Page 22 of Warmer, Colder

“What are we doing?” I ask through my panting breaths. “There’s no way we’re going to get away with this. Youmurderedsomeone, Nate.” My gaze flicks to her limp body; a mistake that sends the contents of my stomach tumbling again.

“Keep your goddamn voice down.” His shadow darkens the space around me. “Yes. We. Will.” He looms over me as I wipe my face with the bottom of my oversized sweatshirt. “I already told you, there’s nothing to worry about as long as you keep your fucking mouth shut.”

My stomach twists, but this time it isn’t undigested food and stomach acid, it’s a threat that comes up. “And if I don’t?”

With the gracefulness of the elite athlete that he is, Nate strikes out and catches me by the front of my hoodie. “Look who’s finally found a backbone.” His smile is razor sharp, cutting through any flimsy scrap of bravery I’d managed to scrape together. “It would be so fun to break it.” He leans closer, our noses practically touching, and peers straight into my soul. “You’re going to keep this fucking quiet because if you say a single word, if you so much as look in the direction of where we bury her after tonight, I’ll make every day of your freedom a living fucking hell and then I’ll make sure you go down with me.” Pain shoots from the center of my face as his hold tightens, forcing tears to spring from my eyes and my lip to wobble. “Not another fucking peep out of you or I swear to god, Becca, I’ll ruin your fucking life. It would only take me a few seconds to upload the video to the right sites. And poof, your grand plan goes up in flames.” He slyly reminds me of the threat he holds over me, the one that could not only ruin my reputation and humiliate me but jeopardize the opportunity for professional success that I’ve made a lifetime of sacrifices for. “If you think you’ve had it badup until this point, you have no idea what I’m capable of. What happens from here on out is on you.”

I grip his forearm, trying to prevent the cry of agony that’s trying to escape my trembling lips. “Okay. Okay.” I whisper my surrender so, so quietly that not even the dead can hear me.

“Don’t try me again or it’ll be my mission to make all of your worst fears come true before they take me away, and then we’ll both spend the rest of our lives rotting behind bars.” He finally releases me and stands to his full height. “Don’t throw everything away for some whore. Especially one you’re not even into.” He makes air quotes around the last four words, and I grit my teeth to hold back my defense.

Nate’s threats are never empty. Each syllable drips with violence and hatred that keeps me tethered to him, fulfilling his every whim. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll end up just like her if I don’t follow his exact instructions to the letter.

Contented by my submission, Nate continues dragging her. When he stops again, I watch in disbelief as he drops her body to the ground like she’s just a bag of garbage. There was never a day when I doubted whether Nate was a bad person or not—harassing and humiliating others has always been his specialty. My own rape and blackmail have even become routine at this point—but each new level of cruelty he shows truly shocks me. His movements are smooth, his hands steady as he rifles through the storage box we keep all the gardening tools in. His expression is flat, like he’s just going through the motions of some monotonous chore. He’s completely unmoved by the fact that he just killed some—wait…

“Wait!” I stumble to my feet, scrambling after him as I catch the brief flutter of her curled lashes. “Nate, wait. I think she’s alive. We don’t have to do this.” My voice elevates in pitch, deliriously giddy, foreign even to my own ears when it’s been sosomber for the last few months. “Look!” My eyes dry as I study her for any signs of movement.

“Is that your attempt at a joke? Because it’s not funny. Stick to what you’re good at, keeping your mouth shut and opening your legs,” he snaps. “Now get the fuck over here so we can get this done. Make me ask again, and I’ll fuck you in the dirt right next to her.”

Her lips twitch and a brittle croak emerges from her.

“No. Look!” It’s an effort to force words up my throat past the rising bile his words evoke, but I’m certain of what I saw.

Unamused, he looks down at her and then he drops the shovel he just pulled out. “Oh, shit. Ohshit, ohshit, ohshit,” he hisses frantically. He shoves his hand into his pocket and he whips it out with a flash of pink glitter under the glowing solar lights that line the yard.

Our eyes meet, mine going wide with horror. “Wait, don’t do—” My train of thought disconnects and melts into a puddle of pure fear as I watch blood pour from the slash he draws across her throat. My breaths come in short, disjointed pants that rattle uncomfortably through my chest. Blinking furiously, I try to right my vision, because surely, I can’t have just witnessed a murder. But no matter how much I wish this was some kind of hallucination, there she is bleeding out right in front of me. The need to comfort her in her final moments has me jolting forward, but I don’t get far before Nate’s fist snatches the hood of my sweatshirt and jerks me backward. Heat erupts at the base of my neck, pain racing down my spine, but I remain contorted at the awkward angle when the bloodied knife is placed against my throat.

Nate towers over me radiating fury. “Do not touch her.” His spit splatters across my face. “Grab a shovel and start digging, or I swear to god I’ll throw you down there with her. I have all weekend, I can easily get rid of you, too.”

My legs are the wooden ones of a marionette as I stand and take a shovel from him. I follow his lead and impale the ground. It doesn’t take long for the cramping to start. Soon after, the soft skin on my fingers begins to burn and peel. I don’t even think about stopping, not when my arms begin protesting, and not when my knees begin to wobble. Not even when my eyes start to droop. I dig and dig in silence next to my rapist, a murderer, a fucking monster if I ever met one. What does that make me, though? If he’s a monster and I’m dutifully helping him, does that make me one, too?

I’m shaken by my thoughts when Nate’s phone camera shutters as loud as gunfire in the silent night.

“What the hell are you doing?” Panic flares within me.

“Consider it insurance, Princess. Wouldn’t want that moral compass to kick in while I’m gone.” He drops his shovel, then aims his camera at me again, catching me in yet another vulnerable moment to add to his collection, right along with the one that got me under his thumb in the first place. The footage of me whimpering and moaning as multiple faceless men take their turns with me replays in my mind for the thousandth time. The humiliating video prevents me from fighting back and his violent hands hold me prisoner. I might not be in the ground, but I’m still trapped.

“You can’t just leave me with this.” The layered anger at my compounding circumstances is clear in my voice.

Nate raises his brow in a warning that sends a chill down my spine. I shut my mouth and resume my digging. Pleased with the effect he has on me, he continues. “I need to get rid of her car.”

“How are you even going to get back after you get rid of her car?”

“Aww, don’t worry that pretty little head. I have a plan.” He taps his temple. “I’ll be back before you know it.” He begins to leave, but turns back unexpectedly, his hand gripping the backof my neck painfully, “Oh, and Becca, don’t do anything rash. Mkay?” His hold tightens further. “Just keep your head down and keep digging.” He gives me a hard shove that sends me crashing to my knees. Instead of shooting a glare at him, I keep my eyes pinned to the puddle of red that stains the grass in front of me.I’ll need to hose this whole area down.I make a callous mental note.

When I hear the engine humming to life, I crawl over to her body. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so, so sorry...” Without a name to attach to it, my apology falls weak and empty. The least I can do is restore some fragment of her dignity. With a shaking hand, I brush the tangles of hair away from her face. Next, I take the hem of her skirt and tug at the edges, straightening it so she’s no longer exposed. In the process, my knuckle grazes her skin, the coolness catching me by surprise and causing me to flinch away. Shame burns me at the lack of humanity.

I should say a few words for her, but what do you say to someone when you don’t know anything about them but the precise weight of their eyes on you…and the taste of their lips, the melodic rhythm of their pulse, and the soft lingering scent of rose that clings to the shitty princess dress I still haven’t thrown away like I swore to myself I would. I’ve tried so hard to forget about her and yet, now I’m certain that she’ll live on in my memory. She wasn’t the kind of woman to be erased so easily.

“You deserved better. If there’s an afterlife, I hope you find some peace.” It’s all I’ve got and it’s pathetic. I want to vomit again, but there’s nothing left in me besides my self-loathing.

Returning to the hole and picking up my shovel, I defy the urge to run. There’s nowhere to run; he owns me. I’m absolutely fucked by those pictures he snapped of me. With each scoop of dirt, time loses its grip on me. It’s just the sinking of the shovel and the ever-growing hole. When Nate returns, we fall in sync,maintaining a morbid rhythm until we finally create something big enough to fit a body and then some.

“Stop. Okay, now help me grab her,” Nate commands between heavy breaths. He’s in amazing shape, but even someone with a lifetime athletic career would feel the wear of the work we just put in.

Hesitantly, I grip a cold, lifeless ankle in each hand and help him lower her into the makeshift grave. We can’t reach the bottom, so we have to drop her the rest of the way. I wince at the thump, looking anywhere but at her beautiful face that Nate’s already starting to cover with dirt. As her body is covered inch by inch, I keep my eyes on the thorny rose tattoo that wraps around her arm. It’s beautiful like she is—was. Bile rises in my throat as I remember the way her soft body felt against mine, the way her tongue provoked me, the way she seemed eager to light a fire inside me. I wish I’d let her, maybe it would have saved us both. Maybe we never would have ended up here.

I turn my frustration on Nate. “They’re going to notice a huge pile of disturbed dirt in the yard.”

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