Page 43 of The Lies We Believe

“I didn’t say that to make you feel bad.” I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth. “I just wanted to help you understand that being around River has been like nothing I’ve ever felt. Initially, I thought it was our childhood friendship reestablishing itself into something stronger. But over the weeks, it’s like he’s become my sun, and I’m orbiting around him, drawn to him on a cellular level but never able to get close enough. To be honest, it’s been a total mindfuck, because I know he’s vulnerable physically and emotionally. That he’s been taken advantage of and used like a disposable toy.”

Tears built along my lash line, and I blinked furiously to keep them at bay, but it was a losing battle.

“The need to protect and care for him has become a necessity. A need. He is the air I need to function. Over time, he’s started to let me in, allowing me to see behind his walls. With each glimpse, I feel like I’ve become Icarus. I don’t care if I get burned; I want him.” I licked my dry lips, tasting the salt of my tears, and swiping them away with the back of my hand as my emotions poured out of me. “I took him for a ride on mybike, because I could see it in his eyes that the walls were closing in on him and his mind was splintering. I told him he was free, but I was keeping him caged under lock and key. He needed to breathe, to feel alive and…and that’s when we kissed. I’m not sure who initiated it, but I freaked out after that. It was like the barriers in my mind were crushed under every pass of his tips. His taste lives rent free on my tongue, and it’s ignited insatiable dreams?—”

“Oh, no.” Montoya hid her face behind her hands. “I think I can guess where this is going.”

“Last night, I dreamed we came back from the lake. His clothes were drenched, and I pushed him against the garage door and stripped him?—”

“Ahh. La la la la. I don’t need all the details.” She peeked through her fingers. “Even though I kind of do.”

I smirked. “The dream felt so real. The silkiness of his hair, the intensity of his mouth.” I cleared my throat, my eyes darting around to make sure no one was paying us any attention. “It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. The goddamn intensity of it… I could feel my orgasm barreling through me, and then I opened my eyes, and fuck.” My fist crashed onto the table, making our empty bottles topple over. “And there he was, working me over. Before I could say anything, I shot my load down his throat.”

“Oh shit. Then what did you do?” It was like she was sitting there eating popcorn, listening to the best story of her life.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Montoya nodded readily, her lips lifted in a taunting smile. “It’s nice to watch Mr. Perfect fall off his saintly pedestal.”

“When I came too, I freaked out. I told him it was a fucking mistake, and then you called. He was kneeling on my b-bed with tears staining his face, and I couldn’t look at him. I felt like a monster. I was abhorred with myself. It still feels like I somehowmanipulated him into doing it.” I shrugged and buried my face in my hands as shame and guilt washed over me. A chair scraped loudly against the floor nearby, and I jolted when a hand landed on the back of my neck, Montoya’s coffee caramel scent washing over me. She squeezed until her nails bit into my skin, and I raised my head to look at her, feeling like I was in the burning tundras of hell.

Sorrow lined her face, deep lines at the corners of her eyes. “I can’t say why he was there, but if he felt safe with you, Benson, your words and actions would have cut him deeply. You can’t take back what you did, even though I’m certain you wish you could.”

“I do.” The whispered words were wrenched from the depths of my soul. “I never meant to hurt him.”

“Shh. I know. I know.” Her soft words were a comfort I didn’t deserve. “But you have to make this right. When you get home, explain it all to him. That you weren’t disgusted with him, but yourself. That you felt like you took advantage of him even if you didn’t initiate anything.”

“What if he won’t open his door to me?” I asked brokenly.

“Then you write him a letter, not a text. You tell him everything.” I blinked at her through hazy eyes. “Don’t just explain your actions, but tell him how you feel, like you did with me. If he’s the guy you think he is, he’ll listen, even if it takes time.”

“Should I tell Bower?” My heart stuttered in my chest, constricted by fear that I might lose River before I even got a chance to make things right. “Honestly, as your partner, I would say yes.”

My head thunked on the table as reality smacked into me. “But as my friend?”

Montoya snorted. “I’d tell you to go get your guy. But just know that a real relationship between you might not be possible.That boy is psychologically damaged, so you need to be very careful. If, and this is a big if… anything happened between you, he has to be the one to initiate it. He has to want it. Understand?”

“Yeah,” I breathed. “I understand. I-I just want to show him how special he really is. I… I think I…”Love him.I didn’t need to say the words, my feelings were etched into every line of my face.

“Yeah, big guy, I think you do.”

CHAPTER 19

RIVER

Ice-cold dread slithered through my veins as consciousness slowly crept over me. I didn’t want to open my eyes and find myself lost in the dark, even with my eyes open like the lingering memories from only hours ago. The stinging burn of glass sinking into my shins was at the forefront of my mind, even though it felt like I was lying down. Maybe my mind had finally reneged on me and this was what death felt like. I didn’t know, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the truth, either.

After working up the courage, I finally opened my eyes, squinting against the bright light. A pained groan rumbled in the back of my throat, and I screwed my eyes shut as an aching agony sparked through every nerve in my body.

“Welcome back, handsome,” a gentle voice said. I turned toward the sound, but my eyes refused to open again. “Here, you’re probably thirsty.”

Before my mind could work out what the feminine voice was saying, I felt a plastic straw push between my lips. I gratefully swallowed down some lukewarm water, the liquid reviving my parched, aching throat.

“I’ve rung for the doctor to come and check on you now you’re more awake. He’ll be here shortly. Can you tell me your name?”

My head rocked slightly from side to side, as much as the growing pain in my neck would allow. It felt like my chest was being crushed under an almighty weight. My fingers clawed at the sheets, something sharp catching on the back of my hand.

“Hush, hush, now. Don’t hurt yourself, okay? Just listen to me and take a slow breath for me.” A warm hand wrapped around my wrist, grounding me. “That’s it. Breathe in one… two… three. There you are, your heart rate is slowing. Keep it up for me. One… two… three… four. Good boy.”

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