Page 86 of Survival

“Izzy?”

Crap.I winced, coming to a stop, and looked over at the porch where Chuck was watching me, still holding the paper he’d been reading. I waved, but it was only half-hearted.

He looked around. “Where’s Tucker?”

“Probably at the party.” The words caught in my throat at the end, and I swallowed, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

He set a concerned look on my face, but it took him a minute, the quiet man never good with emotions. “You okay?”

I nodded.

“Alright.” He turned around and went inside.

Releasing a breath of relief, I hurried across the street, doing my best to be quiet as I opened the door. I’d hoped sneaking up the stairs would be an option, but Mom was relaxing on the sofa, and she looked up when I came in.

One look at me and she was jumping up in alarm, her book falling from her lap to the floor. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” I croaked, shaking my head. Mom was the last person I wanted prying right now.

“Don’t lie,” she chastised, walking towards me. “Is it Tucker?”

I stepped back, my eyes closing as I shook my head in a single harsh jerk. “Mom, don’t… Not tonight, okay?” I somehow managed to plead. I couldn’t even swallow to control the tears this time.

Mom had her arms around me in a second. I stiffened, pulling away from her touch, but then something inside me caved in, and I clutched myself to her embrace.

“Okay, baby. Okay. I’m sorry,” Mom soothed. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ve got you. Just cry.”

And I did, my tears pouring down to soak her shoulder. Uncle Blake came in a few minutes later, but Mom shooed him away, pulling me over to the couch to hug me against her chest. My tears still didn’t stop, so much emotion and fear rolled through me. Terrified that I’d lost my rock. My forever.

I cried until my eyes ran dry, and when the tears finally stopped, I felt numb to the pain, but there was a safety and a comfort there in Mom’s arms I hadn’t felt in so long. I was reluctant to move. To leave.

She stroked my hair back as I adjusted to lay my head in her lap, drinking in the comfort I’d allow myself for the night. Knowing I had to find a way to forgive her. Because as hurt and as mad with her as I was, Imissedmy mom.

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed?” she suggested after a while, but I didn’t move, knowing the empty room that was waiting for me tonight. “Is Tucker coming?” Mom gently asked.

My throat grew tight. “I don’t know.” Pushing myself up, Mom squeezed my hand, and we exchanged a small smile.

“I’m here if you need me.”

I nodded and headed upstairs. But instead of going into the room I knew would be empty, I turned to the rightwhere my old bedroom was waiting for me, everything in it almost as if I’d never left.

Stepping into the bathroom, I showered, letting the hot steam work its way into my emotionally exhausted body. It felt good when I finally let my hair down, and I rubbed my fingers into my tender scalp. It was sore but also a good pain, relieving the tension my hairdo had caused.

I wished all things hurtful could be that way. That when pain was left behind, all someone had to do was massage it away. But most pain was emotional.

And I’ve only been making it worse for Tucker.The thought made me sick. I’d honestly thought he was doing okay, way better than I was, at least, but I’d been wrong.

I thought back to those last words Tucker said. All or none. He’d been serious about that ultimatum, and it shouldn’t have been too much to ask of me, to give himallof me. But even if I could find a way to do that, there wasn’t much of me left to give.

A large part of me was gone, a gaping hole left behind. It was all I could do to survive at this point.

But I’m so tired of just surviving.I want to live again.My chest ached in longing at the thought.

I just didn’t know how. Andthatwas the most frustrating part of it.

Tears built up behind my eyes once again, and I held them shut under the running water to wash away the few that escaped. I was like a dam in this way. My body held in all the sobs my soul still felt, and when outside forces threatened the fissures in my heart, bits of my hurt would leak out.

It would make sense if the water behind the dam would lessen with all the draining I allowed myself in private, butit felt fuller now than ever, and the cracks felt every bit of pressure. I wondered how long before the dam would burst. Surely, the pain of that would crush me. I couldn’t survive that. Especially without Tucker.

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