Page 78 of Forgiving Fate

His storm filled eyes stare deep into my soul and I know I need to give him a chance because if the situation were reversed, I would beg for a chance to do the same.

“Please Al. Just let me explain. I will tell you everything. I promise. And you know I don’t break my promises.” Landon pleads.

Tipping my head back, I stare up at the ceiling and take a deep breath.

I can do this. He isn’t going to hurt me. He is not going to hurt me.

Before I even realize it, I am nodding my head and when I return my gaze to him, I see his body visibly relax.

Landon opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him. “Before you start, we need to take care of this. Because you already ruined my bed with your blood and I’d rather not stand here all night holding a towel to your back. But then we can talk.”

He nods his head in agreement, and I move my hand from his back. I make my way to the bathroom to grab the first aid kit because I know he isn’t going to let me take him to the hospital.

Taking the kit out of the cabinet, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And this time I allow myself to look. My eyes go straight to my blood-stained hands. My under-eyes are almost black and I look like I haven’t seen the light of day in weeks. I desperately want to jump in the shower and clean my hands off. But I can’t. I need to help him. I rifle through the kit to see if I have everything I need when I hear Landon’s voice. “Hey Al.”

“Yeah?”

“Nice arm.”

I peek out of the bathroom, confused, and see him looking in the standing mirror in the corner of the room. His body is facing me and he is checking over his shoulder to look at the wound.

Dried blood coats his chest and down his back. “It’s going to be a nasty scar.” He meets my gaze through the mirror and continues, “But I can say I got it from a badass chick that jumped on me like a tiger protecting what’s theirs. It’s a better story than any of my other scars.” A small laugh escapes him and it must be infectious because I find myself doing the same.

Shaking my head, I roll my eyes, “Yeah. Well next time, maybe…I don’t know, call a girl before coming in her house at two am and maybeee then you won’t experience the wrath of my knife.” I watch his face drop, but I flash him a smile and see his body relax before I turn back to grab the first aid kit.

One hour and countless stitches later, Landon and I sit down on the couch. He shifts nervously in his seat and I know heis struggling with words on how to explain what the hell just happened.

Grabbing a blanket from the basket, I toss him one since he is only in a short sleeve that he got from his truck. The fire went out hours ago with the snowstorm still hanging on. I haven’t ventured outside to chop more wood, so we are left to the heater which has seen better days.

Not wanting to overwhelm him, I look out the window and stare at the snow coming down.

I stabbed Landon. I freaking stabbed Landon Hayes. What is wrong with me? Who am I?

Landon’s voice snaps me out of my head, and I turn to look at him. “I just want to say that I am really sorry. Please understand that I am not mad at you at all. I deserved it. It never should have happened and I will forever be sorry.” His robotic voice is back and I snap.

Sitting up and pulling a blanket over me to hide my shaking hands, I level my gaze with his and say, “I appreciate that. And you’re right, you did deserve it. But if I am going to understand it, do not talk to me like you have a robot arm shoved up your ass. If you want me to forgive you? Then you need to speak from your heart and take the mask off. We have been sitting for months without asking questions, but now is the time to talk. And I know I have my problems, but it’s pretty obvious what mine are, but you are a master at hiding yours. Which is fine because you may not know the true root of what is causing the never ending storms in your mind, but if you want me to continue to let you in my house, in my personal space, behind my walls, you need to start talking. I could have killed you. So the next words that come out of your mouth better be raw and honest truth. Or I will kick you out.”

His eyes grow wide and I don’t blame him. I am shocked by my own words. Before my life turned upside down, I was whatone would call strong willed and not one to back down from a challenge. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind, but that all changed withhim. He took my confidence and knowledge that my wordsdohave power. I haven’t felt that sense of empowerment in months…until just now.

Maybe it’s because I want to try to help Landon the best way I can after all he has unknowingly done for me.

Landon tilts his head back and scrubs his hands down his face and I swear I hear him mutter, “Fuck,” under his breath.

I watch in silence as he struggles to find the words to explain tonight’s events and possibly the last few years of his life.

Landon finally meets my gaze, and his eyes are bloodshot, and tears are welling in his eyes. “Dammit Allie. I have no idea what to say.”

“Just start talking. Even it doesn’t make sense. I will piece it together, but you need to give me something because everything in me wants to get in my car and go back to Alabama. And that is the last thing I want to do right now because this place is growing on me.”

He nods, and I watch every emotion run across his face in a matter of seconds.

“It started three years ago. I lost a set of twin adult sisters and it was terrible. What I saw was the most horrific scene I had ever seen. Wes and I were the only ones on that call and I’m happy. Because Noah and Gray could never handle that.

“I came home, and we both took a week off. The first few days were awful, and I didn’t sleep, so I got drunk one night to make myself forget. Which wasn’t the first time, but this time was different. The next day, I woke up, and the pain was still there. So I did it again. And again. And it became a routine after a bad mission. The alcohol numbs the pain and makes me forget for a brief moment that I failed not only the victim, but their families and myself.”

Tears well in my eyes as his own fall rapidly down his face.

“It started as situational, but then as time went on, the memories of their faces started haunting me day in and day out until I was having to do something to take the pain away just to function. I tried every other method, but nothing silenced the voices in my head like the liquid death did. Now here we are years later. The pain is still there and now I live at the mercy of something that could kill me at any second.”

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