Page 68 of The Lies We Believe

With my eyes still closed, I pulled the blankets up over my face and inhaled Bane’s cedarwood and leather scent that was ingrained in the material, needing some kind of connection with him. Since I’d been staying at his house, I could count on one hand the number of nights I’d spent without him under the same roof, but none had been as tough as last night.

After Colton left with Snowy, his little white pom-pom-whatever-it’s-called puppy, the house had felt like a crypt. Shadow had kept me company as I curled up on the gray couch and watched a few episodes ofIs It Cake?Then acted as an emotional support dog while I’d bawled my eyes out when Domitianus found his sex slave Hermes in bed with one of his guards and lost his ever-loving shit. I wouldn’t say he loved Hermes—I didn’t think he was capable of it—but he felt an entitlement over him. Ownership. Something I knew and understood all too well. Eventually, he’d had poor Hermesstrapped to the front of a boat and watched as a giant crocodile ate him without shedding a tear.

People with power were heartless assholes the world over, and it didn’t seem to matter if it was part of humanity’s history or the present day. People seemed to be addicted to power, control, and ownership. History was doomed to repeat itself, and it made me sick to my back teeth.

Nothing I had done had kept my mind off missing Bane. He was like a phantom limb. An intrinsic piece of me was gone, and I felt its absence with every breath. Was I codependent on him? Without a fucking doubt. Bane was my tether, the one thing that grounded me and stopped me from spiraling out of control. He kept the darkness that controlled my mind at bay. He was my light. My heart.

No matter how hard I tried to implement all the things Joelle suggested, I still struggled. Every single fucking day. My intrusive thoughts grew louder when I was alone and I’d find myself thinking of all the ways Bane’s life would be better if I wasn’t there dragging him down.

He deserved so much better than me.

I didn’t regret a single second I’d spent with him since he’d walked into that interrogation room and had collapsed on the ground at my feet. He’d brought me back from the brink and saved my sanity. I’d been fracturing at the seams, and it was his love and support that pieced me back together. But still…

A loud bark right by my head made me jolt up so fast the room spun. I peeled my eyes open. “What?!” The little shit sat next to the bed, wagging his tail. “You need to go for a pee?” If a dog could nod, Shadow did. “Fine!” I groaned, kicked the blankets off, and shuffled toward the door, pausing only to yank Bane’s ridiculously larger sweatpants up before I tripped over them and headed downstairs. “You and me both, buddy. You and me both. Now go out and do your business while I do mine.”

A yawn stretched my mouth as I opened the back door for Shadow and left it a jar so he could get back in, then hurried upstairs for a piss and a quick shower. Once I felt human, I’d call Bane and find out what was going on. Worry gnawed at me, making me feel all kinds of lost and unsettled.

Water clung to the glass as I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel off the heated rail. I smiled despite feeling myself starting to spiral. I’d used Bane’s shower gel so I could smell like him. His scent was intoxicating, but this was a poor imitation. It was missing something fundamental—him.

Steam coiled in the air so thickly, I could hardly see a foot in front of my face. I was slightly obsessed with having a shower hot enough to melt your skin from your bones. It was a novelty and a privilege I’d never take for granted. Having spent so many years showering in a filthy cubicle with water that felt like fresh glacial melt, I appreciated everything being here had afforded me. Things most people took for granted were like a blessing from the gods.

I glanced up at the mirror that was covered in a glistening sheen of condensation, and tears stung my eyes at the message emblazoned on it. He must have left it yesterday before leaving for the station. “Oh, Bane,” I whimpered, my finger tracing the letters on the glass.

You own my heart,

so I’ve left it with you.

Keep it safe until I come home.

“I can’t believe you’ve made me cry. And you’re not even here, so I can yell at you for it.” Not that I would—my voice was still far too brittle for that—but the thought burned brightly in my brain, smothering the crushing loneliness I was feeling.It was devastating. I’d never felt so pathetic in my life. I had everything I’d ever dreamed of, but right now, I was miserable.

“You’re p-pathetic. What does he see in you? You need to be stronger than this.” Scoffing at myself, I shook my head and brushed my teeth, trying to think of anything other than the wound festering in my heart.

By the time I’d finished up in the bathroom, gotten dressed, and grabbed my phone off the nightstand, Shadow was waiting for me in the kitchen. His tail thumped on the hardwood floor as he stared forlornly at his empty food bowl. “Seriously, a-anyone would think we didn’t f-feed you.” I chuckled and scratched his head, topped up his bowl, and flicked the kettle on.

While I was waiting, I checked my phone for missed calls or messages, but my screen was blank. I worried the broken skin at the edge of my thumbnail as I tried to work out what was best to do. Joelle’s voice flitted through my mind with an unholy number of exercises she’d given me to do when I felt like I was drowning.“This homework will really help cement everything we’ve been discussing over the last few weeks.”My eyes rolled back in my head. I wanted to yell back that I was trying, but sometimes it felt like I was still failing. I was angry at myself for feeling this way, but also with Bane, because I needed him and he wasn’t here. He was my strength when mine failed, the light that sat with me in the shadows when they were too strong for me to fight back on my own.

With nothing better to do, I made a cup of chamomile tea, another one of Joelle’s suggestions for when I felt like I was crumbling, and took my meds. My brain was foggy as I tried to remember if I’d taken my meds last night, but I came up blank. Maybe that was why I was struggling so much now. Maybe all I needed was time. Time for the chemicals to help rewire my brain so everything connected the way it should. I needed to learn to dance in the rain, because even this storm would pass.

The doorbell rang, and my mug slipped from my grasp and crashed onto the granite, spilling my tea everywhere. “Well, this is inconvenient,” I grumbled as I headed to the door. I glanced through the peephole and saw Sharon with a warm smile on her face.

“I know you’re there, River,” she said softly. “I’m not coming in, I’ve got something…”

Unlocking the dead bolts took some time, but when I pulled it back, her shoulders relaxed. “S-sorry.” I scuffed my foot against the door frame, struggling to hold eye contact with her and felt my cheeks heat.

“Hush now, dear. None of that. I’ve got something of yours that I’ve been meaning to return. Luckily for you, Montoya called this morning, and it triggered my memory. It’s a funny story, really. One of my colleagues—Kirsty—picked it up and put it in her locker by mistake, thinking it was her son’s. I put it down in my guest room and completely forgot where I’d put it. It’s my age, you see.” She chuckled, her eyes dancing with mirth. “But was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d drop by and finally give this to you.”

“Y-you’re…n-not old.”

The warmth in her smile went all the way to her eyes, and it felt like a warm hug. Other than Mrs. Wilkinson, no woman had ever looked at me like they cared, but Sharon did. She handed me a bag, and I peeked inside curiously.

“It’s the bag you had with you at the hospital. I couldn’t save the clothes you were wearing, as they were ruined.” I shrugged, because I’d hardly had anything clothing left on my body by the time Dahlia was done with me.

“T-thank you.” I tried to smile, but it hurt. My emotions were a raging storm inside me, and I felt like a candle about to be snuffed out. Sometimes, just functioning was impossible, andtoday seemed to be one of those days. I needed to go before I said something that would upset her, and I didn’t want to do that.

“Alright then.” A look of concern washed over her face, but one of the things I liked about Sharon was that she didn’t pry. She would listen if you needed her to, but never pushed, and I was so grateful for that. “Say hi to Jacob for me and try to have a good day, River.”

She gave my arm a reassuring squeeze before carefully descending the steps and driving off. I stayed on the porch while her car disappeared down the street. A prickle of unease crept up my spine, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end like someone was watching me. I glanced up and down the road, trying to pinpoint which car was the unmarked one, but it was pointless. I had no idea what I was looking for in the first place.

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