Page 32 of Loving Her

“Not that!” Ruby waved her hands around, exasperated. “You know not that. The little things I wrote in the relationships,even the ones without happy endings. Quiet moments. Snuggles. Little thoughtful gestures.”

Natalie blinked. “So… from what you told me about the week in New York… that’s what you got?”

“But I didn’trealizeI had it! I had it for years. If I didn’t notice I had it, did I really want it?” Ruby shoved her hands up into her hair and clunked her elbows on the booth table. “And you know what else? It has been an entire week of Sasha not speaking to me. We weren’t even officially in a relationship and we’re going through a breakup and I lost my friend. What happens if we fix this, get together, and thenactuallybreak up? I’m already sad about losing my friend and I hope it’s temporary. I don’t want to lose my best friend for good!”

“Rubes, that’s a risk in any good relationship. You should be friends with your lover. That’s whatmakesit a good relationship. My parents were friends, your brother and his wife were friends—think about every solid relationship you’ve seen.”

“Esme and Nora weren’t friends,” Ruby pointed out, rolling her eyes up to look at Natalie. “Deborah and Holly weren’t friends. They just found crazy wild love out of nowhere! And then there’s Goldie and Cam, they definitely were not friends.”

“Ok, ok, I mean, there are different types of love, and you didn’t want the crazy wild type anyway. Stop with the what ifs and maybes, Rubes!” Natalie reached over and tugged Ruby’s hands out of her hair. “You know what you’regreatat? Plotting. Overthinking. Maybe what you actually need is to givethata rest for once. Just accept that the universe has handed you what most of us would kill to have. I mean, do you love Sasha?”

“I love her. What I don’t know is if I’m in love with her. I’m…” Ruby swallowed. “I think I’m too afraid to look at it too closely. If I am in love with her, I risk losing my friend. If I’m not in love with her, I hurt her again, and I risk losing my friend. I don’twant to lose my friend, and above anything else, I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

“So it’s better to definitely not have the love you want rather than take any risks at all?”

Ruby glanced across the Lounge just in time to see Sasha emerging from the kitchen with a plate of food for Esme, who often forgot to eat. She looked sad, and walled off, and Ruby’s heart ached for her.

She had never intended for things to go this way. They were supposed to just have a fun week and get her family off her back. Everything had gone so wrong… and yet, for a few days there, they’d been so perfect. Everything she’d ever wanted. Did she have it in her to pursue getting that back?

And did it even matter if she did? “She won’t let me talk to her anyway.”

Natalie pursed her lips together and looked thoughtful. “You trust me?”

“With my dog and my life,” Ruby affirmed, mystified.

With a short nod, Natalie slid out of the booth seat and grabbed Ruby’s now-empty milkshake glass. “Go home. And give me a few days. Focus on your writing.”

“But…”

“Go, Rubes. Finish your book. Think about how you feel about Sasha. And leave everything else to me.”

What else was there for her to do? Ruby slid her laptop into her messenger bag, left cash on the table for her bill, and snuck out of the Indigo Lounge, wondering exactly what Natalie had up her sleeve.

“I wish you’d talk to me.”

Sasha paused her wiping down of the grill and turned to look at Esme. Her friend and boss was leaning against the kitchen door of the Lounge, arms crossed over her chest. Sympathy gleamed from her warm brown eyes, making Sasha turn away hastily and apply herself even more strenuously to her task. Sweet, warm-hearted Esme had a way of making people spill their guts whether they wanted to or not.

She chose her words carefully when she finally replied, keeping things simple. “There’s nothingtotalk about.”

“Oh, bullshit, Sash.” Esme tsked. “You’ve holed yourself up in the kitchen since you came back from New York. Ruby either doesn’t come in at all, which is very unlike her, or shesneaksin here and goes off to hide in a back booth and does not talk to anyone. I ain’t stupid.” She sounded offended. “So please don’t insult my intelligence. Somethingiswrong, and everyone knows it. And we’d all like to help, but one of you has to tell us what’s up.”

Sasha scrubbed hard at an imaginary grease spot on the grill. Of course, she’d known that eventually people would catch on that things had gone wrong between herself and Ruby. Their friends had actually given them a lot more leeway and time to deal with it than she’d expected; if she’d been the betting sort, she would normally put good money on their nosy gang of affectionate gossipmongers giving her and Ruby a day before they started asking questions. It had been nearly a week. She’d have lost that money, but she was impressed at their restraint.

Still, she wasn’t exactly in a mood to discuss it with anyone. An ache still remained in her chest, a pit in her stomach. The humiliation at having read the situation so, so wrongly was a large and bitter pill to swallow. The hurt at being rejected was a deep wound. Sasha had no idea how she was going to get herself together again.

“Nobody can fix this,” she said at last, amazed she could get the words out past the huge lump in her throat. “It’s late, E. I need to finish up and go home.”

“I’ve gotten complaints about the food this week, you know,” Esme said casually.

Sasha whipped around, mouth dropping open in shock. “You what?!”

“Well, not complaints, per se.” Pushing herself off the doorframe, Esme walked into the kitchen and began to pace the tiled floor. “Overheard remarks, I suppose you could call them. There’s not as much heart in the food. Something’s missing. It’s not quite right.” She glanced at Sasha. “It’s still good, everything is excellent. But people are noticing. So, if you won’t talk to me as a friend, can you talk to me as a boss who’s got some concerns about your work performance?”

Unbelievable.“E, come on.”

“You come on. Spill.” Esme turned on the espresso maker, set up a shot, and pulled a cup off of the shelf. Having just cleaned the thing, Sasha groaned in frustration. With a wink, Esme slowly filled her cup and added milk and sugar. “Talk, Sasha. I’m feeling a bit hungry, you want me to start making a sandwich?”

All Sasha could do was throw her hands in the air. “And you’ll actually do it.”

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