Page 75 of The Lies We Believe

“You can come with us to the ER. I’ll radio ahead and make sure they’re ready at the doors,” John said as he stepped up beside her.

His words didn’t register at first. The thought of letting him go clawed at my chest. Unbearable. Impossible. An inhuman sound ripped from me, raw and primal, as I slowly loosened my grip. My hands shook as I eased back, letting them take him away. Letting him go.

The emptiness as they loaded him onto a stretcher and carried him away was all-consuming.

CHAPTER 30

RIVER

The tang of antiseptic, sharp and chemical, coating my tongue with every breath, pulled me from the drugging hold of sleep. The steady beep of a heart monitor pierced through the haze, its rhythmic sound reassuring, if not a little annoying. The soft hum of distant voices, the squeak of shoes on polished floors, added to the strange symphony confirming I was once again in the hospital.

My eyelid fluttered, heavy and reluctant, against the bright glare of light coming from above me. Blurred shapes slowly came into focus—the ceiling tiles, a bag hanging from a pole beside me. A large body folded over the bed, head resting on my thigh, hand tightly gripping mine like it was the only way to keep me here.

The sound of the door opening drew my attention as a young nurse walked in. The small smile on her face brightened when she saw I was awake. “How are you feeling, River? I’m Jenna, and I’ll be looking after you today.”

“Okay,” I rasped and tapped my throat. My mouth was dry. I attempted to clear my throat, but it felt like I was trying to swallow sandpaper.

“Let me get you some water. It’ll help with the swelling and hopefully make you a bit more comfortable.” I tried to smile, but it hurt too much. Bane’s soft snores rumbled against my hand, where his face was buried.

“He hasn’t left your side since you were brought to the ward. He’s a keeper,” Jenna said.

My good eye rolled back in my head, agitation crawling under my skin at her words. I wanted to tell her to fuck off. That he was mine, and she could never have him, but I didn’t know if that was true anymore.

I hated not knowing whether he would want to be with me after this. There was a difference between knowing what someone had been through and accepting it. A difference between seeing the evidence first hand and having to live through the lingering effects of it. I’d put him through so much already, and I was terrified this would be one step too far. There would be no blame if he decided being with me was too much hassle, that I was too much for him. It would hurt. It’d fucking gut me, but I’d understand. Most days, I couldn’t stand myself, so I’d get it if that was what it came to.

There were a million questions dancing like fireflies in my head, but I locked them down. She wouldn’t know the answers, anyway. Only the man asleep next to me would.

“I’ll be back in a sec. I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake.” She swept out of the room as quietly as she’d arrived. I savored the peace; it wouldn’t be long until the circus arrived, and I’d had enough of people to last me a lifetime. The idea of living in a cabin in the woods was very appealing. But so was that eternal kind of sleep, the one you never woke from, where pain and suffering died as you did.

“Who was that?” Sleep coated Bane’s worried voice as he blinked blearily up at me. “Ugh.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, refusing to relinquish his hold on mine. Hesat up slowly, rolling his shoulders in an attempt to get rid of the kinks from sleeping bent over the bed. “How had I forgotten how much it hurts to sleep like that? I’m not twenty anymore.” He scoffed and shook his head.

A breathless chuckle caught in my throat, and I winced. Someone was cranky this morning, but nothing beat waking up to him next to me. Sadly, his presence did little to curb the spiraling fear coiling inside me and all the unanswered what ifs hanging around my neck like a noose.

“Stop, River.” He pinned me with those hypnotic, mismatched eyes of his, and I felt like I was drowning in their depths. “I can see the cogs turning in your head so fast there’s steam coming out of your ears.” He wrapped his other hand around mine so it was cocooned by him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

My answering smile was as brittle as I felt. The desire to believe him was overwhelming, but… there was always a but. Everything had been conditional in my life. If I did this, I’d get that. If I performed for a john, allowed him to beat and use me however he wanted, I’d get a hot meal. Simple little things at the time that have had a ripple like effect on my life. Even Bane’s love had that “but” attached to it. I was his top priority, but first he had to close this case. I wasn’t even sure if he’d realized that he had caveats dotted all over our relationship.

“Angel?” His large shoulders rose as he took a deep inhale, then shuddered and lowered as he let it out. “I’m sorry.”

My good eye fell closed, and I turned away, not willing to hear what he had to say. I could already see the shattered pieces of my heart bleeding across the off-white floor.

“River, please listen to me.” He squeezed my hand to emphasize his words. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there like I’d promised to be.” His voice thickened as he kept talking. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to keep you safe and prevent you from getting hurt like I’dpromised.” A single tear fell and slid hotly down my cheek. “I’m sorry I promised you were my priority but focused on my job and the case before you. I’m sorry I made promises and didn’t keep them. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I’ve failed you in every single way I promised you I wouldn’t.”

My teeth sunk into my bottom lip until the taste of copper exploded over my tongue. His heartfelt words felt like they were carving up my insides. I wanted to tell him it was alright, and that I understood. That I was a big enough person to see the bigger picture and the importance of the work he was doing. In a way, I could, but that was overshadowed by the crushing hurt his absence had caused, because if he had been at home, then would this have happened? Would I be here right now?

I was drowning in a suffocating agony that had me wanting to peel my skin off and sink into a vat of bleach to cleanse my ravaged soul. I had only just managed to start removing the touch of every man that came before Bane with the ever-growing physical part of our relationship. And I’d worked so hard with Joelle to work through my trauma and understand why I was the way I was. Why I said or didn’t say the things I did and why I reacted to certain situations the way I did.

But now, every small step forward that felt like I’d crawled through a riptide to achieve was washed away, obliterated like it had never happened. I was once again a hollow shell, a skin-covered skeleton with nothing inside except an emptiness that suffocated every fleck of light, the outsider looking in on a life that could have been mine, and I didn’t know how to process any of it. It was like my life had been ripped from my hands in the blink of an eye, and I’d woken up in an alternate reality where everything was the same, but different.

I was altered, and I didn’t know if I could find my way back.

Hot, wet drops hit my hand. The feel of them on my cold skin was an echo of a memory I couldn’t grasp. Glancing over at Baneand seeing the pain etched deeply into his face was a vise around my heart.

“Here you go, River,” Jenna said and poured me a cool glass of water before setting the jug on the cabinet by the bed. “I even got you a straw to make it easier for you.” She smiled sweetly as she handed it to me, then busied herself fiddling with the bags that hung on the IV pole.

The effort required to separate my hand from Bane’s had been immense, but I needed some space to think and feel, to shore up my walls. Even though he’d said all the right things, I’d believed his perfect lies before, and I didn’t want to be the fool that let history repeat itself.

“How’s the pain, River?” Jenna glanced at me as she changed one of the hanging bags, her gaze intent and understanding. “Do you have a phone you can use if your throat is too sore to talk?”

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