Page 84 of Ho Ho Oh No

Instead of going the traditional route, he created the next best thing. Or perhaps he made a family even better than he would’ve had if he had chosen a different path.

“What’s that look for?” Lettie asks, snapping me back into the moment.

“Just thinking about how perfect this is for?—”

“No way!” Val yelps, bolting to her feet. “Lily!”

The hairs at my nape stand on end. A chill creeps down my spine.

There’s a disturbance in the Force.

Val dashes across the waiting room with her arms spread wide. And runs right smack dab into my worst nightmare.

The Amos-holes are here.

Ho, ho, oh fuck no.

Chapter 22

A thrill of hope

SUE

Madeline’s gentle confidence while handling the babies is captivating. I can’t take my eyes off her. The way she holds them, speaks to them, and even how she looks at them. It’s mesmerizing.

Her soft arms and hands simultaneously provide safety and comfort. It’s as if each move she makes exists in a tapestry of gracefulness and strength.

I study it all, practically taking notes.

I’m itching to emulate her.

She’salmostgot me thinking I can do it.

My sister, Fiona, has two kids. I didn’t dare hold them until they were well over a year old. They were so fragile, and I was too fidgety around them.

A vivid memory of Fiona trying to force me to hold Zack when he was six months old by dangling him over my lap creeps into my mind unbidden. She didn’t drop him or anything. Neither did I. Yet the terror that it might happen was so overwhelming I was paralyzed with fear.

Eventually, I ran to the back porch to get away from everyone. I sat by the pool without speaking for hours. One by one, my parents and siblings came out to check on me. Iremember them talking, although I couldn’t respond. In truth, I had no idea what they were saying. They inevitably gave up when they couldn’t get me to respond.

The only one who didn’t speak was Nick. He sat beside me and rubbed soft circles on my back. I’m unsure how long it took, but he stayed with me and simply existed with me in peaceful silence. For a long time. Then I came out of it, finally returning to myself. I didn’t cry until I went to bed that night. I’d given everyone enough reasons to worry about my fragile mental state already.

I didn’t know it then, but I was having an autistic meltdown.

They aren’t always screaming, crying, fighting bouts of irrational behavior like the name would imply. For me, meltdowns are usually periods when my body shuts off until I’m able to handle whatever emotions I’m experiencing.

Now, I’m left wondering if I’ve learned enough in therapy and self-discovery to manage motherhood without melting down. I thought I could do it. I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant if I didn’t think I was capable.

Once it happened, my confidence has taken hit after hit since I first saw the two pink lines.

Can I handle holding a baby? Carrying a baby? Feeding, bathing, and changing a baby without those horrifying emotions overwhelming me?

The same paralyzing feeling I had that day so long ago threatens to creep in now. Uncomfortable fluttery sensations pepper the inside of my chest. I have to physically shake free of the fear with a wobble of my head and a cleansing breath.

I don’t want my fear to hold me back anymore.

I want to be strong like Sammy. I’m in awe of her. She’s so much like her mother. Perhaps it’s genetic.

My mother is formidable as well. I’m sure she never feared holding one of her babies. So if this type of strength is passed down the bloodline, perhaps there’s hope for me after all.

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