Page 36 of The Lies We Believe

“It was a mistake, River. I should—” My phone rang, cutting me off. That was Montoya’s tone. I knew I needed to answer it, but I needed to fix this more. My hands clawed through my thick hair, as I agonized over what to do. Shit! Each inhale burned, flooding my lungs with venom until I was frozen with indecision. I had a job to do, and I’d never hated it more than at this moment. I was at a crossroads, and my choice now would send ripples across my life that I might not survive.

River knelt on my bed, his arms wrapped around his chest like it was the only thing holding him together, looking like he was about to break. The tension between us was suffocating and insufferable. The ringing stopped only to start again, and my eyes darted between his fracturing form and the phone on my nightstand.

“Wait there,” I barked harshly and winced as River flinched like I’d struck him, making himself as small as possible, like he wished he was invisible. Fuck! I keep fucking everything up. Why was I such a shitty person? The boy who owned me heart and soul was suffering because of me, and I was choosing my job over mending what I’d broken. Selfish. Shaking my head, I sucked in a ragged breath and grabbed my phone. “Yes.”

“Well, shit, that’s one way to answer the phone,” Montoya snarked back at me to hide the hurt lacing her tone.Might as well keep on digging now.

My head tipped back on my shoulders, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. My head pulsed, and it felt like my eyes were about to explode. “Sorry,” I grunted through gritted teeth. I was fraying, unraveling each moment I couldn’t right this wrong with River. The feeling of River under my touch was fading as inhales sawed in and out of my dry mouth. Montoya’s voicebecame background noise as I spun on my heel to find him gone. The snick of the lock engaging on his door filled me with dread.

“Benson! Are you listening?!”

“Huh?”

“Jesus,” she muttered. I fell to my knees, staring at the locked door across the hallway. All I wanted to do was crawl on my hands and knees and beg him to forgive me. To give me a chance to explain. It was as obtainable as stopping water from slipping through my fingers. “You need to get down to the station. Now. We’ve got a body?—”

“Shit! Be there in fifteen.” I hung up and threw my phone on the bed as images of River assaulted my addled mind and jumped into the shower. Ice-cold water burned my skin, freezing me to my core. My heart stuttered in its prison and shattered. The tiles were unforgiving as my head crashed into them, tears seeping from my closed eyes before being washed away like they never existed. It felt like I was grieving, even though I knew he was breathing just a few feet away from me.

CHAPTER 16

RIVER

Istumbled from his room, choking on my breaths as my lungs revolted when I sucked air in through my clenched teeth. Tears burned down my cheeks, carving agony into my bones. This is what happened when you gave your heart to someone and trusted them. I gave him the power to destroy me, and he did it with four little heartless words.This was a mistakeplayed on repeat in my head like a scratched record, drilling my pain into me until I was consumed by it. I tripped over my feet as I fell into my door and ended up sprawled on the cold floorboards.

The desire to move was long gone. If he didn’t care about me, who was left? I’d rather be six feet under. I was more alone in the world than I’d ever been, flying high one second, only to crash back into the ground, smashed to smithereens.

His muffled voice sounds distorted, like he was trapped on the other side of a landslide. I wanted to call out to him, beg him to keep me, but what was the point? What happened today was my fault. I fucked everything up.

I was worthless.

Broken.

Disgusting.

I gave him the only thing I had to give that really meant anything—my body. He loved it until he didn’t. They always love the illusion over reality. I should have known better than to let myself dream. No one tells you that nightmares were also dreams. The look of disgust and loathing that distorted his beautiful features would be etched into my memories for as long as I breathed.

The shower turned on, drowning out the last time I’d ever hear his voice. This was my swan song. My last goodbye. I tried to convince myself that this was okay, that this made everything easier. If only I could turn those pesky, manipulative emotions off. On my hands and knees, unable to find the strength to stand, I pushed the door closed and locked it, then curled up on my bed. Silent tears poured from my aching eyes. Visceral agony consumed me, and I gave in to the darkness clawing at me.

I was trapped in a war between my mind and my heart. My brain knew the truth, but my heart refused to accept it. I wanted him to want me the way he said he did. I craved it, fucking needed it like I needed air to breathe. My body was scarred from the abuse of a million faceless men, but the wound Bane left on my heart was the one that made me pray for it all to just end.

Time passed unchecked, but the pain inside me didn’t abate; it only grew in its intensity. His heavy footsteps stormed out of his room, halting by my door. His labored breaths sounded like a battering ram. I held my breath, praying he’d knock or kick it down, desperate to hear his voice as he begged me for forgiveness, but it never came.

A door slammed downstairs, echoing through the hollow walls. I expected to hear the throaty rumble of his bike, but all I caught was the low hum of an engine from the driveway. Tires squealed against the blacktop as he floored it away from me. He couldn’t wait to be rid of me, leaving me behind like he’d done before. I should have known history would always repeat itself.

My knuckles bit into the flesh of my thigh, fire burning under the skin as I brought my fist down onto the same spot again in another bruising blow. I needed another source of pain to unlock my chest. It might sound crazy, but I could regulate physical pain. Own it. Even seek release in it. The scars on my arms were testament to that. My thigh pulsed, but it wasn’t enough to override the surge I was drowning in. I could smash my fist or head into a mirror, but that would create too much mess, and I’d already stained Bane’s life with my presence.

Gritting my teeth, I let the memories flow. They shredded what was left of my heart as his bright smile flickered through my mind. The taste of his lips. Soft and warm as they devoured me. The silky heavyweight of him on my tongue. His intoxicating cedarwood and leather scent. The one that permeated the entire house and my godforsaken soul.

When the only thing I could focus on was the poisonous pain spreading through my leg, I could finally breathe. This, I knew and understood. I was a master at it. Slipping off the bed, I wobbled as my feet hit the cold floor, the room spinning around me. Unable to bear weight on one side, I pushed myself to the closet and grabbed my bag. Glancing over my room one last time, my eyes snagged on the permanent marker on the nightstand, and I shoved it into my pocket before picking up a tee off the floor.

The walls moved of their own accord as I stepped into his room and shoved my shirt inside his pillow. I wanted him to have a piece of me with him, even if he didn’t want me. There would always be a part of me that wanted him. From there, I walked into his bathroom. His scent hit me in a cloud of steam. My heart stuttered for a beat before it started racing. The mirror above the sink was clean and dry, thankfully. I pulled the pen from my pocket and wrote the words I’d never be able to say.

I’m sorry for ruining everything.

Forgive me.

Downstairs, I kissed Shadow goodbye. His large eyes blinked up at me as he tilted his head to the side in confusion. “I’m sorry, baby boy.” He licked my face, making me swallow around the ball of emotion lodged there. “I can’t stay.” I sobbed, tear drops clinging to my lashes. “Look after Daddy for me.” He licked me again, and I took that as a yes and gave him a treat before shutting him in his crate.

My boots were where I’d left them by the front door. I grabbed them and headed into the attached garage and slipped them on. From listening to Bane’s conversations with Montoya, I knew there was a blind spot on the side of the garage where his property bordered the old lady’s next door. This was my only shot at getting out undetected, leaving Bane none the wiser.

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