Page 29 of Degraded Terms

I take in his hard face, his coiled jaw and furrowed brows as he watches his brother. Then he turns to face me. “I’m never going to want kids, to be a family. I had a vasectomy when I was 18 and I get the checkups to ensure it’s still working.”

That doesn’t surprise me. He seems like the type of man to do that, but then I frown when I remember something. “But you asked if I was on birth control?”

Asher’s jaw moves back and forth. “I’ve had someone try to lie before.”

Jealousy surges inside me like it does every time he alludes to previous partners. I hate it, but he’s so much older than me so I have to accept it. I glare at him. “So it was a test? If you don’t remember, I hate you. Why would I want your baby?”

Asher blows out a long breath. “I thought you were falling in love with me. Which one is it, love or hate?”

Both.

I snap my mouth shut, not wanting to confess anything.

We stare at each other, waiting for the other to continue talking for a few moments. His mouth tips up in one corner before he shakes his head.

“I guess that’s enough of an answer. But that’s what I’m trying to tell you, Ava. If that’s what you want, a big happy family with kids, that’s never going to be me. I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve never been one tolovenormally, it’s hard for me to even show affection to my brother. And he’s the only other person I care about, but I want you.”

He licks his lips, sighing again. “I’m not sure what you need from me to show you that. You saw how obsessed I am with you, and the longer we spend apart, the more I want to snatch you and keep you locked up.”

“Why?”

Asher looks at me, confused. “Why what?”

“Why do you want to keep me locked up? Because you’re afraid I’m going to leave or because you want me to be your personal sex toy?”

His mouth slacks open, and he blinks before turning back to his brother. I watch as his throat bobs and I wait patiently. I may not have as much life experience as him, but I have a suspicion of what he’s trying to tell me, even if he doesn’t.

“I guess I am afraid of you leaving.”

His confession causes hope to bloom in my chest and I nod slowly.

“And it’s why you like to be in control and be the one to end relationships.”

Asher narrows his eyes, indignation burning in them. “Perhaps we should have your major switched to psychology.”

I laugh humorlessly and shake my head. “No, I don’t care to hear or help with other’s problems. I just spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering why you are the way you are and why the hell I like it.”

“And you concluded that I have abandonment issues that bleed into the constant need for control.”

Shrugging, I fidget with my fingers. “Something like that.”

“And what about you? You figure out why you like it?”

I can’t fight the smile that spreads on my face, and I glance at him sheepishly. “Daddy issues?”

Asher tips his head back and laughs. It’s so carefree sounding that it almost makes me tear up. When he looks back at me, the adoration swimming in his eyes makes my breath catch, and I blurt out what I’ve been holding in.

“I don’t want kids either.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are. I’ve never really thought about it in depth, but it’s not a conversation people just have regularly. The reality of what I want settles in my chest. I give Asher a small smile. “I don’t want kids.”

His eyebrow arches. “Are you sure? Or are you saying that to agree with me?”

I scowl. “It has nothing to do with you. If it did, I could easily leave you and find someone to knock me up.”

A darkness flickers over his face and I roll my eyes then sigh, looking back at his brother’s family. “I’ve always felt like a burden. My mom didn’t want me and dumped me on my father. And don’t get me wrong, my dad is a fantastic dad. I love him more than life and he’s done everything he can for me. But that’s the thing, you know? He does what he has to becauseof me. Sometimes I wonder where he would be or what he would be doing if he didn’t stay with the same job for twenty plus years to provide for his kid.”

I swallow the ache in my throat and slide my attention back to Asher. “Am I a bad person to think kids are a burden? That I don’t fault my parents for thinking I was too? That I don’t want the responsibility of caring for someone else? That the thought of having to lug around another human everywhere I go sounds so daunting that I can’t comprehend ever wanting that?”

“No, I think that makes you normal and someone thinking logically about what they want in life. I doubt your dad thinks you’re a burden, and I’m sorry I assumed you want a family.”

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