Page 31 of The Lies We Believe

He opened his mouth to speak but stopped, his lips trembling. The guilt was still there, lurking behind his eyes, clinging to him like a dark shadow. But for the first time, I sawsomething else—a flicker of doubt, a small crack in the armor he had worn for so long. A flicker of hope sparked in the emptiness.

He collapsed into my arms as that dam finally broke and carried him down the river of his pain. His fingers curled around my henley, clutching himself to me. I felt every sob and gasping breath as he relinquished his hold on the trauma he kept locked inside his head.

I was beaten black and blue, charred to the bone, as his words burned right through me. I held him tighter as each story of humiliation spilled from his lips. As he described how johns wrapped wires around his throat so he couldn’t breathe and laughed as he cried until he passed out.

How some tied his arms above his head and whipped him with riding crops, chains, and broken chair legs until his skin broke and bones shattered. Until his legs buckled and he passed out on the floor while they violated his unconscious body before discarding him without a second thought.

He’d been pissed on, defecated on, and forced to eat vomit. He’d been gang raped at gunpoint and had every inconceivable inanimate object thrust inside him, injuring him so badly they dumped him on the steps of the local hospital because they thought he was about to die.

They’d forced River to scream until all he could taste was blood. And when he’d tried to leave, they’d threatened him with death and starved him for a week.

He told me how they’d made him and the other boys watch as they executed an escapee with a bullet to the brain before being locked in the room with his body until they disposed of it, so they would understand the consequences of their actions.

I held him through every whimpered word, through every soul-crushing cry. I held him as he screamed in my arms, and the fight drained from him. Until the gut-churning soundscracked and broke into nothing more than sawing breaths that echoed in the stagnant silence of his room.

When unconsciousness took him, I finally allowed myself to break and cried silently for the boy I’d known and for the man I was starting to understand. I cried for the injustice of the world and the horror humanity wrought on its own kind. I didn’t understand how another soul could do that to another human being without care or remorse.

I shuffled us around until my back rested against the headboard and arranged River so he sprawled across my chest, protected in my arms as he slept. Exhaustion lined his face. The dark pits under his closed eyes were back, where his wet lashes kissed his tear-streaked skin. His full lips were bleached of color and pressed into a thin line. Even unconsciousness didn’t allow him a reprieve from everything locked away in his head.

With nothing to distract my mind, it wandered to River’s explanation about how he shut down whenever they touched him. How he’d drift off into another place, a life he wished he’d lived but knew was never possible. Today proved his memories were like Pandora’s box. Once he opened that seal, everything came spewing out, visceral and scathing, leaving nothing but rubble in its wake.

River broke me beyond comprehension today. I couldn’t fathom how he managed to smile, let alone had the strength to get up every day and keep going. It wasn’t that I lacked empathy; I just didn’t know how to traverse the hell he was trapped in and bring him back to a world where the sunrise was a positive thing. I didn’t know how to show him I’d give my last breath to see him live.

I held my broken heart in my arms as the pale early morning sun passed and painted the room with golden hues of late afternoon. I held on to him like I would never let him go. Andafter today’s revelations, they would have to pry him from my cold, dead fingers before I relinquished my hold on him.

By the timemy legs were numb, an idea struck that I hoped was a stroke of brilliance. I had to get River out of here, away from the morning that had drained both of us and every depressing thought he’d associate with it. I wanted to show him what it felt like to be free. How amazing it was to fly without wings and blow the cobwebs away and start the day afresh.

My fingers trailed through his matted damp hair with one hand while the other rested protectively on his back, subconsciously checking his breathing was soft and even. God knew he needed a lifetime of sleep, but he’d have to wait a bit longer. My heart rate picked up as my resolve solidified, and my plan came together. A bolt of nervous energy struck my heart at the thought he might not want to do this with me.

I ran my knuckles down his cheek, brushing back the black strands that obscured his beautiful face. “River, angel?” I breathed him in as he stirred on my chest. I felt the moment he awoke as tension snaked through him, and his breathing stopped for a second as his eyes fluttered open.

River pushed back on my chest, re-situating himself so his chin rested on his hands as he looked up at me. A wavering smile flickered across his lips before the tip of his tongue toyed with a fresh scab. “H-hi,” he said shyly, a delicate blush staining his cheeks.

“Hey angel,” I murmured, running my fingers through his hair. My heart grew three times too big when he leaned into mytouch, even after everything we’d been through this morning. “I thought we could go out? I want to show you something. How does that sound?”

He made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, and a wariness crept into his eyes, shutting off his emotions. River scooted back and knelt at my feet. It took everything within me not to chase after him and pull him back into the safety of my arms. He needed time to decompress and piece himself together. Time to decide if he was going to remain open with me, or if he was going to close himself off and shore up his walls that had fallen spectacularly.

Not wanting to tempt fate or push him any further, I got up and walked to the door. With my hand wrapped around the handle, I looked at him over my shoulder. “Why don’t you have a shower, put on something sturdy, and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

River blinked at me. A wild animal stalked through his eyes, testing the bars of his cage like he didn’t know whether he wanted to run or kill me. I stood patiently, waiting for any kind of signal as to where his mind was at. I might have looked calm, but I felt like a duck treading water, on the verge of sinking, because I didn’t know how to swim.

After what seemed like hours, his top teeth sunk into that abused bottom lip, and he nodded once before getting up and locking the bathroom door behind him. I remained there at his door, stuck in stasis, waiting to hear the shower turn on, but everything remained deathly silent. I sent up a prayer to any god that would listen that River would come downstairs to meet me and left.

While I waited on tenterhooks, I quickly threw together a small picnic, grabbing chips, snacks, and making a couple of subs before packing it all in my bag and pulling a couple of bottles of water from the fridge. I left a glass of water and some Tylenol on the counter, along with a note to meet me out front.I let Shadow out into the yard to do his doggy business before shutting him in his crate. “Sorry, buddy, but you can’t come with us,” I soothed and poked his favorite treat through to him.

I headed into the garage, locking up behind me, and gave my all-black Hammerhead 1190 a quick once over to make sure it was in tiptop condition to transport my precious cargo. I wouldn’t allow anything to go amiss this afternoon. River’s safety was my top priority. It was a burden I’d chosen to bear, and I’d do so to the best of my ability. I should have realized the turn my thoughts had taken, but I was too focused on my tasks as I waited for the garage door to open. Bright sunlight blinded me, and fresh air filled my lungs as I took a long, deep inhale and pushed my bike out on the driveway to wait for River. Excitement thrummed through me. I’d never allowed someone else on my bike with me, and I couldn’t think of anyone more worthy to break my rules for than River.

CHAPTER 14

RIVER

How Bane could still look at me so tenderly threw me for a fucked up loop after I’d spilled every dark facet that was locked away in my mind. The images, sights, and sounds I’d tried to bury in a place where the sun would never shine had been released from their cage. Something about the earnest look in his mismatched eyes brought them back to life in a kaleidoscope of suffering that was now stuck on repeat. Every time I closed my eyes, a different memory assaulted me, dragging its claws through me until I was nothing but ruined ribbons of red. I felt flayed wide open and vulnerable to my core. When I glanced down at the tiles beneath my feet, I expected to find them running red with a river of blood. Instead, the white tiles gleamed back at me, almost in mockery of my pain.

I hadn’t been totally truthful with Bane—there was still one secret I’d kept from him, and I would take it to the grave. The brothers promised me that their faces would be the last I ever saw. It wasn’t an idle threat; I’d seen the bloodlust and insatiable need in their eyes. They had taunted me about how good it would be to fuck me as I took my last breath, and then tortured me with all the things they’d do to the body I left behind.

I couldn’t bring that to Bane’s door. I refused to. It would break him in ways I couldn’t even contemplate. I just needed to find the path of least resistance to break away. My bag was packed and stuffed in the back of my closet. I’d been squirreling away items of food and a few bottles of water, so I had something to get by with when I ran. I just needed to work out where to go or how to get as far away from here as possible. Holme Oaks was a large town, but it wasn’t big enough for me to become invisible in, like a sprawling city metropolis would be. Dahlia had a wide reach and was well connected. She’d followed in her father’s and grandfather’s footsteps, and her business spanned most of the USA, South America, and beyond. One night, I’d overheard her laughing about the raids on her clubs and how pathetic the local law enforcement were. Dahlia thought she was untouchable, and I wanted to prove her wrong as much as I wanted to do right by Bane.

An idea grew like a seed in my mind, pushing back the faces of men that infected it like a poison. I knew what I had to do to pay penance to Bane for upending his life. I just hoped he would forgive me, because everything I was about to do would be for him.

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