Page 24 of The Lies We Believe

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me and crawled from the front window to the door. My hands shook so hard it took me three tries to get the door unlocked. After pushing myself up, I knocked twice before tripping over my feet as I turned toward the stairs. Sweat drenched my skin, making my tee cling to my back like a second skin underneath my hoodie. I’d only made it to the bottom step when I heard the door open and two distinct sets of footsteps walked in. One was light, almost bouncy, and matched the guy who had spoken to me. The other was heavy and dragged slightly, like the guy had a bad knee or hip.

“I’ll get right on it now. Shouldn’t take me more than an hour. I’ve got all new cameras, sensors, and an updated control panel to install.”

The heavy footsteps rang out against the hardwood floors and continued deeper into the house. I tracked the sound into the living room where the unused armchair squeaked. “That’s good, James. I’m just going to sit back and take a nap.”

Every muscle in my body tightened at the thready sound of that voice, freezing me in place. My breaths shallowed and punched in and out of my chest. Darkness clouded the edges of my vision. Shit. Shit. Shit. I knew that voice. I’d heard it many times before.

“Ha. You do that, man.” The lighter voice chuckled, followed by a heavy metallic clunk, like he’d dropped a tool bag on the floor.

My hands slipped on the wooden steps as I dragged myself up them, knowing I had to get away from that voice and the barrage of memories that flowed through my mind on an endless loop. I’d never seen his face, but I knew his voice and what it felt like when he struck my body with his hand, his shoes, and his favorite wooden cane. I knew what it felt like when he pulled my hands behind my back and pinned me down, and how he loved to kick my feet wide apart and fuck into me like I was a blow-up doll, like I didn’t have any feelings. I knew how he sounded when he laughed and crowed because he made me scream, what he sounded like when he came. I could remember the bitter taste when he spilled in my mouth and over my face. I remembered how I had to swallow down the vomit that rose in the back of my throat.

I remembered them all. Millions of hands on my body. Fingers digging into my flesh, sometimes hard enough to draw blood, while others left scars. I could feel every cane and whip that struck my skin and split my flesh. I remembered every wordof hate, ownership, and degradation. Every slut, every worthless hole, and every whore that was whispered in my ears as tears streamed down my face. I remembered choking on the taste of my blood as it filled my mouth when my nose got broken from being slammed into the nightstand, a table, the floor.

Every moment was accounted for, no matter how hard I tried to forget. It was like my brain had hard-wired them into its deepest dark recesses just to taunt me as soon as I had the opportunity to escape.

I screamed silently when arms wrapped around me and lifted me off the floor as I hyperventilated. I shook my head from side to side, silently trying to free myself. My arms and legs pushed and punched and kicked. Deep grunts punctuated the static that drowned out every other sound until all I could hear were my whimpering cries. My pleas. My prayers.

“Shhhhh.”

Steel bands held me in place like an immovable force, trapping me against a hard body. Why wouldn’t they let me go? I needed to run. Please, please, don’t hurt me.Please.

“It’s okay, River. It’s okay.” I threw my head, smashing it against the body that caged me in. “You’re safe. You’re safe.”

I’m not! I’ll never be safe as long as I’m breathing!I’ll never be safe. My memories will always be there. “I…I’ll…n-ne…ver…be…f-f-f-free.” The words wrenched their way out of my soul unbidden and coated my tongue with ash.

“Oh, River.” A pained whimper rocked through me. I couldn’t tell if it was me or him or both of us. “Please, please don’t say that. I’m here. I’ll always keep you safe, no matter what. I promise you. I won’t let them hurt you. I promise. I promise. Ipromise…”

Every inhale burned like I was inhaling poison, making my lungs melt. My throat ached like I’d swallowed shards of glass. I could hear someone calling my name far, far away.

Warm hands cupped my cheeks, and soft pants of air brushed over my lips. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not alone, River. I’m here. I’m here.” His deep melodic voice repeated the words over and over until it became a metronome for every beat of my heart. His inhales became mine as he breathed against me, filling my lungs, forcing the panic that had ravaged me to retreat. “That’s it, good boy. Again.” His lips brushed against mine, warm and soft. His hand cupped my face, his thumb brushing away the torrent of tears that still streamed down my cheeks.

A whimper pushed its way up my throat, and I shuddered under his tender attention. His hypnotic eyes bored into me as my vision slowly cleared, the darkness receding. The depth of emotion that glistened in them made my heart rate spike once again. I clutched at his navy henley. I didn’t know if I was trying to pull him closer, push him away, or imbed myself into him so he could never leave me.

Every thought and memory in my mind was a chaotic mess. I was drowning in a raging storm, and he was the lifeline that had been thrown my way. I hated feeling like this, so lost and out of control. Being around Bane made me weak, and that was something I couldn’t afford to be. The armor I’d encased myself in for years had been stripped away, leaving me vulnerable and exposed. He was my kryptonite, my damnation, and my salvation. No matter how much I wanted him, wanted to be saved by him, I couldn’t be. I knew that. His life was his own. He was strong and practically perfect in every way, and I would be nothing more than a stain on everything he’d achieved, everything he could be.

I needed to dig deep and bury every feeling that had started to bloom inside me. They could only be shadows of what could have been, for they will never see the light of day. With my mind made up, I pushed Bane back. His intoxicating cedarwood and leather scent threatened to dissolve the resolve I’d forced uponmyself. A look of hurt flashed across his face as I pushed against his shoulders again. It hurt more than I wanted to admit. Every time he hurt, it was like hammering a rusty nail into my heart. But this was the right thing to do. It was the only choice.

Bane drew back and sat against the headboard of my bed, and wiped away the dampness from his face with a shaky hand. “Are you okay?”

I licked my lips, tasting the salt of my tears, and nodded. “Yess,” I hissed, my inner turmoil granting me the power to use my voice.

Bane didn’t look convinced as the furrow between his brows deepened. “That’s the second time today you’ve spoken to me.” A light flickered in his eyes, almost like he was proud of me. He couldn’t be—I wouldn’t allow it. “What happened?”

His deep voice was soothing, a gentle wave lapping at the icy fire that licked through my veins. I shrugged and hauled myself up, so I mirrored him. With my back against the headboard, I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and creating a barrier between us. The bedding between us became a no-man’s-land, a barren wasteland of everything that could have been, of every thought and feeling neither of us wanted to admit. A death before life had ever taken hold, the place where all good intentions went to die.

Out of words, I pulled my phone from my back pocket and typed a message.

I had a flashback. It felt like I was back there with…

Bane’s phone vibrated in his hand and a look flitted across his features that I couldn’t name as he read my message.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head and chewed the inside of my cheek.

“If you don’t want to talk to me, I can recommend someone else. Joelle is very good, and she’s helped me a lot over the years. She could help you process everything you’ve been through.”

No!

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