Page 55 of The Lies We Believe

It was a mindfuck how quickly I could spiral out of control and revert back to who I was before Bane. Someone who needed to disassociate at any given second because another moment in the present would be what sent me over the edge. An edge I’d been balancing on for far too long, and one I’d made my peacewith that would eventually claim me. But these last two weeks had made me think that maybe the impossible was possible.

“Angel, shh. I’ve got you, okay? Just listen to me and breathe.” I could feel his phantom touch surrounding me, but his voice sounded so far away. It was fading with every word he spoke. “Feel my heart, feel my breaths, and copy me.” My hand felt suspended, adrift.

What was happening? Everything was like a dream. A beautiful, perfect dream. One I didn’t want to wake up from.Oh, god, please, please don’t make this be a dream or an illusion my mind had created to keep me safe. Oh, god, please! Please make it be real.Tears burned my eyes, but I couldn’t open them. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to see where I really was. I didn’t want to know for certain this wasn’t real.Please, please, please. Oh, god, please.

“Open your eyes for me.”

No. No, no, no, no. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here in my dream. It might not have been perfect, but it was perfect for me. Bane was here. He was here, and he wanted me. All of me. He’d said I was worth fighting for, and I refused to let that go. Fuck me. Kill me. Ruin me. I didn’t care as long as I was here with him. If my eyes never opened again, that would be okay. I would be okay here with him. Here where I wanted to be.

“Bane.” His name tore its way out from my heart, leaving a gaping wound behind. I wasn’t whole. I was fractured into pieces that were splintering into fragments that couldn’t be put back together. I thought death would hurt, but even as my tears carved their way down my cheeks, I didn’t feel a thing because finally, finally I’d be free from this torment.

“Angel. Don’t let it consume you. Fight it. Feel my heartbeat beneath your fingertips.”

The world was a cruel, fucked up place, but it had nothing on my mind.

“That’s it River. That’s it. Feel me. Keep breathing.”

His usual gravelly voice sounded unhinged and frantic in a way I’d never heard before. A hysterical cackle grew from my chest. My Bane didn’t sound like this; he was cool, calm, and collected. Always in control. He was strong and dependable. He was the light in my darkness, the goodness to my sullied body and soul.

“I’ve got you. I won’t ever let you go.”

I scoffed. No one wanted me enough to never let me go, so I’d had to create someone to love me in my head—the only place I could find acceptance. But it also had the power to twist and crush me.

“You’re doing so well, River. Open your eyes for me, please.” His voice cracked and broke on that heartfelt plea. Phantom fingers ghosted over my face, stroking my hair back, brushing away burning tears.

“Open those beautiful forest-green eyes for me?”

My heavy eyes fluttered open, and he was there, cradling my face in his hands. What was real? What was reality, and what was a delusion? How could I tell when everything seemed to meld into one?

“You haven’t lost it, baby. You’re struggling. You’ve been through so much, your mind is trying to process it all. I promise I’m real.”

Well, at least my mind was convincing. My lips twitched as I snickered, tasting the salt of my tears. “I-I don’t know what to…b-believe,” I whimpered, my throat aching like I’d screamed for hours. A quick check of my body reassured me I had no new injuries, just the ones that were healing.

“Thank god you’re back with me.” Bane sighed and cradled me lovingly in his arms, with my head tucked into the crook of his neck. He carded his fingers through my hair in a soothing motion as my tears slowly dried, leaving salty tracks on my skin.

“You had a panic attack.” His chest deflated as he exhaled, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “Something triggered you. Do you know what it was?”

“I…I don’t…” I thought back through the hazy quagmire of my mind, and even though I was exhausted, a thread appeared. I followed it, and it all became clear. The question I’d wanted to ask materialized, but I didn’t know if I was strong enough to ask it.

“Mmm. You know, don’t you?” Bane murmured.

I inhaled his scent, using it to help calm my racing heart. “I-I do.” Clearing my throat, I squirmed under the weight of his intense gaze. “I wanted to ask you s-something, but I…”

Large hands wrapped around my hips as he shifted beneath me like he was afraid I was going to disappear. It was like he could read my mind, because I needed distance between us before I could give credence to the question growing louder in my head. Pushing his arms back, I scrambled off his lap and across the bed, settling on my pillow. With my back resting against the headboard and legs pulled up to my chest, I glanced at Bane through my lashes. The concern marring his beautiful face was like a knife to my heart.

“I’m here when you’re ready.” The resignation in his tone and his hunched shoulders hurt to see. It reminded me I was a cancerous thing in his life, taking and taking until there was nothing in him to give me. I’d bleed him dry if he let me. He’d be better off without me around, but I had to know once and for all.

“Do you want me?” My voice was barely audible to my own ears, even as I hid my face in my arms as I waited.

Silence stretched between us, growing more palpable and suffocating the longer it continued. What I heard could have shattered adamantium. Soft sniffles reached my ears and my racing heart lurched into my throat. After a shaky inhale,I turned to find Bane, the immovable mountain, with tears streaming down his dark skin.

“W-why would you ask that?”

I was so lost in his wet lips moving that it took me a beat for my brain to register his question. “B-because…y-you don’t… t-touch me…” My reasoning sounded weak because he did, but not in the way I expected and had become accustomed to. I was used for pleasure, a hole to be filled, a cum dump. But with Bane it was so foreign, his touches alien.

Shaking his head, he wiped the tears off his face with the back of his hand and when he looked at me, the heat in his eyes melted the ice coating my skin. “Is this because we haven’t…” A deep blush stained his dark skin, heating his cheeks and making him seem younger while I felt decades older.

“Yes.”

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