Page 42 of The Lies We Believe

“Jacob Benson.” I jolted at being full named, my back ramrod straight as I sat to attention. “You can’t stew like this.” She waved her hand at me. “Whatever happened is eating you up inside, and it’s going to affect your ability to do your job. If it isn’t already.” She muttered the last part around another oozing slice. “If we were paper pushers, I’d leave you to figure it out by yourself, but we’re not. Our job is life or death. One wrongdecision…one wrong call…” She dragged her finger over her neck.

“I know, I know.” I huffed a breath and shook out my hands, not knowing what to do with them as my palms slickened. I rubbed them against my thighs and chewed on my lip as my heart thundered in my ears.

“Hey.” Montoya flagged down a server. “Can we grab a couple more bottles, please?” She flashed the young guy a beatific smile, and he all but melted under her gaze before scurrying away to get our drinks.

“You’re evil,” I joked.

Her lips curved in a smirk. “I know.” She waved me off. “Stop trying to distract me. Talk!”

“I crossed a line…” When my voice trailed off as images of my dream/reality flitted through my mind, she cleared her throat and rolled her hand to get me to continue. “We kissed?—”

“Oh, fuck me.” Montoya slammed her hand down on the table and belted a laugh. “Is that all? I thought you were going to say you fucked him.”

I sat there silently and felt the color drain from my face. Her eyes widened as my expression registered with her.

“You didn’t fuck him, did you?” Her voice dropped to a fractured whisper. “Benson, what the hell?!” Disbelief washed over her features.

“No. No, I didn’t. I…it’s…” The heels of my hands dug into my eyes. “It’s complicated.”

“Well, uncomplicate it for me, because I’m struggling to understand how it’s anything other than black and white here. You know right and wrong? You have a vulnerable adult who’s suffered abuse for years and you… fucked him?”

“No. I didn’t.”

“But you said!”

“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “I said I crossed a line. He did… he was the one… God, why is this so damn hard?” I threw up my hands as frustration riddled through me.

“Let’s simplify it, yeah? Start at the beginning.”

I mulled over her words but didn’t break eye contact with her as hers bored into my soul. I was just lost, trapped between right and wrong. My life was quickly becoming a car crash, drawn to the one guy I really shouldn’t be, but felt this irrefutable connection to. It was tenuous at best. It thickened the air between us and made it alive with electricity that covered my skin and sunk its claws into me.

River was an amalgamation of every one of my deepest fantasies plucked right out of my head. Maybe they’d been molded by the time we spent together when we were younger and I was discovering my sexuality. Dark hair, deep hypnotic green eyes, and the face of an angel. Even though he’d survived atrocities that had stripped him of his humanity, he still shone brighter than the sun.

My fingers itched with the need to feel his soft skin under mine. To map out every scar that he wore like a warrior. I’d never known someone as strong as River. His suffering was an intrinsic part of him, but I would lavish him with my love for the rest of his life if it meant he granted me a second of his time. A moment in his life.

I cleared my throat and sat back in my chair, splaying my legs under the table. Montoya raised her brow at me, eyes dipping down to her watch, then back to me. “I knew him when I was younger, as you know.” She nodded. “The two years I spent with him in foster care were not great because I was reeling from the loss of my family and being an orphan. But River became the foundation that held me up. He became my home, I guess you could say. He was nonverbal when I arrived, but he shadowed me, kind of like he was seeking shelter being around me becauseI was big enough to protect him when no one else would. And from there, we formed a bond that has stayed with me all these years.”

“I see, but that doesn’t explain… this.”

Cool beer slipped down my throat, washing away the tightness I felt as my words started to flow. “When I saw him in the interview room, it was like I’d been struck with a wrecking ball. Every memory from that time came flooding back until I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t understand how the broken boy I’d known was sitting before me like a ruin. The spark I’d nurtured in him over those two years was extinguished. And do you know what my first instinct was?”

Montoya blinked at me through her lashes. “No?”

I shook my head, a rueful smile curling my lips. “I wanted to run to him and wrap him in my arms. I wanted to kill anyone who had dared to hurt him. I wanted to burn the world down and remake it into one worthy of him.” I sucked in a shuddering breath, tears pricked the back of my eyes like razor blades. “I felt like a failure, and it made me hate myself. Do you know why I signed up to the academy?”

“Because you wanted to make the world a better place? You’ve always been an idealist.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s it, in a sense. I wanted to get justice for people who were killed like my family, but I also wanted to make sure innocent children like River were not subjected to the type of life he’d led?—”

“And when you saw him, you took it as a personal failure?” She reached forward and took my hand in hers. “But you didn’t know, big guy,” Montoya said softly.

“You’re right, I didn’t. But I could have found him. I could have tried harder after I’d spoken to Mrs. Wilkinson, the lady who fostered us, but I didn’t. My arrogance left me secureenough to believe a system I knew failed kids every day was enough for him.”

“That wasn’t your fault. Neither is it that you guys kissed. There’s history between you, and you’re a caretaker, a bleeding heart. Whatever happened can’t have been that bad.”

Unfairly comforted by her words, I continued, “You know how I’ve only had a few relationships in all the time we’ve known each other?” Montoya made a noise of affirmation in the back of her throat. “After doing some research, I discovered I was demi. They never worked out, because I didn’t have a connection with them.”

“Right, that I can totally understand. You could have told me, you know. I wouldn’t have pressured you into letting off steam and hooking up like I have.”

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