Page 49 of Forgiving Fate

Refusing to let my mind take over, I stand and start pacing in front of the fire. Another cool breeze whips through the air, not distracting me but reminding me that my days of running to clear my mind are dwindling fast.

The idea of being stuck in the cabin for months scares me. I won’t have anywhere to go to escape my mind. The only personI’ve seen in the weeks since I’ve been here besides the mission is Landon.

He has been checking in every day or every other day. I’m not sure if he is just trying to be nice or if he is doing it for himself. I’m not blind. I can see something going on behind those ocean blue eyes.

As much as I hate to admit that I can’t fight this alone and be the brave, strong woman I once was, some days, being alone is so deafening that I can’t take it anymore. No matter what I do, I can’t silence the voices or memories. Just as I reach the point where I feel like my entire body is going to collapse, I do the one thing I said I would never do. I text Landon.

For some odd reason, Landon sitting in the same room fills the silence, even if he doesn’t say a single word. We just sit here or by the fire pit. We don’t talk. He doesn’t ask why I called and I don’t ask him why his hands are shaking so badly that he has to sit on them.

A better person would ask him if he was okay, but right now, I am not that person.

He stays for hours and only leaves when I fall asleep or I ask him to go. Sometimes it’s hours and sometimes it’s just a few minutes. And some days when the rain is relentless, we go for a drive.

Every time he leaves, I swear it’s the last time I will call him. I want to believe that I am strong enough to make it through this on my own, but that is simply not how the game of fate is playing out.

So here I am again, doing something I’ve told myself repeatedly not to do.

Pulling out my phone, I tap on his contact, careful to avoid any of the unread texts and hundreds of social media notifications.

Allie: *stop sign*

That has been our way of communication. It may seem juvenile, but how else are you supposed to convey how dark your mind is wandering to a stranger? One who has turned into an odd sense of comfort and safety in the darkest moments. I am too afraid to speak out loud. Because the second you do, all the pain you are feeling goes from some messed up internal monologue to something real and raw that you cannot take back.

Landon: 5.

Sitting back in my chair, I rest my feet on the edge of the rocks surrounding the metal firepit, curl the blanket tighter around me, and wait for the sound of his tires crunching on the gravel.

What feels like seconds later, the telltale sign of his truck coming up the driveway sounds behind me. His door shutting echos throughout the property and I don’t meet his eyes as he approaches the fire pit, sitting down in a chair opposite me.

We sit in silence, the only sound being the crackling fire floating through the crisp, almost winter air.

Time passes and I risk looking up at him. The fire illuminates his face and I can tell he is in some faraway place. His eyes are glassy and his hands are gripping his jean covered thighs.

Some days I am so stuck inside my own head I barely notice he is here, but today, despite the never ending pain inside me, I see him. I don’t know what is going on in that mind of his, but today he isn’t hiding behind the mask like he usually does. I want to ask him if he is okay. The guilt of knowing I called him over here, so I wasn’t alone in my grief when he was clearly battling something of his own screams at me to stop being selfish. But the words are in some faraway land, so I do the only thing I can think of.

I search for the way to find the words, but I hesitate. I have no idea what is going on with him and everything in me is telling meto be on guard and to never trust another man for as long as I live. But Landon hasn’t once given me a reason to believe I can’t.

Stop being selfish and help him.

This is a trap. Don’t do it.

I fight the invisible battle inside my head while watching Landon, so lost in his mind, he doesn’t even notice me staring.

A cool breeze whips through the air and it causes us to both react, sending shivers across both our bodies.

Taking that as a sign, I lean forward. “Landon.”

His head whips up at my voice and I can almost see his mask slipping back into place as he rubs his hands on his jeans and shakes his head.

Landon’s deep blues search mine and I stand. “Can I show you something?”

His eyebrows raise in confusion, but he nods, walks around the pit, to hand me the keys and I shake my head.

“We aren’t leaving.”

He gives me another confused look, but nods again and holds his finger up, asking me to wait. I nod and he walks over to grab the hose attached to the side of the house. And when he returns, I step back and watch as he extinguishes the flames and places the cover back on the pit.

When he’s all done, he faces me and I tilt my head, signaling for him to follow me.

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