Page 3 of Ben

“Do you do this often?”

“Yes.”

His mother folded her hands in her lap, clasping them together, but he could see they were trembling.

He could see that she was trying to find the right words and thinking of every possibility that would cause him to want to inflict pain on himself. He watched as horror flashed on her face and knew that she’d concluded that he might have been troubled.

She then got down on her knees in front of him, taking his hands in hers.

“Ben, did someone trouble you? You can tell me, sweetheart.”

“No.”

Her gaze searched his, “Are you being threatened to not talk to me?”

“No, I was not troubled mom, I am not being bullied, just usual kid stuff at school.”

“Then, why do you hurt yourself? Please talk to me. You are my son, and I love you, and I am here for you no matter what.”

“Will you love me no matter what?”

“Yes.” She smiled gently at him.

He searched her face, recognizing that look of love he always saw there for him, and decided to talk to her and tell her the truth.

“Because I feel nothing inside, a lot of the time, I am just numb, and to feel anything at all, I find that inflicting pain helps.”

She pulled him closer, resting her forehead against him, surprising him. He thought she would be disgusted because he wasn’t perfect like Michael or Carter.

“Okay, in order for me to understand better and know how to be there for you, will you consider us going to see some doctors?”

He froze; she was going to send him away, and a feeling of panic and anger built in him because he would no longer get to see Diamond.

“No, I am not sending you anywhere, son.” She cupped his face in her hands, and he stared into eyes that were a beautiful blue color, seeing the sincerity of her words. “I don’t think you feel nothing; a mother knows her son. I just think there is so much going on in your brain that you shut down completely sometimes, or I could be wrong, but let us find out together. Remember, no matter what, I am your mother, and I will always love you. Trust me, please.”

His gaze searched hers, and then he nodded. He had dealt with this for so long on his own, and if they could figure him out, then maybe he could cope better or begin to develop emotion without having to inflict pain on himself.

After seeing specialists and counselors, it was determined he had a mild form of alexithymia. “Alexithymia refers to a difficulty in identifying, processing, and expressing one’s own emotions with appropriate language as well as differentiating those feelings from bodily sensations,” and he was rare because he hadn’t experienced any type of trauma or brain disorder. His mother had kept all of this to herself until she knew better what it was that he had, and even then, afterward, she kept his secret and helped him by being there and attending all his sessions with him. He was able to cope better now and didn’t resort toinflicting pain on himself and had been able to feel more, but he wasn’t completely cured and would never be.

At school, he found that he was gifted in mathematics and computers and had a knack for photography when his mother encouraged him to get into activities at the school to help him with his social skills. After seeing his work, the photography teacher asked him to volunteer as one of the photographers for the school newspaper and yearbook committee to take photos for them for the next couple of years until he graduated.

He could have become a photographer, but spending his life taking pictures of people and places didn’t interest him the way that coding and creating programs and software did.

Ben had a relapse when he found out that Diamond had gotten engaged. Chaotic emotion had poured through him, the predominant feelings being sorrow and rage. So, to quiet the storm, he had gotten his first piercing.

He was distracted from his thoughts when his phone rang, picking it up. “Ben Brooks here.”

He became engaged in answering questions from a potential client for his and Ambra’s hi-tech security firm, BenAm. Both he and Ambra had studied computer science with a concentration in cybersecurity, and after graduation had decided to open a small firm together with the intention of growing it. He was glad he was working closely with his best friend and that he would be getting to possibly see Diamond more.

But he didn’t have to worry about when and where he would see her because the biggest opportunity fell into his lap with the opening of his brother Carter’s newest hotel, with both he and Michael having a stake in it and helping him run it. Especially now that Carter had become a family man and wasmarried to Zahara and kept busy with his own twins and another baby on the way.

The opening of the hotel was a major event in New York, and for opening night they’d had a bachelor/bachelorette auction with proceeds going towards helping the homeless. It was a charity that Diamond was helping raise funds for, as her position with Hope Charity was director of fundraising.

The auction had been a success with a small incident that occurred when Ambra had raised her paddle, winning a date with his twin brother Michael. He had always known that one day the two of them would finally get together, and what he had walked in on when he went in search of them after Michael had dragged her out of her seat proved him right. They could no longer deny the chemistry and heat between them; they had been locked in a passionate kiss, and if he hadn’t walked in, his brother would have taken her on the ballroom floor. If it weren’t for their ridiculous penchant for denying what was clearly in front of them since the day they met, they would have been together years ago.

He would have left them except the Brooks brothers had to give their closing remarks and thank everyone who attended, so they were needed on stage, and Diamond was not pleased that they were marring her perfect night and everything she had done to organize and plan for this. She didn’t want anyone to take away from her hard work and the press exposure she needed for her charity.

Now Michael was busy on another adventure with Ambra. He’d follow her to Barbados once he discovered where it was that she’d run off to after they were at his family chalet in the Swiss Alps on the weekend date she had won in the charity. Working well with his plan and without interference from his brother and Ambra, because what he was about to do was illegal,sort of, and if found, he would pay a price, but it would be worth it if he finally got what he always wanted. He made sure that if anyone went digging, they would not discover what he had done and interfere with what he had in store for Diamond.

---