drown me. Because I know Salice would want me to find happiness again someday. She said it plenty before she was gone.”

She pauses, her expression becoming thoughtful. When she turns her gaze towards me, her eyes searching, her face softens, and her features lighten.

“But I get the feeling that’s not what you’ve done that’s got you tied up in guilty knots.”

I shake my head, nibbling on my lip.

“My alphas… are all I’ve known for over a decade. I never pictured myself with anyone but them as the years went on, never expected they wouldn’t be here one day. The fact that I’m even still breathing without them still amazes me, although it was a little touch and go there in the beginning. But then Forde showed up.”

The smallest hint of a smile comes to my lips unbidden as I think about when he showed up on my doorstep, resolute to pull me out of the hole I’d put myself in since losing my guys.

“He’s been such a big help, finding ways for me to let out all my pent-up emotions, or if I just need company, he’s been there. I feel safe and heard and like everything will be okay when he’s around.”

My brows furrow as I say that, realizing it’s true. Everything feels just a little easier when Forde is around. He has a way of calming the storm that rages inside of me on any given day.

“So, there’s an emotional connection that’s happened. Is that what’s got you feeling guilty?” Shelby asks.

“No… I mean… It wasn’t. I don’t think I’d even realized I’ve bonded with him on an emotional level.”

I tell her about last night. From the moment we left the diner to when I told Forde to leave. I make sure not to leave anything out, even the sordid bits, though I do blush when I tell her about those without going too much into detail. When I’m done, I lean my head against the top of the table and groan, feeling like an even bigger asshole now that I’ve said everything out loud.

“I’m a horrible person,” I moan, which makes Shelby chuckle.

“No, you’re not. You’re a grieving, pregnant omega. Ramsey, it’s totally okay for you to feel the way you’re feeling, and it’s even understandable. They’ve only been gone a short while, and now there’s someone you feel a connection to, but it feels too soon. I want you to ask yourself, if your alphas had a say, would they encourage you to let Forde in, or would they be upset?”

That’s a no brainer. Rule, Van, Ollie, and Lake would all want me to be happy, to feel safe and comforted. To be loved.

I don’t even have to answer her because she can see it written all over my face. I scowl, hating that her words are resonating with me but also grateful for how straight up she’s being.

“That’s what I thought. Look, I’m not going to tell you not to feel guilty. It may be a while before that stops. And I’m not telling you to jump into a new relationship either, because until you’re truly ready, that won’t do anything but break some hearts. We don’t want that. I do think you and Forde need to have a discussion. From what you said, he’s prepared to take on all that guilt if it means you continue to get better. He’s probably kicking himself for doing what he did, even though you consented. He sounds like a great alpha.”

“He is. He would have fit in with my guys effortlessly,” I say with a soft smile.

“Maybe they picked him out just for you, then,” she says with a wink, making me scoff a laugh.

But she’s not wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, those four assholes sent Forde to me in their own way.

Shelby and I continue our conversation for a bit longer after that. Talking to her is effortless, and when she speaks of Salice, you can tell just how deep her love for her runs. My heart aches for the alpha with sad, deep blue eyes. The sorrow caused by the loss of her omega is evident, even though she tries to conceal it behind her smiles and infectious energy.

The front door slams open and when I look over, I see Jillian rushing in with a smile on her face.

Rams, you’ll never believe— Oh, hello,” Jillian says, stopping at the entryway to the kitchen when she sees I have a visitor.

“Jilly, this is Shelby. She runs the support group I’ve been going to.”

Shelby turns and when she locks eyes on Jillian, her body goes rigid. Jillian smiles and holds her hand out, stepping closer to shake Shelby’s hand.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Jillian. Beta bestie to the preggo eggo back there.”

Though Shelby remains silent, I can’t help but notice her shudder as her hand finds Jillian’s. For the first time since meeting her, I think the alpha is speechless.

Hmm.

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