Page 143 of Forgiving Fate

Allie tightens her grip on my pinky and I take my little ounce of encouragement and say, “Sorry Noah, I should have sat you down and told you. I probably should have talked to all of you, but life has been a little insane lately. And I’ve been a little…distracted.” I poke Allie in the side, and she jumps and shakes her head.

“It’s okay Lan. I just don’t want to cross a line, but I’m a little stuck when it comes to the bar.”

“You have the right to be. I should have said something instead of leaving you feeling like you were walking on eggshells or that no one could drink in front of me. Sorry, guys.”

Everyone nods and I take a deep breath, summoning all the strength to say the words that I have only said to my Bluebird, my parents, and therapist.

“I am an addict, but not in the stereotypical way that everyone thinks. My addiction came from placing an enormous amount of pressure on myself that was so heavy I couldn’t breathe. The only way I could forget it was to drink. Every second of the day that I spent here was a second that someone else was living at the hands of their captor. Whiskey made me forget for a moment.

“I didn’t know how to let myself off the hook or how to not blame myself for every death or unsolved case, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. Drink. I knew the entire time Ihad a problem and that I should stop, but then the next failure happened and it was just easier to drink than talk it out. Because if I broke down, who would be there to pick up the pieces in my absence?”

I pause and swallow the lump in my throat and focus on Allie’s pinky gripped in mine.

“I never needed the whiskey to begin with. I just needed to learn a better way to cope and understand how to not internalize everything. I was so focused on helping others that I never realized I was killing myself. Now I know I cannot help others if my mind isn’t clear.

“A very wise woman along with a very good therapist explained to me that the insecurities and those who are afraid to be vulnerable, create the stigma surrounding mental health in men. And once my mind was clear of the alcohol and I learned how to cope without it, I found I never truly needed it in the first place. I just needed to hit rock bottom to see it never was the whiskey. It was me not knowing how to ask for help and talk through things instead of internalizing every missed step.

“Sometimes people aren’t able to be saved, but that doesn’t mean I did something wrong. I built a team that knows how to stand on their own and now I need to trust them to do so. I know I got short or what Allie calls Robotic, and for that I’m sorry. I appreciate all of you and will continue every day to work on myself to be a better brother, son, and partner.”

Allie kisses the side of my cheek and swipes away a tear I didn’t know had fallen.

Turning my focus to Noah, I see tears streaming down his face. “So no. You will never trigger me. The safe space you’ve built will never be a place I will avoid. I may not drink most of what you serve, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come inside and be with the people I love.” Pausing, I look around at everyone else. Leo is subtly trying to swipe a tear away, Lainey is avoiding my gaze,Logan is swiping a tear off Grayson’s face, Harper is looking up to the sky, her cheeks red, Wes is staring at me with a smile on his face, and Mom and Dad are staring at me with proud smiles on their faces.

“Don’t hide your drinks. Don’t be afraid to drink in front of me. If I am having an off day, I will tell you, take a day trip with my girl, ask for help, or call my therapist. Don’t stop doing things you enjoy because it was once my silent killer. My demons are not yours.”

Allie turns around and wraps her arms around my neck and whispers in my ear, “I am so proud of you, Storm.”

She leans back and swipes her thumb across my face. Allie’s light blues shine with unshed tears. She stares into my soul as a smile slowly spreads across her face. The words I desperately want to say are right there, but I refuse to say them right now.

“Thank you, Bluebird.”

I don’t realize how loud I say the words until Noah’s voice breaks the silence amongst the crowd.

“Why does everyone get a cute ass nickname and I don’t? C’mon, first Angel and Bear, now Bluebird! That is the cutest freaking thing ever!”

Everyone laughs, and chatter fills the air.

No one needs to say anything back right now because words don’t always convey true meaning. It’s the actions that follow a promise that will leave a lasting impact and I know without a shadow of a doubt, this group of people will be my rock on the days I can barely stand. Especially this girl in my arms.

Chapter Fifty-Two

Allie

As soon as wewalk into the bar, Lainey jumps up from her stool, throws her hands up and says, “About damn time you got here!”

Harper shakes her head and stands beside her. “She’s had a few shots already, rough day at school.”

Lainey skips towards us, her cardigan flying out to her sides, and wraps me in a hug. “Hi Lainey.”

“Hi Al! Sorry. I’m a hugger, you’ll get used to it. Harper did,” Lainey says, before moving to hug Lo as Harper and Leo join us.

“Hey Allie. I didn’t get a chance to say this at Thanksgiving and know now that I do not get sappy, but I am really happy you and Lo worked things out. You had an uphill battle and I don’t know if I could have been as brave as you.”

I stare at her for a moment, shocked. “Thanks Harper. I’m glad Lo has you.”

Harper tosses her arm around my shoulder and whispers, “We are happy to have you. All of us. We may have just met, but anyone important to Lo is important to me.”

“Same to you Harper. Thank you. It means the world.”

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