Page 9 of The Lies We Believe

I shrugged and sat back in my seat before I could bury my face in his neck and inhale him like I used to. Cedarwood and leather consumed me. It was a scent he’d possessed even as a child, one I’d clung to the nights after he left when I cried myself to sleep, my nose buried in a T-shirt he’d left behind.

Bane smelled likehome.

With an exasperated huff, Bane pushed up, wrenching his gaze from me, and headed for the door. Hand wrapped around the handle, he paused and glanced over his shoulder. “Have you eaten, Riv?” I stayed silent and watched his shoulders rise and fall with each inhale and exhale. “I’ll take that as a no.” He pulled the door open and slipped out, leaving his foot to catch the door before it shut, almost like he didn’t want to be separated from me. What a fucking stupid idea to have in my head. I could hearthe low rumble of his voice as he spoke to someone on the other side.

My stomach grumbled, preceding a painful cramp that had me folding in half. I tried to remember when I’d last eaten, but it escaped me. I’m sure I had a sandwich or something over the past week, but I hadn’t had a proper meal in years. Must have been sometime near the beginning of the week, and today was…

“Here you go.” The scent of fresh toast and thick creamy butter made my mouth water. Christ, that smelled amazing. “I also got you a bottle of water. Drink it slowly, okay?”

I rolled my eyes. Tentatively, I reached out with a shaky hand and undid the cap, which took far more effort than I’d be willing to admit. The cool water trickling down my throat felt like heaven, and the back of my eyes burned, thanks to Bane’s tiny act of kindness. It was the first one I’d received since I’d woken up, puking my guts out and being called a fucking junkie. I recoiled as the memory slammed into me, the nearly full bottle of water slipping from my fingers and crashing to the ground. It was like everything happened in slow motion, and my eyes darted between the bottle and Bane as he pushed out of the chair he’d taken opposite me.

No matter how fast he tried to move, it wasn’t enough, and water spilled from the bottle. Bane jumped around the table, and I flinched when his hand crashed down on the surface. Bane froze, shock written all over his face as I curled into myself, pulled my knees up, and tucked my head against my chest, rocking side to side, waiting for the inevitable pain to bloom across my body.

“Shit! Shit!” A muttered curse, a grunt, and a pained exhale had me screwing my eyes shut. “Riv? It’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you.”

I felt him move closer to me. I always could.He’s safe. He’s safe. Bane would never hurt me.The air became magnetized,crackling across my skin. The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stood on end as the surrounding energy built, increasing in voltage.Safe. Safe. Safe.

“River, I’m going to touch you, okay?” Warmth filled his whispered words, a tenderness I craved but knew I didn’t deserve. “I’m not going to hurt you, okay?” Each word sounded like it cut him open, and that pain echoed in my chest.

Why did I always hurt those around me?

“I’m going to touch your shoulder to make sure you’re okay, alright?”

Sharp, shallow breaths breached my lips. My fingers sank into my legs, ripping the fabric of the scrubs I wore. When was the last time someone asked if they could touch me?

Thick fingers carded through my hair, down my neck, and settled on my shoulder. I trembled as his tender touch sank deep beneath my frozen skin. Goosebumps prickled across my body, making me ache for something different, but knowing I was not worthy. I needed to build my walls back up before I became too weak to survive this cruel world because the one I was in now wasn’t real. It was just a dream.

Pressure under my chin forced my head up. “There you are.” His exotic sky blue and dark wood brown eyes shimmered, emotions swirling in them I didn’t understand. “It’s okay, Riv. You did nothing wrong.” I sucked in a stuttering breath, my lungs squeezing tight. “You did nothing wrong,” he repeated.

My teeth sunk into my bottom lip and chewed the dry skin until the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. Tears welled in my eyes. I tried to blink them away, but when I shook my head, fighting against his muted words, they fell, staining me.Worthless.

“Shh. I’ve got you now.”

Bane wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into him. I collapsed into his embrace. The fight drained outof me as my head found its home against his neck. I sighed, inhaling his scent. Cedarwood and leather encased me as he held me in the safety of his strong arms. He should feel disgusted by me. I wasn’t the broken boy he once knew. I was an amalgamation of nightmares and relentless demons.

“It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you, and I won’t let go.” He chanted the words over and over into my ear like he could make me believe them if he repeated them enough. God, how I wanted to, but people like me didn’t deserve the grace of his kindness.

I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, but by the time he pulled away, I was warm. Not the type of warmth you got from a sweatshirt or a good coat, but the type that was like an ember burning inside you. Bane pulled back until he was looking me right in the eyes. Thick thumbs brushed away the tear tracks running down my flushed cheeks.

A shudder rolled through me that had nothing to do with his touch, but everything to do with my body shutting down. I clenched my jaw, a muscle ticcing in my cheek as I tried to hide the fact my teeth were chattering. I needed to get out of here before I hurt him. Bane was good to the core, and I was every dark creature hiding in the shadows.

“How about I get you another one and try to find you some proper clothes?” Bane tilted his head as he spoke, his eyes roaming over my dirty scrubs, lips pressed into a grim line. He picked up the bottle off the floor, cast his gaze over the room, and huffed. “I’ll be back, just going to get something to dry that up. Won’t be long.”

The two-way mirror in front of me taunted me with my reflection. A man stared back at me I didn’t recognize. How did he, after all these years? Exhaustion flowed through me. Every limb felt impossibly heavy. The sweet scent of salted butter was the only thing keeping me from closing my eyes. Flavor burst across my tongue as I chewed the lightly toasted malt bread, agroan slipping from my lips as one small bite turned into me ramming as much as I could in my mouth in case someone came in here and took it from me.

Buttery goodness dripped down my fingers, glowing golden in the harsh white light of the sterile room. I focused on sucking each drop off my fingers rather than thinking about what would happen next. The clank of the chains attached to the cuffs around my wrists refused to let me forget nobody really wanted me here, no matter how caring Bane seemed. He was just doing his job.

I was his job.Nothing more, but always infinitely less.

That thought drove home how stupid I was, thinking there was more to his actions than there was. Tears leaked from my tired eyes, and my throat grew tight and scratchy. I was still just that stupid little boy who dreamed of having a home. Of being wanted. Of love.

How could someone love me, when I didn’t even know what it was?

“Here.” Bane entered the room, a bright smile plastered on his face, arms full of items he set on the table. “I got you another bottle of water.” Passing it to me, he continued, “Montoya, my partner, got hold of some clean sneakers and pants for you. She wasn’t able to find a shirt, but you can have my hoodie until we get you something better.”

The bottle froze halfway to my mouth, my eyes widening as his words filtered through my foggy brain.Until we get you something better?I tilted my head to the side, assessing him as he shuffled from foot to foot. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was a slight flush to his rich dark cheeks. After all, I was just a job.

“Don’t look at me like that, Riv. We’re friends.” I shrugged, because yeah, we kind of were once. But now? “We are, aren’twe?” Vulnerability flashed across his face as he wrung his hands in his lap.

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