Page 49 of Ho Ho Oh No

She throws her hands to the side. “Don’t ask stupid questions then. It fucking hurts like a fucking backache. Shit. You’re so annoying right now. I promise you’ll be the first to know when I actually go into labor.”

Swearing under her breath, she stomps away without me. I stand gobsmacked for three seconds before shaking it off and chasing after her.

What the hell just happened?

We were laughing no more than a minute ago. Grinning at each other like lovesick teens, unable to keep our hands off each other for the entire elevator ride. How did she end up so pissed that quickly? This is a new record, even for my hair-triggered princess.

As I catch up with her, I remind myself that it’s understandable for her to be moody.She’s emotional from the hormones.Her back hurts.And she’s probably in labor.All valid reasons for her to snap at me.

Once I’m by her side, I reach for her hand. “Sorry for hovering, Sammy. I’m worried about you is all.”

Her face falls, tenderness gradually overtaking her features. “I know you are. I’m sorry for snapping.”

I cup her cheek. “It’s okay.” Remembering a line from the movie, I add, “You’re an angry elf.”

She twines our fingers together, the hint of a smile gleaming in her eyes. But then it vaporizes, quickly being replaced by shards of ice as she’s hit with another sudden pain.

Just your average, everyday back pain, according to her.

She squeezes my hand tightly, grunting through it. Once it subsides, she loosens her hold on me.

“Sammy, remember how they said that not everyone’s labor is the same. The back pain could be a sign?—”

She bats my hand away and jabs her pointer finger at me. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m carrying around fifty extra pounds, which is enough to make anyone’s back hurt. And on the off chance it isn’t a back strain or injury, it’s probably Braxton-Hicks contractions from the sex.”

Her words slap my head back. “Sex can cause those?”

Putting her hands on her hips, she sneers. “Oh, so you don’t know everything about pregnancy, huh?”

When she storms off this time, I stand in place, staring at the spot she vacated. Guilt sidles up beside me.

I thought the doctor said that sex was a good thing for her. If I had known it might cause her pain, I’d have taken care of myself in the shower like I did in the old days.

A few cheery voices greet her when she enters the party a few steps away.“Sammy’s here! Yay!”

Sulking like a big fat baby in yellow tights and a ridiculous elf costume, I stand in the hall.

Lionheart’s booming voice shakes me from my stunned silence. “Sawyer, you out here?”

I blink away the guilt, facing him with a fake smile. “Yep.”

He saunters over, a cup of liquid Christmas cheer in his giant paw. “Oh my fucking hell. You havegotto be kidding me.” His deep guffaws make my smile genuine. “You look... Why man? Even the tights? Get the fuck out of here, and wipe that look of your face.”

I stretch my arms out to the side to give him a good look, immediately shifting into my Will Ferrell Elf voice. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”

Another raucous bout of laughter shakes his shoulders. “No, dude. Just... no.”

Chapter 14

Sisters in snark

MIA

If looks could kill, I’d be dead.

Further, if looks followed ancient burial rituals, I’d be embalmed, covered in salt, wrapped in linens, and entombed in the depths of a pyramid in Egypt.

Then again, that process was meant to ensure the soul a safe passage into the afterlife, where it could live on for eternity. And I’m certain my girl crush isn’t too keen on making that happen for me.So we’ll go back to looks simply murdering. Like little bullets shooting from her eyes.

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