Page 128 of Forgiving Fate

“Soon sweetheart,” I mutter against her neck, and her hands grip the counter.

Taking a step back, I smack her ass and make my way around the counter to my stool and watch as she looks up to the ceiling to collect herself. I can’t help but smirk as I take a bite of pizza.

“You’re evil.” Her light blues glaring daggers at me.

Shrugging my shoulders, I wink and pull her stool out for her.

After our stomachs are full, we move to the couch to watch a movie. Allie sits opposite of me with her feet tucked in my lap.

“Hey Lan.”

“Yeah?”

“I know we said not to do this, but I feel like I need to say it.”

My spine straightens, and I click mute on the remote, nodding at her to continue.

“I want to apologize for that day at the cabin. I know how I felt in that moment and I can’t imagine what you felt watching it. I just want to say, in person, that it was never your fault. I was on a trajectory that only ended in destruction and if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have gotten a second chance. So thank you.”

Her face morphs into a hint of sadness, and I can’t have that. Grabbing her hand, I say, “Allie. I need you to really listen to me as I say this. Never apologize for breaking down. You went through something most would never come back from. You possess a strength inside of you that is rare. Our minds have a way of tricking us to believe that when we are at our lowest, that means we are weak. When it’s entirely the opposite. If I have learned anything while I was away, it’s that we are strongest when we are at our lowest, and the climb back from rock bottom proves that.

“I did not save you Allie. You saved yourself. My brother and I may have been the one that prevented you from driving that shard of glass into your neck, but you are the one that fought the long, hard battle to the end of that dark tunnel.”

Raven climbs into Allie’s lap, nudging her face as Allie’s glassy eyes stare back at me.

Allowing her to gather her thoughts, I run my hand back and forth over her feet as Shadow sleeps soundly in my lap.

“You still have the ability to leave me speechless and I don’t know if I should be mad at you or accept that this is my life from now on, but thank you. You didn’t have to say of that, but I have to admit it feels amazing to hear.”

I am about to interrupt her, but she stops me. “I want you to know that even though we were miles apart and had no idea what the future held for us, I knew you would make it to the other side and every letter that came proved exactly that. I wantyou to know how unbelievably proud I am of you. Six months ago, you were a shell of yourself. Now you are this man that isn’t shying away from the darkest parts of his mind. I can see it in the way you carry yourself day to day. You should be proud of yourself and who you are today, and if for a second you start to doubt yourself, tell me. Every day I will be here to remind you that even on days where you can’t see beyond the rain and clouds, I will be your shelter from the storm.”

Fuck. My head tilts up to the ceiling as my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. I like to think all this time I knew she was my light, but this moment confirms it. Allison Paige Evans is my reminder that even on the hard days, the sun will come out and the voices will fade into the background. Most importantly, she is my light.

With that in mind, I focus back on my girl, just as she climbs into my lap.

“I need to tell you something, but I didn’t think I’d have the strength to say it out loud without a guideline, I wrote it down just in case.. Is that okay?”

Allie searches my face, nods, and I reach for my phone, pulling up the note I wrote to myself on my last day of rehab. The one I promised myself I would read to Allie one day when the time was right.

Before I begin, she kisses my cheek,“I’m proud of you, Storm.”

“Thank you Bluebird.” A faint smile spreads across her face before she turns, her back resting against my chest, and I begin reading a letter that I knew if fate was on our side. I would be reading to her as much more than a friend.

Dear Landon,

Today is your last day of rehab. Tomorrow you start your new life as a new man, one who is sober. One who is no longer allowing the voices inside his head to control him.

But before you leave, you need to make good on a promise that you made to yourself the day you walked in here. And that was, on the day that you left, you needed to admit why you were here and why you will never come back.

Write it down and when you feel confident in yourself and also the girl that refuses to leave your mind, read it out loud for you and her to hear.

I, Landon Parker Hayes, am an addict. I came here because I no longer could survive my mind without needing alcohol to make me forget. But I can say with confidence that although alcohol was the way I coped, it wasn’t the liquid that I was addicted to. It was the feeling of completely shutting off the voices inside my head that screamed every failure, every loss, every mistake all day.

Alcohol was never the addiction. It was the silence that I craved so deeply.

I still crave the silence, but I know now that alcohol is not the solution. Asking for help, talking to someone, or simply acknowledging that every failed mission is not my fault is the answer. I cannot save everyone and as sad as that may be, it is okay because I know I tried my hardest.

I know there will be hard days and ones where I will need to lean on others for support, but that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human.

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