Page 13 of The Lies We Believe

I didn’t rememberif I fell asleep or passed out as my mind spiraled out of control, but as I came to and peeled my heavy lids open and the world came into focus, I realized I was somewhere new. Cocooned in soft blankets that made me feel safe, the thick scent of cedarwood and leather invaded my senses and eased the tightness that had gripped my lungs. My fingers curled around the fluffy blanket covering my mouth and pulled it down from my face, freeing my shoulders. I lifted my head from the soft cushion and shuffled from my prone position until I was sitting up and took in the room I was in.

A TV on the wall opposite flickered with a show I’d never seen, the characters moving around silently above a wooden fireplace littered with ornaments and small photo frames. An electric fire glowed below it, the red and blue flames dancing calmly as they phased in and out, illuminating the room as my eyes adjusted to the muted light.

A low level coffee table beside me contained a glass of water covered in condensation sitting on a coaster with two tablets next to it. My dry throat ached, but I was too warm in my blanket cocoon to move to ease the pain. Soft snores drifted through the otherwise silent room, pulling my eyes to Bane, where he sat rather awkwardly in an armchair, fast asleep with his head tipped back, exposing his Adam’s apple that rolled every so often in his throat. The tip of his pink tongue teased across his fullbottom lip before he startled awake because his feet fell off the edge of the coffee table.

“Wh-what the who?” The shock on Bane’s face was priceless. It brought on a tentative smile that tore the fresh scab on my lip bottom as it twitched. I snickered a rasping laugh that morphed into a heaving cough that made my eyes water.

“Here,” Bane said softly, holding the glass of water in front of me as I sucked in a gasping inhale while my lungs were fighting to push the air out. “Have a sip, slowly. It’ll help.” My shaky hand wrapped around the slick glass that instantly started to slide through my fingers. Thankfully, Bane helped guide it to my mouth. The cool liquid felt like the first drops of rain following a drought as it flowed down my throat.

When I’d finished, he took the glass from me, placed it back on the table, and ran his hand through my hair. The soft rhythmical scrape of his blunt nails over my scalp soothed the ragged edges of the panic attack that still clung to me. I sighed, sinking back into my blanket cocoon. My eyes felt heavy again. Sleep called me, but I didn’t want them to close and erase the tender look on Bane’s face, and the way his mismatched eyes glinted in the dancing light from the fire.

When was the last time someone looked at me like that?

Pale morning lightfiltered through the blinds covering the sliding doors leading to a deck overlooking a large backyard. I rubbed away the sleep from my eyes with the heel of my hands and stretched out my aching muscles. A shiver rolled through me when I realized I was alone. It felt wrong being in Bane’shouse unsupervised. It’s not like I was going to rob him, but I could run. Run where? It’s not like I had anywhere to go, but being here didn’t feel right. It felt like I was taking advantage of him, no matter why he said I was here.

“Here you go.” His large hand appeared in my line of sight, and a steaming mug of coffee taunted me. It smelled strong and rich, and had me salivating for just a taste. “Be careful, it’s hot.”

My eyes narrowed at him, letting them speak for me.I’m not a child.Bane snorted and held up his hands as mine wrapped around the cup of liquid gold. I inhaled its delicious scent and shuffled until my back rested on the armrest so I could stretch my legs out, and blew at the soft swirls of steam.

“I didn’t know how you took it, so I only added a little milk to take the edge off. But there are creamers and stuff in the fridge in the kitchen if you want, or you can have mine if you prefer it without milk,” he rambled as he sat on the couch by my feet, automatically pulling them into his lap. He froze as I eyed him over my cup. “Is this okay?” he asked.

I nodded, feeling heat rise in my cheeks as my stomach gave an almighty rumble, making me wince from the painful pang.

“Hungry?”

I shrugged instead of acknowledging his question and continued to blow on my coffee. I knew he wanted me to give them information to help their case, but there wasn’t much more I could give him, other than all the gruesome details of what the johns who had bought and used my body subjected me to. Bane was good people, and I didn’t want him to know the details of what I’d experienced. That led to only one logical conclusion—I had to leave before I broke or tainted him. I had to go.

Bane, ever the optimist, refused to let the silence stretch between us any longer. “Since our trip to Walmart didn’t go to plan last night, I thought we could do some online shopping. Getyou some new clothes that fit, and all the bits you’ll need to make your room upstairs, well, yours.”

My room? I’d assumed he’d keep me here on the sofa. It wasn’t like this arrangement was permanent. Once I’d lived out my usefulness, he’d kick me to the curb, right?

“Don’t look at me like that, River.” I blanched at the hard edges of his tone. “I told you last night we’d get you some bedding.” He sighed and scrubbed his hands down his face, shoulders dropping in defeat.

Bane lifted my feet so he could turn to face me, tucking one of his thick thighs up on the couch before he kneaded my soles with his thumbs. Fuck, that felt amazing. “River, I know I said we want you to help with the case.” I nodded along like a bobble head. “But I care about you.” I blinked in confusion, and a sad smile flickered on his striking face. “I know you don’t believe me, but you made a massive impact on my life. Those two years… they left footprints on my soul. I’ve thought about you often over the years since the Hendrix’s adopted me. I tried to get them to adopt you too, but they refused.” His sadness at that fact was palpable. I raised my eyes and pinched my lips together as if to say,what can you do?“I’m sorry I couldn’t, Riv.” He squeezed my foot to emphasize the depth of his words.

My head fell back on my shoulders, hiding the emotions burning my eyes. I couldn’t get attached again. That only led to a pain I didn’t know how to cope with, so I did what I had taught myself to do. I shut it down and locked it away in that box in my mind and added a hazard sticker to it for good measure.

Bane continued, either unaware of my internal struggle, or graciously ignoring it. “They said they adopted me because I reminded them of their son that died from leukemia on his seventeenth birthday.” I choked on a mouthful of coffee. What the fuck?! That was wrong on so many damn levels. Bane deserved to be chosen because of who he was, not because hewas an imitation of a memory or a lost loved one. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but I didn’t know how to. My throat grew tight as he blinked away the glassiness coating his eyes.

“Anyway,” he went on, “They removed me from foster care and into what appeared to be the perfect home. They had—have—money, a large house, a pool.” He cracked a smile at whatever look was on my face. “But they didn’t give me a family, not even a facsimile of the one I lost. I was their stand-in. It was like they were made of cardboard, moving like shadow puppets through life. They had everything at their disposal, and Rosalie spent all of her time down at the country club while William had a mistress and his job. I never saw either of them other than Sundays for lunch at the country club, where I had to dress in the clothes Annalise—the housekeeper—laid out for me. It wasn’t a life or the family they promised me.”

An indignant snort ripped through the tense air. What I wouldn’t have given to have had that life, the one he was describing. Even with parents that had checked out mentally, it would have been better than running away at twelve and living on the streets. Raiding bins for scraps of food, hiding under bags of trash for warmth, hearing the rats scrabble around me. And when begging provided no money, working out that I could turn tricks in the back allies of bars. A quick blowjob here and there on a Friday night could give me enough cash to get a hot meal or a coat to sleep in.

Bane pinned me with those mysterious mismatched eyes of his and watched as I traced my bottom lip with my tongue. Clearing his throat, he blinked himself out of a daze. “I know it’s nothing like you’ve lived through, but I’d like to know, to understand, Riv.” He leaned forward, placing his too hot hand on my now bent knee. “I want to help you re-acclimate to the world. To find your feet. Heal.” His words sounded wonderful, but that’s all they were. Words. Empty promises. He’d soon seethat I was so far beyond help. This—me—was a waste of his time and energy.

“How about we start with something simple? Clothes and a few things for your room, including a toothbrush and soap. I’m sure you’d love a shower or a bath?” Fuck me, that sounded amazing. I wanted to ask if he had hot water, since it’d been years since I had a hot shower, but I swallowed down the urge.

“Move.” Bane pushed my feet and gestured for me to sit up as he leaned over the side of the sofa and pulled a laptop onto his lap. “Grab me the cushion behind you, please.”

After setting my empty cup on the table, I passed it to him. My heart thumped as he shuffled closer to me, close enough that his thigh pressed against mine, and started tapping away on the keys. The bright screen was so different from the one I occasionally caught sight of in the apartment Dahlia kept me in. It was sleek, slimline, clearly new, and obviously expensive. I wanted to touch it as much as I was terrified to.

Caught looking at the thing like it might bite me, Bane chuckled. “Do you want to have a look? I need to get my card.” My lips parted, and my throat tightened as he placed the cushion and laptop on my lap. “Add whatever you want to the basket. You remember how to use one?” I winced. He wasn’t being malicious, but it made me feel lesser, and my hackles rose. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Bane puffed out a frustrated breath. “I wasn’t saying you couldn’t, okay? I’m just assuming it’s been a while like you were on a computer?” Bingo. I’d only had a few lessons on one in elementary school, and that felt like a lifetime ago.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” A large hand wrapped around my knee and squeezed, reassuring me. I still couldn’t unpick how it felt safe, natural even when Bane touched me, but when others did, it made me want to burn my skin off with acid. “I suck with them. Montoya—my partner—is always fixing mymess ups.” Warmth infused his eyes as I tried out the keypad and looked at the screen. “Have a look through and pick what you want and add it to the basket. I’m going to grab my wallet and get us something to eat. Bacon, eggs, and toast sound good?”

Before I realized it, Bane left me alone as I scrolled through the site, trying to work out what I needed. Maybe I should start at what size I was? I had no idea. I didn’t care if the stuff I picked was too big. Just to have something that was mine, and new, and clean, would be more than I’d ever really had. My hand shook as I scrolled through pages. Boxers or briefs? Pants or joggers? Hoodies or shirts? As for bedding, what did you need? What did a normal person have? I’d lived on a bare mattress with a threadbare blanket for so long, all this choice was too much. Scary.

What if I picked wrong and Bane didn’t like it?Don’t be stupid. He wants you to be happy and comfortable.What was happy and comfortable? My life was about surviving each day while simultaneously praying it was my last. So being thrust into a situation where I could have whatever I wanted within reason scared the shit out of me.

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