Page 10 of New Year

“I’m not giving him nothing,” she says, sounding indignant.

“Okay, so what does he get out of it?”

“He getsme,”she says, giving me a look like I’m being intentionally oblivious.

“Does Lindsey know you’re scheming to become part of her family?”

“Not scheming,” she says, rolling her eyes. “But if I rescue her cousin, and hehappensto fall in love with me… I mean, who’s to argue with the poor guy after such an ordeal? She wouldn’t stand in the way of true love.”

“Where is Lindsey, anyway?” I ask, glancing around. “If we’re looking for her cousin, shouldn’t she be here?”

Daria glances around too, and even though the next pair is a good thirty feet away, she lowers her voice to a whisper. “She’s in Cedar Crest.”

“What?” I ask, drawing back, my heart hammering when I remember Chase randomly driving us by the posh rehab and mental health facility. Was he trying to tell me, or get me to ask, because he couldn’t come right out and say it?

“Apparently she had a breakdown,” Daria says. “I mean, can you blame her? After what happened with her brother, right in front of her? I heard it was pretty gnarly. Like, the guy mightdie.”

“Shit,” I say, shuddering at the thought. “And after her friend died in her pool last year…”

“Right?” Daria says. “I mean, between us, she’s been in there before for her eating disorder stuff. But don’t tell anyone I told you that. I don’t think I’m supposed to know.”

“Wait, are you serious? She has an eating disorder?”

“Duh,” Daria says. “The girl is legit one skipped meal away from a collapse at all times.”

“I mean, I knew she was skinny, I just thought…”

“She has fast metabolism?” she asks. “Yeah, that’s what she says, but she’s clearly unwell. I’ve literally seen her put a single grape into her calorie tracking app.”

“Should we do something?” I ask, feeling guilty that I’ve been oblivious this whole time. Of course I noticed she’s obsessed with her weight, but I thought it was the same way she’s obsessed with her looks, her clothes, and her reputation. But now that Daria mentions it, I think about all the times I’ve seen her pick at her food, or only eat six almonds for lunch, or tell me diet soda doesn’t really have zero calories.

“What can we do?” Daria asks. “She already sees a shrink. I’m sure her parents will put her back in Cedar Crest if it gets too bad. I don’t think there’s much we can do except be her friend and be here for her. Especially now, with her brother fucked up and her cousin gone.”

I think of Chase the other day saying Lindsey needed him, and how he kept her secret even though he knew it would hurt me to think he just couldn’t leave her because he loved her, even if just as a friend. And how that should make me feel some sort of way, that he put her before me, but it seems more like he put being a good person before his own desires, and that only makes me like him more.

Which in turn makes me mad at myself, because I shouldn’t even be thinking about him anymore. We basically agreed it will never happen, and that was before I knew about this. Lindsey does need him, and she needs me, and now more than ever I see how hopeless my love for Chase is, and how we really, truly can’t be together because I have to be there for her every bit as much as he does. And a good friend doesn’t let you cry on her shoulder while secretly pining for her boyfriend.

four

Now Playing:

“I Wanna Be Sedated”—Ramones

The next day Chase doesn’t show up at my locker in the morning like usual, and he’s subdued in English class. I sit next to him, feeling sad and hollow.All I want to do is reach over and touch him. I was supposed to get over him, but after New Year’s, it’s worse than ever. He said I was beautiful. No one has ever called me beautiful before.

At lunch I go to our table, uncertain of my status. Lindsey isn’t at school today, and Chase is being weird and sad, and I’m not Todd’s girlfriend. The glue that held me to the group is cracking, and I don’t know where I belong without them.

I’m starting down an anxiety spiral when Chase calls my name. Relieved, I hurry over to where he’s standing with a handful of guys from our group. He wraps me in a big hug, then kisses my forehead like everything is as it has always been. I’m not quite prepared for the herd of wildebeests that go stampeding through my stomach when his lips make contact with my skin. My knees turn to jelly, and I forget the entire world because only Chase exists.

“My bad,” he says, turning to a guy next to him. “This is Sky. Sky, this is Oliver Finnegan.”

My gaze flies to the guy standing quietly beside him. I was so entranced by Chase I forgot to look around. Now I look up into a pair of lavender eyes rimmed with thick black lashes, and I’m pretty sure I die on the spot.

“Fuck me,” I blurt.

“Hello, Sky. It’s lovely to meet you,” Oliver says, smooth as anything.

“Shit!” I say. “I didn’t mean—It’s an expression! An American saying. It doesn’t mean—I mean, shit. I mean, hi. Hi. I meant to say hi.” I stop talking, hoping my skin will actually peel from the heat of my blush, and then he won’t see how embarrassed I am.

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