Page 101 of Forgiving Fate

My chest constricts as all the pain I have been pushing away crushes me. The tears streaming from my eyes mix with the rain falling on my face.

I lay there and wait for it to pass because maybe now that I am finally letting myself feel everything I have been avoiding, I can start moving on and stop living in the darkness. But as the minutes tick by, the pain grows worse.

Sobs take over my body and I roll to my side, clutching my knees to my chest. My throat closes and my vision dances with black dots.

Memory after memory. Blow after blow. Hurt and more hurt, pile on top of me and I beg it to stop.

I beg for it to all go away because even though I let it all in, I cannot take this. I cannot handle this suffocating pain that is never ending. I am not strong enough to brave the storm. The constant waves of pain that keep crushing me are too strong. No matter how much I want to provehimwrong, my legs are tired from keeping my head above water.

I open my eyes and beg the skies above to take it all away. To take away an ounce so I can feel a tiny reprieve and find the strength to fight another day.

I lay there waiting for a sign, an omen, a break in the rain to tell me it will get better. I wait and wait as the rain continues to pour.

You cannot give up Allie. You have come so far. Don’t give up now, I whisper to myself.

And just as the words leave my mouth, thunder ripples so loud I cover my ears as the sky opens up, and the rain grows heavier.

Is this the sign I was hoping for?

I turn and freeze. The cabin erupts in flames and I stand back and watch as my home, for the last few months, lights up the night and starts to crumble.

My mind races and I don’t beg for the voices and the memories to silence. I let them consume me. I close my eyes and let everything finally seep deep into my bones and when I open them again, I look down and see the fire reflecting off a sharp piece of glass lying inches from my feet.

I bend down and pick it up before my mind catches up. It fits in my palm with a sharp end hanging over the edge and as I flip it over, my reflection shines back at me.

I see a broken girl with dark circles under her eyes from months of not sleeping. Quickly, I close my eyes because seeing this version of myself is almost as bad as seeing the former me. And when I open my eyes, I seehiseyes for a brief second before they morph back into mine.

Then it hits me.

No matter what I do,hewill always be with me. Even if years pass,hewill always be there.Hewill always haunt every moment of my life, even if I try to pushhismemory away.

A wave of acknowledgement and acceptance hits me all at once and the tears stop and so does the pain.

I look to the sky, and the rain slows. My parents’ smiles flash through my mind and it almost feels like I can feel them wrapping me in their arms.

“It will be okay.” Mom’s angelic voice fills my ears and I wait for the pain to encompass me, but it doesn’t.

Glancing down at the piece of glass in my hand again, I hear another voice. My father’s.

“We will always love you, honey.”

A smile spreads across my face, but quickly fades away when the next voice filters in.

“Good Job, Baby Doll. It’s all your fault they are gone.”Hisvoice sends shivers up my spine and my grip tightens on the glass, cutting into my hand.

I glance down at the blood and then at the growing fire. I watch in awe as the fire dances throughout the air despite the rain picking up again.

The world falls silent as I watch embers fly through the sky in slow motion.

BOOM!

Something inside the house explodes, and I don’t move an inch.

“Baby Dolllll.” Mike’s sing-song voice echoes in my head.

My eyes fill with tears as I clutch the glass tighter and raise my arm.

I just want the voices and the pain to stop. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live like this.

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