Page 56 of Warmer, Colder

I’ve never experienced anything like what we just shared, something so sensual and selfless, a few minutes where the only thing that mattered was my pleasure. And not even as a means to fuel someone else’s ego, but to show me that I can find it on my own. The way she let me use her body—that body that moves like it was meant to press against mine as if the hands of fate shaped her just for me—it was so perfect.

And yet, part of me is holding back.

“I know this is hard for you, but you opening up at your own pace is enough.” It’s an attempt at reassurance, an unusual kindness.

But instead of putting me at ease, the statement lands uncomfortably on my skin. The unspoken “for now”pricking my insecurities.The progress that I made tonight suddenly doesn’t seem so monumental. I’m dead and damaged. I don’t even know why I’m trying to fix this part of myself or why I’m trying to move on. It’s too late for me to become the person I never allowed myself to be. I missed that train.I spent twenty-something years running in the wrong direction.

When I look up at her, I expect to see the sharp smile that’s all teeth and tongue ready to devour me with wicked words, but in its place, I only find serenity. “It’s okay that we stopped. You did so well trying something new. You have all the time you need.” This is the mouth that coaxed me through it, not the one that picks at the tender places that have been exposed to her.

That’s what makes it so hard to do what comes next. Icy dread reaches inside me and turns my stomach. “This was a mistake.”

Chapter 25

Stasi

70 Days Dead

It’s not the first time I’ve been called a mistake, far from it. Countless people have left me behind in the bed of their regret. Sometimes I even wanted it that way because it was easier. But I forgot the most important rule,Becca is different.Those encounters never could have gutted me like this. There’s something insidious about the way neglect and emptiness cling to me with each step she takes in the opposite direction. The slimy sensation of rejection oozes from my pores. Old insecurities follow right along with it.

Always good enough to fuck. Never enough for anything more.Not even after everything I’ve sacrificed for her.

The hurt of her dismissal spills out of the floodgates and begins to taint everything good we just started building. The pride of helping her feel good in her body and the security of being the person she turned to ruined within seconds.

I follow her as she picks up her clothing off the floor and slips into the bathroom maneuvering carefully to avoid her reflection. But it’s not going to be so easy for her to brush me off. I can’t believe I gave her another piece of me. It wasn’t part of the plan. Even disguised as a game, the intimacy we just shared was real.That’s just how it’s always been with us.She can’t keep denying it.

“What?” Her brows furrow.

“That didn’t take long. I thought we’d gotten past this.” I search for that open, eager woman who’d peeked through. She’s gone; I’m left with this imposter once again. “But I guess I never see things clearly when it comes to you.” My pointer and thumb find opposite sides of her mouth and draw them upward as she trembles beneath my touch. “There she is, my pretty little liar.”

Jerking away, Becca shoots a glare at me. But she can’t hide the hurt that twists her features.Not from me.“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I thought you were done running from all this.” God I just want to go back to when she was on top of me. The temptation of all that cotton candy skin on display sidetracks me. “Can you please put your damn clothes on?” Retreating to the doorway, I escape the deceptively sweet scent of her that clouds my judgment with the perfection of what we just shared. “I should have known better instead of wanting to believe that you were finally being honest about opening up and accepting yourself.”

“I’m trying. Or I was at least. But come on, think about it. What does it even matter?” Exasperation paints her speech as she struggles with the buttons on her shorts.

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s the truth.”

“You wouldn’t know the truth if it slapped you across the face.” Shaking my head, I try to untangle the sticky web of emotions tied to our past and present. Ten years later, that fear of abandonment still clings strong. “You promised you weren’t going to use me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Certainly feels that way.” I hastily close the clasps of my own shirt. “You’re hot then you’re cold, drawing close when it suits you and shoving me away when it doesn’t, like you just did. I’m afucking person, Becca. I’m just as much a part of this equation as you are. I’m not like everyone else; I won’t cater to your whims anymore.” Her endless entitlement sets my irritation aflame. The dormant torches of resentment light, guiding the harsh words out of me and burning the progress we’ve made to the ground behind me.

“I don’t understand what the problem is. You seemed more than happy with this arrangement just an hour ago.” Frustration strains her delicate features. “You’re the one who started all this.You’rethe one who soughtmeout.” What can only be described as a shriek escapes her, that iron fist she usually has on her polite composure slipping. “If it wasn’t for you meddling in my life, neither of us would even fucking be here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you insinuating that it’s my fault that I’m dead? Are you under some misguided impression that I wanted to be murdered, confined to this property, and then stuck here with a selfish, entitled, whiny little bitch?” My voice rises with each insult.

She stops pacing and marches toward me. “Trust me, I fucking regret it. If I could go back, I would rather have turned myself in than be frozen in time with nothing and no one but you. Every single day I wish I could go back and stop myself from slitting my wrists.” Her voice breaks. “I just wanted it all to stop. I would never have chosen to be here with someone who hates me when I could be with people who love me.”

This is the perfect opportunity to make her feel the sharp sting of rejection like I have. “I do hate you. I hate who you’ve turned me into. I hate what you’ve taken from me.” But as much as her actions have hurt me, there’s no denying how much I need her. “And most of all, I hate that part of me will always want you no matter how fucking terrible you treat me.” I want to swallow back the acidic vulnerability of that admission.

“What do you mean you want me? How can you want me?” Fingers tangling in her hair, she pulls at her roots. “Because you could have fucking fooled me, with how much of the blame you’re willing to force me to carry,” she hisses. Her anger flares and it lights her up. The spark ignites the trail of gasoline I’ve been pouring down the path and the blaze of it consumes her. She’s spectacular. The blue undertone of her eyes becomes brilliant like shooting stars, her body thrums with everything she’s not saying, and the energy she embodies is a live wire. She’s absolutely breathtaking.

In the cracks of the shattered mirror, I see little pieces of the real us tucked away. Not the imposters we’ve been playing, smiling at one another, trusting one another.Along the jagged edges of broken glass, we’re sharp eyes and bared teeth and digging nails. The unbridled chaos thriving there is dangerous, it always has been. The repressed part of me yearns to pry it open further until my fingertips bleed and we’re both painted in crimson, the color of our terrible truth—love, betrayal, death. But she’ll never allow it. Everything needs to be gold for her. I can see her squirming when she realizes how clearly I see her; her hands are eager to solder the exposed imperfections. The metallic substance is foaming from her mouth and bleeding from her eyes as she silently pleads with me not to go there.

But I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we could look past the fractures, allowing ourselves to remain focused on how good we look together in the pieces that remain unbroken. Is it selfish if I allow myself to play pretend just a little bit longer?

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