Page 28 of Warmer, Colder

“No thanks.”

A few minutes later, she returns and introduces me to Lacy. Her calm energy makes it easy to trust her with such an important task. And once we get the design and placement just right, I’m falling into the most relaxed state I’ve been in while she works despite how painful it is. Unlike everything else that’s been forced upon me these last few months,I’m choosing this.This isn’t like the bruises and scars they’ve left on me. Theirs will fade, eventually. This will stay with me forever and I couldn’t be happier about it.

“It’s perfect,” I compliment the tattoo while I twist and turn admiring the immaculate linework and dotwork shading that create a formidable yet breathtaking head of Medusa. I see myself there in the open-mouthed scream and withering stare. There’s a newfound comfort in the way the snakes wind up and around my midsection, guarding my body, from those who intend to harm it.

30 Days till Death

My bedroom crashes into view as I tumble through the window, my knees hitting the floor with a thud. Throbbing aftershocks shoot pain up my shins, but I freeze and bite my tongue against the grunt of agony that wants to break free. My phone lights up, illuminating the otherwise dark space around me. I squint down at the screen, attempting to force the blob of text into something legible.

Aiden:You okay?

Two little words. They could remain insignificant,casual,or they could become two of the most important ones of my life. Only partially functioning, my intoxicated mind latches onto the lure, dragging the dulled rational part along behind it.

Aiden’s opened a door, offered me a way out. I could step through it, into the safety of his arms, into the support of my family, the warm light flickering from down there is so welcoming. But what’s beyond that? If I allow myself to go down that path, I know what comes next—humiliation, pity, failure, and then, worst of all, the truth. And of course,prison.Even if my parents got a great lawyer, one that cost way more than they could afford, one that would cost them this house, I’d still end up losing everything.They’dlose everything.

If I step back, let the door close for good—block all possibility of entry—then I just lose a little bit more of myself. Just one more piece. And then another and another as I ride this endless merry-go-round of blackmail and misery.

It’s the illusion of choice, I remind myself; there isn’t one to be made. The reasoning cuts me free from the dangerous detour.

Aiden:????

Aiden:If you don’t answer in three seconds I’m coming in there.

Me:I’m fine

Me:Just tripped sorry

Aiden:Yeah that window ledge can be a bit tricky in the dark

Teasing and laughter are the farthest fear from my mind with all this pain echoing through my body and churning of the poison in my gut. But I play along because I don’t want Aiden coming in here and trying to play the valiant brother. If he had the slightest idea that I was on the verge of vomiting and begging for a blackout so I could forget all about tonight—and the night before and the last five months—he’d be in here taking care of me in an instant. That’s the last thing I want, so I text back. Or, at least, I attempt to. My pulse pounds in my ears making it difficult to hear my own thoughts, let alone make sense of the blurry keyboard.

Me:Ha. Ha.Fuhv pff.

Aiden:Becca Marie, are you drunk?

Me:None of ur busnesd

Aiden:Hope you got into some trouble for once

Aiden:Let me know if you need anything

Me:Yup

My eyes sting as I drop the phone, getting the bright screen as far away from me as possible. Limp and unsteady, my legs are like Jello as I try to get some traction on the ground so I can stand. As my body sways, so does the contents of my stomach. Scrambling, I manage to make it to the trash can just in time. The violent retching loosens a hazy memory. Through blurry vision, I caught Meg’s eye at the worst time, just as Nate was whispering in my ear, his hand sliding down my back. Confusion was plain on her face, but it quickly shifted to accusation.So, even he’s better than me?

It hurt more than Nate’s fingers digging into my skin. The insinuation. The judgment. But I don’t have the energy to right things between us. There’s no sense, anyways. With more people close to me, the higher the risk of my secret getting out. It’s better this way, for both of us. My secrets will only worsen the digs my rejection has made to her self-esteem. As for mine? It’s already destroyed beyond recovery.He’s made sure of that.

My stomach rolls again with the mental image of fingers holding my shoulders down, while another set of hands pressed my wrists into the dirty sheets. Acid burns my nostrils, it’s even more unpleasant coming up, but that clear liquid in those tiny glasses had been the only thing keeping me from running. It didn’t hold the tears back, though.

It was the first time in months that I’d cried during. I’d endured so much,gritted my teeth through it, managed to send myself somewhere in the past. This time, though, I couldn’t do it. Not with Meg’s dangerous curiosity picking at my resolve, a hundred potentially disastrous scenarios running through my mind.

Dirt on my palms grates against the trash can as I clutch it tightly. A flash of me stumbling down the dirt road. Clumsy fingers fumble with the clasp of my short heels that are caked in mud. Frustration mounts as I struggle, and they morph from straps to fingers using a bruising grip to keep me from kicking. I struggle harder until the closure breaks off. Another piece of me chipped away. The other opens without a fuss and I allow myself a deep breath. The itch of sweat and dirt and who knows what else grates on my skin beneath the scraps of clothing.

The shower calls to me with the promise of relief—offering the hope of erasing the last traces of the night so it’s like it never happened—but when I catch a glimpse of myself, it’s clear that no amount of scrubbing or scorching my skin could restore my sense of self. Makeup streaks down my face, forced from myeyes as my body rejects the liquor I tried to drown it in. My straight hair gathers around my face in tangles, the knot at the back of my neck is going to be particularly difficult to deal with. Spilled drinks and who knows what else stains the front of my skirt.Worthless and disgusting.Before the words felt hollow and spiteful coming from people who hated me, but tonight they ring true.

There is no erasing the remnants of tonight, or anything that’s happened since June. My outside finally matches my insides.

“Becca,” a young girl’s voice whispers in my ear as I reach for the shower handle. Taken by surprise, I miss the nob and nearly fall on my face. Dread stiffens my neck as I look over my shoulder, but there’s no one there. There is, however, a gravitational pull that draws me toward the medicine cabinet. Something I can’t quite hear coaxing me forward.

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