Page 62 of Forgiving Fate

Panic starts to rise in my chest as assumptions run rampant in my head.

Not now Allie. He will not hurt you. You are safe. Focus on you.

My hand drifts to the door and I roll down the window, inhaling the crisp winter air, attempting to calm the panic that is trying to overtake me.

I am lost in daze, staring out the windshield when movement catches my eye and I watch as he pops a piece of gum in his mouth and rubs his hands on his jean covered thighs. The muscles in his neck tick and his hands ball into a fist in his lap before he unfurls them and wipes them on his pants.

My mind is filled with everything under the sun and I mentally kick myself for missing the signs staring me in the face every time we were together.

Not wanting to start a conversation neither of us are ready for and wanting to get out of this situation as fast as possible, I buckle my seatbelt but just as I am about to reverse out of the driveway, Landon reaches over and turns up the heater.

Landon must feel me staring because his head snaps to me. “Sorry. I just didn’t want you to get cold with the window down. The mountain air works wonders for clearing one’s mind, but you—uh…sorry.” His voice trails off and he turns to look out the window.

Unsure what to do or say, I mutter, “Thank you.” And with that, I make my way towards to the road.

Trees covered in snow weighing down their branches line both sides of the road. The fresh snow from this morning blankets the sides of the roads and in the breaks of the trees where the sun can shine through, the light causes the snow to almost sparkle. I take it slow because getting in a wreck from a patch of black ice would just add to this already shitty day.

Everything in me wishes I wasn’t broken beyond repair so that I could revel in the beauty before me. And help the man sitting silently next to me, but because of themonsterwho shall not be named, I can’t.

The car comes to a stop with a slight slip on the ice at the stop sign that borders the entrance into downtown Cliff Haven. Without having to ask, Landon speaks up.

“Take a left and your first right. Be careful, the back parking lot of The Handle is there and your car will get stuck, so make sure you turn on the street, not the parking lot. It’s hard to tell with the snow and slush. Then the doc’s office is on the left. It shares a lot with the vet and Dr. K has a giant Pitbull statue out front, so you can’t miss it.” His voice is soft with only a hint of his robotic self and for some odd reason, I find myself happy that he’s dropping his facade that he shows everyone else.

Following Landon’s directions, I send up an omen that this place is open because the drive to Seattle will be excruciating.

For once, luck is on my side and I breathe a sigh of relief when I pull into the lot to see the lights on. There is one car in the lot and I really hope that they are at the vet or it’s a nurse, so I don’t have to sit in the waiting room for long. The pain in my hand is becoming unbearable, which is saying something since I have felt nothing but numbness for months.

Turning off the car, I open my door and take a moment to gather myself. Tear prick my eyes as the pain seems to take over my entire body and the weight of what happened in the kitchen rips through me. I squeeze my eyes shut and lean my head against the wheel.

Panic rises in my chest and I feel the weight of the world suffocating me. My chest tightens and all I want to do is scream. But I can’t because I know there will already be questions from the doctor and I do not want him thinking I need to be sent for a psych evaluation.

Come on Allie. Get your shit together.

A freezing blast of cool air whips around me, sending chills over my entire body. Tears threaten to fall and I beg them not to.

Suddenly, a weight is on the hand that is resting in my lap and my head whips up to see Landon crouched down at the door. My eyes dart to my lap and see his pinky running up and down mine.

My chest heaves as I allow the emotion to take over for just a moment. Landon’s pinky doesn’t stop, and I focus on his touch to help bring me back. And once my breathing slows, I risk looking at Landon. Our eyes meet and I stare into his storm filled eyes. I can see the war raging just like the one inside of me. Tears fill my eyes once more at the thought of two very broken souls attempting to keep an unspoken agreement to help each other on the darkest days despite not knowing a why.

My heart aches at the thoughts of our combined pain taking over, but then a small smile spreads across Landon’s scruff covered face. And for some odd reason, his infectious smile finds its way to mine and without thinking, I loop my pinky with his.

My head rests on the steering wheel and my eyes stay locked with Landon’s. We sit there for a moment and I let the rest of the world fall away. I let the pain fade into the distance and focus on the man who was a stranger a few weeks ago and has become a very unusual definition of a friend. And I’m not even sure ‘friend’ is what I would call him. Because what do you call the person who is the brother-in-law to the person who changed your life but is now the silence in your world full of chaos?

Minutes pass and the sound of a door shutting breaks us out of our trance. Landon’s head snaps to the side, not letting go of my pinky, and I lean forward to see where the noise came from.

A blonde woman with a golden retriever is walking toward the only other car in the lot. The pup sees us, barks, and makes a break for us, catching their owner off guard and causing her to drop the leash. The pup runs right over to Landon and jumps on him, causing him to lose his grip on me and fall back on his butt to the ground.

“Maggie, no! Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I–” the woman says, running over to us but stops in her tracks when she catches a glimpse of Landon, who is getting kiss attacks from the adorable pup.

“Landon?” the woman asks, her eyes darting between me and Landon.

Landon moves the pup, who we now know as Maggie, and wipes his hand down his face to clear the dog slobber, but keeping a grip on Maggie’s leash. “I thought I recognized this fluff ball. Hey Lainey.” Maggie goes to attack Landon again, and a laugh escapes him as he pets her. “Hi to you too Mags.”

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! Maggie, leave the poor man alone,” Lainey says, while attempting to peel the dog away from Landon. Maggie finally settles and Landon stands and attempts to knock off the slush caked on the back of his pants. When he gives up at the thought of his now very wet jeans, he angles himself to me while adjusting his beanie back on his head.

“Lainey. This is Allie. Allie, this is Lainey. I went to the police academy with her cousin, Lachlan. He ran some missions while we were coming back from New York. And he runs his own version of what we do up in Park Ridge.”

I nod and move to get out of the car when a wave of dizziness overtakes me, causing me to be a little unsteady on my feet. My eyes flutter and I feel hands land on my shoulders, steading me. A wave of nausea hits me out of nowhere, and I close my eyes for a brief moment to push the urge to toss the contents of my stomach in front of everyone.

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