Page 93 of Survival

TUCKER

Once out of the water, we discovered our clothes were caked with wet sand. I’d been content to air dry, and while Izzy hadn’t seemed to mind it forme, she’d insisted on wearing something, making me walk behind her until she dug out that silk gown from earlier tonight from her bag that she’d left in my backseat.

Now, we were laying out on the blanket I kept in my truck, eating the mixture of fruit, yogurt, and chocolate she’d brought and staring up at the stars. The wooden storage box from her dad was at the corner near our feet.

I hadn’t asked her what was in it yet, but I knew it was important, knowing the significance of that last present Patrick had given her. We would have to talk soon, and, while I didn’t know how long it would take, I wanted plenty of time before the sun made an appearance. This was private. Between us and our baby girl.

“Princess?” I said after swallowing the strawberry I’d been eating.

“I know, whiskey. I know.” She sighed, sucking a bit of chocolate from her fingertips before sitting up.

She pulled the box in front of her, her hands resting at the detailed etchings along the lid. I sat up and placed a hand on her back. “You can do it. I promise. I’m right here with you.”

She shut her eyes, the hint of glistening tears in the corners. “It’s going to hurt so much, Tucker. What if I can’t take it? I don’t think I can stand it if another piece of me dies.”

My heart clenched, hating her pain. I took the box away from her, setting it in the sand. “You’re right. It’s going to hurt like hell, but we have to do this. For us and for Zoey. But if I’m right about what’s in that box, we don’t have to open it yet. I think it might be better if we talked first.”

Izzy looked down, her eyes lost. “I don’t know how to start. How do you start a conversation that you know means you’re letting go of your child? Even if you know holding on any longer will ruin you and the person you love?” she asked in despair.

“Tell me about the daycare. Help me understand.”

She looked up in surprise. “You’ve never wanted to know before.”

“Well, tonight it’s different. Tonight, we’re doing everything we should have done in the first place and then some. Tell me about it, Izzy. I need to understand.”

She nodded, and I watched her determination build before she scooted over to sit in my lap. My arms opened for her, and she leaned her back against my chest, settling in as I wrapped her in my embrace. If she needed comfort to do this, I would gladly give it to her.

She was silent at first, her fingers playing with the hem of her gown, and I waited, letting her think over what she needed to say. Her voice was soft when she finally began.

“When we lost her, my world crashed. A piece of my heart died when she did. It’s like this chunk that just sits stagnant in my chest. The rest of my heart beats but not like it used to. That part throbs and aches and tortures me.”

I gently squeezed her. Just hearing that made my own heart pound.

She squeezed my knee in comfort. “But when I’m at work… When I’m around all of those little ones…that ache slides away, and my heart feels whole for the few hours I’m there.”

She tilted her head back to look at me. “The only thing that soothes the ache when I’m not there is you. That’s why I need you when something really hits me. You’re like a balm to my frazzled nerves. The only thing that lets me breathe again.”

I gave her a bleak smile. “While that’s good to hear, that’s also the reason I get so upset with you. I feel like you go there knowing what kind of torture you’ll be putting yourself through later. Even if it helps for a few hours, you know the damage that’s coming. Then you expect me to help you ease this self-inflicted pain, like it doesn’ttortureme to see you that way. And while I love to ease your pain, did you ever think that maybe each time you go in, you might be scratching at a wound? Keeping it from healing? It’s like a knife to my chest every time, and all I can think is why do you keep doing this to me, tous? Can’t you see how much it hurts me, too? Because, Izzy, some days, it kills me.”

“Oh, God.” I could hear the way her throat clenched and pressed a kiss to her head.

“It’s okay. We’re talking. Tell me.”

She sucked in a breath. “I’ve been torturing you for months, and I couldn’t see it. I’m so, so sorry.”

“I hid it pretty well then, I guess.” I laid my head on top of hers, and a silent minute passed, both of us in thought.

“I won’t do that to you anymore, Tucker. I promise.”

“What do you mean?”

Izzy sighed. “I’m going to put my notice in at the daycare tomorrow, and I’ll ask Gemma if they can just work me in the toddler room for now. The after-effects are less on those days. I’ll find another way to cope.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

I couldn’t believe it was that easy.Maybe if I’d just talked to her more before…“Thank you.”

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