Page 79 of Warmer, Colder

I’m only giving her one choice.

Immature? Maybe a little. Irresistible? I hope so. I’m relying on the nostalgia of it if nothing else. Despite all the effort she’s put into forgetting our past, surely she’d remember that. She has to see that the part of my younger self that was her best friend, who loved her, is still here. We can’t go back in time andundo all the damage, but we can give those girls the ending they deserved.

I know that it will require more than a childish tug on her heartstrings to fix things, so with that same gel pen, I’m determined to pour everything that’s on my mind into a letter.

Staring down at the blank page, hope and dread fill me in equal measure, so I do what I usually would in these situations.

“Gentle Aphrodite, if you can hear me, I offer this piece of poetry as tribute for my petition.” Clearing my throat, I recall the lines I’ve read dozens of times. “Come to me once again and release me from grueling anxiety. All that my heart longs for, fulfill. And be yourself my alley in love’s battle.”

-Whom should I persuade (now again) to lead you back into my love-

Becca,

I’m sorry.

I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I need you to hear me. I’ve held onto this secret and all this pain for too long just to drop it now that it’s out there. I know that you’re angry and you have every right to be, but please just read this letter. You can tear it up and set it on fire when you’re done; I don’t care. The truth, all of it, just needs to be out there.

I didn’t set off down a path of destruction but that’s where the fork in the road brought us. I’m sorry for a lot of things, including lying to you and manipulating you. But I can’t be sorry for where it all got us. I refuse to apologize for that. Because if I’d made different choices, I wouldn’t be here with you. You’d be allalone. And I can’t bear that thought. We’ve ended up right where we’re supposed to be. You’ll see.

Until then, I’ll give you the truth you’ve asked for.

I can still remember the moment that pivoted me back into your axis. I was just scrolling and then there you were—older than the last time I’d looked you up, different but still familiar. It started with just looking at your profile, but then I saw you in that university sweatshirt. And it was like a bright, neon sign telling me exactly where I needed to be.

So, I applied, and luckily, I was accepted as a transfer student. It took a few weeks, but finally, I spotted you on campus. With careful observation, I learned your schedule, started sitting in on a few of your classes, listening to conversations with your friends, and sitting outside your house. The more I watched you, the more I needed you. You consumed my every thought. You became everything again. I tried to find a way to organically insert myself into your life. I considered a lot of things, like seducing Meg or becoming friends, but none of that would do.

With the help of Lady Aphrodite, I found my in, your birthday party. It was a perfect opportunity—easy to blend in but it allowed me to get close to you without raising suspicion. I just wanted to be around you again. I just wanted a chance to show you how I could love you.

I never intended for either of us to end up dead. I thought I could convince you that I was worth taking a risk on once I told you who I was. Once you realized that there was a reason for our undeniable chemistry when we kissed, it wouldshow you that I was worth coming out of the closet for, that I was worth living authentically for.

I was supposed to set us both free. But then Nate got in the way. I wanted to tell you the truth all along. God all I wanted was for you to see me, to recognize me, to accept me in the way you couldn’t when we were kids. But that chance was taken from me.

I won’t let that happen again. I might have made a mistake, but I’ll spend my eternity trying to fix it. I never gave up on you, and I won’t now.

I believe in us. Can you?

Circle One:

Warmer, Colder

With the little makeshift fortune teller in hand, I march confidently to Becca’s window, only lingering for a minute to admire her before quietly slipping both papers through the open window.

Now all there is to do is wait.

“I was told I have to forgive you,” Becca says, holding the fortune teller between her fingers as she sits on the bench next to me.

“Well, it is bad luck to ignore what fate tells you,” I say with a relieved laugh. My center of gravity is righted with her closeness, her leg resting against mine and her head on my shoulder. The immense dread and regret I’d been carrying melts away.

Becca lets out a long sigh, a release of her own. “How can you love me? Her eyes are pleading with me to help her understand. “I need to know how you can be with someone who’s been the source of so much pain.”

“It isn’t a choice, it’s part of who I am. There is nocan. There is nowant. There’s only this tether buried deep inside me that’s dragged me through life kicking and screaming right behind you.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy.”

“Healthy is subjective.”

That earns a laugh from her, but she sobers quickly. “I mean it. You love me so wholly, with so much conviction. What if I can’t give you everything you need?” Fidgeting, she toys with the frayed edges of her shorts. “What if I disappoint you?”

“Is that what this is about? Your fear of failure?” I turn to straddle her and grab her chin. “You insist that I don’t know who you are, but Becca, I’ve seen the darkest parts of you, and I still love you. There’s never been a moment that I haven’t loved you, even when I hated you.”

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