Page 9 of Pied Sniper

“I think Poppy is asleep,” said Solomon. “It feels like she is. She suddenly weighs as much as a toddler.”

Lily checked. “Fast asleep. Let me put her in her crib,” she said, taking Poppy from him and carrying her out.

“You don’t look pregnant in that sweater,” said Solomon. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head, “Play your cards right later and it might be a different story the next time you wear it.”

“So we’re really trying?” I mumbled, my face happily pressed against his chest.

“I’ve been trying to give you a baby for the past two months. What have you been doing?”

“Enjoying myself.”

Lily returned with a baby monitor that she placed on the countertop and smiled. “Do you hear that?” she asked. “Silence. Solomon is the baby whisperer. Oh, I spoke too soon.” She sighed as Poppy let out a blood-curdling wail then fell silent.

Jord hurried in. “I have to go,” he said, grabbing a plastic container from a cabinet. “There were a string of house invasions in Harbridge and a homeowner just caught the perp. He’s threatening to shoot him.”

“The homeowner or the perp?” asked Solomon.

“The homeowner has the gun. The perp is hogtied in the front yard. Apparently, it’s quite a spectacle.” He loaded the food into the container, grabbed a set of chopsticks and took off.

“I don’t know why he took chopsticks,” said Lily. “He usually just pours the food into his mouth.”

“At least he’s trying to look civilized,” I said.

“Romance isn’t dead,” said Lily.

Jord stuck his head around the door. “Mom says if you two want a girls’ night, I can drop off Poppy for the evening and pick her up on my way home, assuming no one gets shot. She might even fall asleep on the way.”

“Yes, please,” said Lily. “And please don’t get shot.”

“Not planning on it,” said Jord. “The officers on scene have everything under control.”

Jord loaded a sleeping Poppy into her car seat, shoved an egg roll into his mouth, and took off. We finished loading our plates and sat around the kitchen island updating our recent days. Lily showed a lot of interest in the dognappers and less in the car purchase although she said she’d miss the chance to be my personal chauffeur since it was occasionally exciting. Just as we finished our plates, Solomon’s phone rang and he announced he had to deal with a work issue and would see me at home. With a peck for a kiss, he was gone.

“And then there were two,” said Lily. “Which is great because I don’t want to answer questions about what we’re watching. I’ve tried explaining to Jord why vlogs are so compelling but he called me a ‘weird voyeur’. Grab the glasses and liquor while I set up to watch on my laptop.”

I obeyed her instructions, assembling several bottles, a cocktail shaker, and two wide-rimmed glasses. Lily pulled YouTube up and we both sat down to watch Tiffany Rose on screen, her vibrant, bubbly personality and loud voice instantly filling the kitchen.

“You guys!” she squealed loudly as she clapped her hands. “We are live from my new apartment! I’m not telling you where it is because it’s a secret!” She put a finger to her lips. “But it’s in the cutest city and I’m just loving it! Thanks for joining me for tonight’s video and remember to hit thelikebutton and subscribe!”

“She’s in Montgomery,” said Lily, “I recognized the view from her window in her last video. In a few days, the whole world will know because some creepy, amateur detective will post her address online.”

“Don’t look at me. I’m a professional detective and not at all creepy.”

“I know some of you were wondering why I moved from New York but I want you to know I won’t be here forever! It’s kind of a hick town really but it’s also a great base to visit my sick grandma,” she pouted, “And of course, it’s cheap compared to the Big Apple so I’m planning for my next big adventure! I can’t wait to take you with me.” She paused to blow a kiss at the camera.

Lily glanced at me and raised her eyebrows. I knew what she was thinking: our city was not “hick” at all. It just wasn’t a bustling, “open all hours” city.

“So here I am in this cute, little apartment. Yes, I will conduct a proper tour but let me show you around, then we can make those yummy cocktails while I answer your amazing questions. You guys submitted hundreds! I’m so excited! Are you excited? Remember to hitthelikebutton and subscribe to all my videos and remember: we are live!” Tiffany got up and grabbed the camera, holding it at arm’s length as she played with her perfectly tousled hair and pouted again. “I’ve had some fabulous workout questions so yes, I will be answering those tonight. And just look at the sky from that window. You can almost see stars! And you know how much I’ve been campaigning about light pollution. Don’t forget to sign my petition in the link below. Switch off and you’ll be switched on!” she yelled, spinning around to take us on a tour of the apartment, which was the opposite of little.

“I love her style,” said Lily. “That sweater is so cute!”

“Her apartment is huge,” I said as we followed Tiffany from bedroom to walk-in closet, then the bathroom and back to the open-plan living space. She fussed over the little dog following her, opening cabinets and pointing out details as she chatted, as if the hundreds of thousands of viewers were standing right next to her. “If I were a burglar, I would absolutely look up where she lives right now. She’s so open about everything. She even pointed out where the safe was and said her PA was away.”

“Not smart,” said Lily.

“Got your cocktail kits ready?” Tiffany asked, setting up the camera in her kitchen. She spent the next few minutes measuring, pouring and stirring as we joined in. “I see some of you asked about Jonathan. I miss him too, you guys! He’s not here right now. Sad, right?” She pulled the edges of her lips down and dabbed an imaginary tear. “But we’re strong, aren’t we? Okay, let’s do this!”

We toasted the screen with our finished cocktails and sipped. “This is delicious,” I said, licking my lips as Tiffany did the same, purring “Mmmmmm! This is just a little taste of the pop-up event I’m hosting soon. It’s super exclusive for just a few pals, but of course, I will take you along so you don’t miss any of the behind the scenes deets! But until then, let’s get down to your questions. Jessie wants to know where Jonathan is. Oh, honey, I just told everyone he’s not here tonight, but I can’t wait to see him!” Tiffany paused to make a heart symbol with her hands and pout before smiling again as she continued. “Toni in Sante Fe asked about… oh, honey. We don’t talk about mean girls like her! Sisters before misters, am I right?! Besides, some people aren’t theflavorof the month.”

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