Page 107 of Forgiving Fate

“I almost lost her. I’ve lost so many. I couldn’t save them. I can’t save myself. I just want to disappear. I just want to forget. The alcohol used to silence the voices, but now it doesn’t. They won’t shut up, no matter how much I drink. They won’t shut the hell up!” Tears fall down my face and mix with the blood pouring from my split lip and cheek.

“What are they saying?”

“That I failed. That it’s all my fault. That I am worthless and don’t deserve help or anything good. That I am a horrible person and should just stop trying.”

Wes stares down at me for a moment before crouching in front of me. I expect him to hit me again, but he doesn’t. “Those voices are inside your head. They are your insecurities screaming at you, telling you everything you already think about yourself daily.”

My eyes go wide and I know he’s right. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be, and I know that. I am not the man that deserves to be running a company that saves people that can’t help themselves. I am not the man that my parents and brothers would be proud of. I am not the man that deserves the title of best friend.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and forgot who Landon was and left in its place is a shell of a man who doesn’t even know who he is anymore.

“I–I don’t want to live like this anymore, Wes. I-I need help. Please.” My voice cracks as I stare into Wes’s eyes and beg for him to save me before another wave crashes over me and drags me under.

Wes looks up to the ceiling and when his eyes return to mine, they are glistening with unshed tears and he stands.

“Let’s go then,” he says, holding out a hand to help me stand.

I stand on shaky legs and follow him out of the shed.

Today I finally saw what rock bottom truly looked like. It’s as dark and miserable as I imagined, and I just hope I have the strength to climb back out.

#1

Mom, Dad, Grayson, Noah,Logan,

I want to first start off by apologizing. I should have done this in person and sat you all down to explain, but words often fail me and I know if I didn’t do it this way, I may never say them.

I am just going to rip the bandaid off.

For years, I have struggled with alcohol addiction. It started as a way to fall asleep after a hard mission, and now it is the only way I can get through the day.

I hid it for years because I thought I could stop whenever I wanted, but that clearly isn’t true.

Last year, I met someone who became my best friend. We shouldn’t have grown so close since we were both so close to the edge, but I don’t regret it for a second. If I didn’t have her, I don’t know if I would be sitting here writing to all of you. She showed me what strength looks like, but also that true pain is easily hidden when you become an expert at slipping on a mask.

I grew as a person while in her presence, but I also failed myself every day by not seeing that I was pretending myproblems didn’t exist when, in reality, they were waiting for the right second to push me over.

And they did. They won. I have hit rock bottom and this time I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to lie in all the failures and victims I didn’t reach in time. All the times I failed everyone I love and most recently the girl that has become my best friend.

I have lost countless lives, disappointed hundreds, and let down the people I care about most in this world because the liquid and voices in my head controlled me like a puppeteer in a sick and twisted play.

But I am done playing by their stupid game. I want to take control of my life and be the man that all of you would be proud to have in your life.

I am going away for a while. Wes knows the details and will update you when he sees fit.

I have made a lot of promises and only broken one, the only one that ever mattered, and despite that, I am here to declare a few more. They may be more for me, but I want you all to know them as well.

I promise to come back a better man. A man that can standalone and be happy with who he is at his core. A man that you can all be proud to call your family. A man that deserves the honor of being the head of a company saves lives. A man that his best friend will be happy to stand next to. Most importantly, I promise to be the man that knows how to live without liquid death running through his veins and listens to himself and not the voices in his head.

I promise to come back when I can see the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

I love you all.

I’m sorry for failing all of you. Especially you, Logan.

See you all soon,

Landon

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