Page 34 of The Sundered Blade

“But it’s different this time, isn’t it?” Leisa’s voice held a note that Karreya’s instincts insisted was compassion. “Before, it’s always been strangers. It’s always been about your duty to the Empire. Now, it’s at least partially about you.”

“Yes,” Karreya acknowledged. “And if I hesitate, I know I will fail. The necessary decisions may be difficult and brutal, so I must know myself and my desires completely before I face them. But how can I do so? The man I seek is a mystery to me, and therefore…” It finally struck her. “Therefore, a part ofmeis a mystery as well.”

And she did not like it. She had barely known her father, and even his face was little more than a memory, so why should this matter so much to her?

Leisa reached over to place a hand on her arm, and Karreya blinked as she stared at the hand. It was a touch of comfort—generous and instinctual. Did all Abreians touch one another so easily?

“I know this may come as little consolation,” Leisa said, “but I believe this is a very human reaction. You were old enough when he left to have learned to desire his approval. And to take the hurt of his abandonment and make it a part of yourself, even without knowing.”

Karreya considered that for a moment. Absorbed the flinch that echoed through her mind when she heard the words. Was it true?

“How do you know these things?” she demanded. “Is this a knowledge that all Abreians are taught when they are children?”

Leisa’s lips curved in amusement. “Not at all,” she said. “But they are a part of my own story. And just because those wretches at the Enclave told you it was wrong to have feelings doesn’t mean you won’t have them. You will. All they did was ensure that those feelings will catch you by surprise and make you weaker instead of stronger.”

What an odd thought. “Can such feelings make us stronger?” Karreya asked doubtfully. “I believe that love, hope, friendship… those are good. But what of anger, shame, and doubt? How can such things make us better?”

“By looking at them squarely, naming them, and bringing them into the light,” Leisa told her. “They are there whether we choose them or not. But if we can learn not to flinch from them… We take away the power of others to make us feel small and broken. And what greater strength can there be than to take away another’s ability to control us?”

Truth. Even Madame Inci would admit that such power would be a potent weapon indeed. So why did the Enclave not teach such things?

She eyed her cousin curiously. “How did you become so wise?”

Leisa let out a gurgle of laughter. “I am flattered,” she said with a smile. “But I do not feel wise in any sense of the term. I am weak, and I am wounded, but somehow, I am still standing. More than that, I am loved, and I know that my heart is safe with the ones who love me. Perhaps that is the only secret wisdom I possess—knowing that I can face the darkness within me without fear, because those who stand beside me will never flinch, no matter what I find.”

Face the darkness within her without fear…

Karreya had thought that of Niell once, and now knew it to be true. He had not turned away from her when he learned her true identity. And perhaps it was only Niell who could truly understand this turmoil now raging within her as she prepared to face her father once more.

An uncomfortable surge of longing shot through her—a wish that Niell could be here with her, instead of many miles away. Something about his blinding smile and ridiculous flirting made her feel as though she were not an ocean away from her home, but somewhere familiar and safe.

“How long have you been in love with Vaniell?”

Leisa’s question startled her into glancing over, wide-eyed, wondering if she had somehow made the unthinkable mistake of speaking her thoughts aloud.

Leisa’s laughter rang out when she saw Karreya’s expression. “No, you didn’t say anything, but there was no need. You were thinking of someone who mattered to you. And even if you choose to deny it, I know you were hoping for more from him before he left.”

That much was true. But she could not truly be angry with him. Not when she had also failed to speak what was in her heart, because she had not understood it. Perhaps he had felt the same. Perhaps his own heart was filled with just as much turmoil and frustration.

“I do not know the answer to your question,” she confessed. “Because I am not certain that I know what it is to love. I know that I wish to be near him. That I am less anxious when I know he is unhurt, and that I would kill without hesitation to protect him. He has said that I am the only one allowed to stab him, and that he wishes to have me at his side. That I should not run away, because he will find me when this is over.” She sighed deeply, tilting her face skyward as her horse ambled along so slowly he might have been asleep. “But I do not know what any of it means.”

She glanced at Leisa. “If I am not mistaken, the two of you have a difficult history.”

“Difficult is one word,” Leisa admitted with a lopsided smile. “But Vaniell has been playing a deep game for many years. I’m not certain I truly know him. But I am cautiously ready to believe that he is, in fact, a decent man who was abused and manipulated by the man he believed to be his father. Who has been trying his best to make up for his mistakes. Beyond that… only his actions will tell.”

Karreya had seen enough of Niell’s actions to know that he was a man of deep courage, principle, and determination. But that did not mean he loved her. He had said only that he did not see her as a plaything. That he wanted her at his side, and not as a guard or an assassin. But what?

From up ahead, she heard a brief exclamation from Senaya, which jerked her eyes up to the road.

Soldiers—a full company of them—were arrayed across the path, standing behind what appeared to be a sturdily constructed barricade.

“Stop, and state your business,” one of them called out. “You are approaching the royal city of Hanselm, and all travelers must submit to questioning.”

“Well, that’s new,” Leisa muttered under her breath. “He used to let anyone and everyone just march in through the open gates.”

“Hello,” she called back, her voice friendly and her expression open. “We are here to meet family. Our father has joined the army, and we were unable to keep the farm running, so we have come to seek a position with a distant cousin.”

Karreya had a great deal of practice, but it was still difficult to hear so many lies rolling off Leisa’s tongue.

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