Page 45 of The Lies We Believe

And I never would be.

“I can see you’re thinking it over. Just let me send him in and… and let him talk.” She choked down a sound trapped in the back of her throat. “You’ve never spoken in front of me, but he tells me you can when you feel safe enough. He’s that for you, isn’t he? Your safe place?” I nodded slightly, or at least I tried to, and grimaced as I bit back the wave of pain that washed over me. “Good. Don’t let that go, River. If he lost you, I don’t think he would survive. You’re, as far as I know, everything to him. He’s never...” She tapped her lips, silencing herself like she was holding back something she knew. “This is all new to him, too.”

My eyes tracked her as she left me alone, the door snicking shut behind her. I didn’t know what to make of everything she said. I was everything to him? Why? How? What does he see when he looks at me? I wasn’t a person anymore; I didn’t know how to be like everyone else. I should take this opportunity to push him away, save him from me, before it was too late.

Look at what happened the one night I tried to help him. All I’d succeeded in doing was bringing the devil to his door, and Bane was the kind of guy who would ride to certain death if it meant saving someone he cared about. How he could value my worthless life over his didn’t compute. He was a million times the person I could ever dream of being.

I was a rogue shadow, a memory that would fade with time. Footsteps in the sands of time that would be washed away.

A mistake.

That was what he’d said, and he wasn’t wrong.

When he lost control of his cast-iron emotions that morning, Bane saw the truth that his pure heart blinded him to. I had to prove to him I wasn’t worth his time, no matter how much my soul cried out for his. He was safer without me. He would be better off without me. I belonged to the dark. It was where I was reborn.

I didn’t need psychic abilities to know he was standing on the other side of the door. I felt him. It was a physical reaction I had any time I was in his proximity. The air thickened, and electricity danced across my skin. The small hairs on the back of my neck and my arms stood on end, and goosebumps prickled across my skin. I was attuned to him so well, I’d be able to find him even if I was blindfolded. I could crawl across burning coals to the edge of the world without deviating course. He was my center, my true north. My internal compass would always lead to him.

Because Bane was my heart. Without him, nothing else existed.

Blood rushing through my ears masked the sound of the door opening. I couldn’t swallow, because I felt paralyzed by his presence. I was fighting an internal war, and there would be no victor. To save him, I had to sacrifice myself. I wasn’t a martyr; I was a realist.

“Oh, fuck.” His broken voice tore through me, wrenching the still-beating muscle from my chest as he collapsed on the floor with a heavy thud. The sound reverberated through the room, a painful echo of that first moment he laid eyes on me just weeks ago. Exhaustion weighed down every part of me, pressing like a shroud, and I couldn’t summon the strength to turn and face him. If this was my last breath, then let it be.

“River?” He sounded closer, but I couldn’t feel his looming presence sucking the air from my lungs like it so often did when he towered over me. Was he crawling to me? How I wished I had the strength to move to see him. My eyes searched, even though it was futile. “Angel?” He gasped. “Fuck! Please, a-angel.” His cracked voice shattered me. “I-I’m…” The bed dipped, and a chair scraped across the floor. My fragile heart fluttered in my chest, as delicate as fractured glass that a breath of wind would turn to dust.

Cedarwood and leather surrounded me. His scent called me back from the ledge where I stood, my toes over the precipice. Strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me back just as I pushed myself over and into the void of no return.

“Don’t leave me, River. I couldn’t survive without you, angel. I said things I didn’t mean. I-I wasn’t thinking, I was…” Hot tears hit my skin like acid as he confessed his sins against me. “I failed you, a-and now…now you’re in here because of me. You’re h-hurt because of me…my actions.”

No!I screamed internally as my trauma locked my voice deep inside my mind.No, Bane. You have never done anything wrong. I was wrong to touch you without your consent. I was wrong to take something from you that you weren’t willing to give. I never asked.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I’m so, so sorry for coming back into your life.

“River…” His large hands cupped my face, his rough skin grounding me as his thumb cleared the torrent of tears off my cheeks. “I never should have walked away. I should have stayed and explained why I jumped away from you.” I shook my head in tiny increments, pushing through the pulsing ache in my neck. I’d suffer for him, to bring him a momentary reprieve from his self-flagellation. An inhuman sound pulsated from his chest into me; it sounded like failure. It tasted like regret. A shattered future that had never had the chance to have life breathed into it.

“Are you listening to me, angel? Please, please look at me. River, please!” Panic rose in his voice, and it felt like ice coating my skin.

Confused, I blinked up at him through water-logged lashes. When did my eyes close? I didn’t remember. I didn’t… I didn’t… I was struggling to grasp what was real and what was a figment of my imagination.

“Shhh, Riv. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t let them hurt you again. You’re safe.”

Bane’s voice faded away, and I gave into the oppressive bleakness of my broken mind. I found myself in that special place where I’d sent myself so many times before to save myself from reality. The place where the guy of my dreams held me like I was a person. Someone he loved, who was whole and fully formed. He smiled at me like he loved me, and I loved him in return. Eyes I could get lost in looked at me like I was the sun that chased the darkness away.

But now even this world was tainted, cracked and broken. Rotten to the core. I was an infection that needed to be terminated. I hurt everyone I came into contact with. Even in the elysium my mind had created to keep me safe, I still destroyed the one soul I’d ever loved. His fingers slipped from my cheeks stained with blood, agony etched into his face. Was this how it ends? My blood on his hands would destroy him.

“I’m sorry I failed you, angel. I promised to keep you safe, b-but when you needed me, I wasn’t there for you. Why did you leave? Was it because of me? What I said? What I did?” His pained cry sliced me open, revealing my rotten core. I hated that I was causing him pain without saying a word.

I forced my eyes open, and they locked on his. One a brilliant sky blue, the other the darkest depths of the forest, wild and free. They glistened like a fractured mirror, reflecting the maelstrom of emotions inside me. Pain and regret. Shame and guilt. Love and hopelessness. So much fucking pain it filled my lungs and drowned me.

My lips tasted of betrayal and salt. Here he was, begging for my forgiveness, when I was the one who’d put him in the most compromising position. “I-I…m… I’m…s…s-sor?—”

Bane’s lips brushed mine, silencing the words I tried to breathe life into, but they were barely audible even to my ears.

“It wasn’t your fault. I-I—” he started.

I bit my tongue hard enough for the metallic tang of blood to burst across my taste buds and forced my arm up so I could cover his mouth. Bane deflated against me. His eyes fluttered shut, and he moved until he could nuzzle against my hand. My heart stuttered in my chest. Soft kisses whispered across my palm and onto my knuckles as he took control of my appendage and kissed my fingertips.

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