Page 148 of Forgiving Fate

My body shakes asthe tears cascade down my face and they won’t stop, no matter how much I beg.

Allie shifts and I cling to her, not wanting to let her go. Her hand pushes against my shoulder so I sit up and I watch, confused, as she climbs onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. My head falls to her shoulder and the tears come faster. My arms wrap around her waist, pulling her tightly against my chest.

I need her. I need my lifeline.

I have been sober for over 200 days and today feels like day one all over again. The fire burns in my veins and all I want to do is run to the closest liquor store, but I can’t. I need to be better for this beautiful girl sitting in my lap. I need to be better for myself.

Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just get over this stupid illness and not be some broken piece of shit?

I am so pissed. Everything has been fine, and then today I wake up and my throat is on fire. I felt like I swallowed a branding iron and the only cure was a bottle of whiskey…or two.

My therapist in rehab said to expect setbacks, but I never thought they would feel like I was completely starting over. Or that I failed.

And that is the root of all of this. Failure. In every aspect of my life, I have failed in some way and I am sick of it.

I fail every time I don’t reach a victim in time. I fail when my brothers get hurt on a mission because I didn’t prepare them enough to expect a fight. I’ve been failing Allie every day since I’ve met her because my own inhibitions pulled me away from the moments I should have been focused on her.

For fuck’s sake, she almost died because I was an idiot and broke the one promise she asked me not to. If I would have kept my mouth shut and just let her help me to bed, she wouldn’t have ended up alone.

The girl I’ve felt an indescribable, magnetic love for almost died because I was too far gone inside my head to see she was at her breaking point.

When I woke up with fire in my throat, ice in my veins, all I saw was my best friend seconds from leaving me forever over and over.

Even as I opened my eyes and saw her right next to me, cuddled up against my side with my pinky looped with hers, our hands resting on my chest, I still felt the pain as if she was actually gone.

Tears continue to fall and I hold on to her tighter, as if she is seconds from flying away. She doesn’t say anything and runs her hands through the hair at the base of my neck.

Minutes tick by and the tears still fall, even though I have begged them to stop countless times.

My hands shake, the voices scream in my head and my entire body feels like it’s eating itself.

I need a drink.

No, I don’t!

Allie leans back, cupping my face with both of her hands, and tilts my face to look up at her. Her thumbs swipe at the tears and she places a gentle kiss beneath both of my eyes. “My beautiful storm. You are so incredibly strong.”

Her voice is soft and full of everything but pity. I know in my gut this girl is my other half. Just being near her calms every fire inside of me. Even through all my failures, including my biggest one of letting her down, she is still my proudest moment.

“Let me be your safe space. Let it all out and don’t hold back. No matter what you say, I will always be here. We didn’t fight tooth and nail to get to the end of that long, dark tunnel to turn around one step before reaching the end. We will get through this together. I promise.”

Allie never says anything she doesn’t mean, especially when it comes to speaking the hard truths.

I can do this. Let her be your life raft.

Sighing and burying my face in her neck, I finally let go of everything I’ve been holding in for way too long. “It hurts so bad. No matter what I do, the pain won’t go away. I just want it to stop. And the only way to do that makes me feel disgusting and like I failed not only myself but you.

“I have been doing so good since I came back from Park Ridge, but this morning I woke up and it was like I was back at day one. The fire was burning hotter than it ever has and the voices inside my head were screaming at me to just take a damn drink. And then, like some sick and twisted joke, I was stuck in an endless, never-ending movie getting to the cabin seconds too late.”

Sobs rack my body as I lift my face and stare into Allie’s tear-filled eyes. Hugging her close to my chest, I say, “I am so sorry,Bluebird. I should have been with you that day. I knew you were struggling, and I was so wrapped up in my own twisted desires, I messed everything up. You say so much with so little words and I should have seen it.”

Allie shakes her head, tears flowing from her beautiful light blue eyes, and I stop her.

“Please don’t say it wasn’t my fault. Because no matter what you say, I will never forgive myself for almost losing you. You have no idea how much you have unknowingly worked your way inside my cold, dead heart, and the thought of losing you hurts me more than anything ever has.

“Somehow over the past year you went from being a complete stranger who I met at the height of my addiction to my best friend. That day at the cabin, I didn’t know if the love I felt was just because you were my best friend or if I truly found the other piece of my broken soul. But the moment I read your first letter, it clicked.

“I love you so much, Allison Evans, but feeling like I was letting down the person I look up to most in this world is sickening. Nothing in this cruel world will ever be worse than feeling like I am failing you.”

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