Page 29 of Bad Nanny

I shut myself into the closet and pulled off my shirt, leaving me in my bra and shorts. There was very little air circulation in the closet, but the noise from a fan would be too loud, so I just dealt with the heat and stuffiness the best I could.

My camera and lighting were ready with my script nearby, in case I forgot what I’d spent the last few days memorizing. I slipped my hand into Sarah Swoon and adjusted her dress with rainbow-colored hearts after setting her on her seat. Today, she was wearing heart-shaped glasses with blue rhinestones, and I’d styled her purple hair into a flirty updo.

After positioning myself out of sight behind the small table that was my stage, I used my remote to start recording. I usually let the camera run the entire time. There was a lot I’d end up cutting out in the editing process, but it was betterthan stopping and starting the camera every time I messed up or needed to readjust the puppets.

I cleared my throat and said a few words in Sarah’s perky voice before starting. “Hey, loves, it’s Sarah Swoon, your guide to the crazy world of love, romance, and s-e-x.” She whispered the last part as I spelled out the word, leaning in a little, as if it was a secret. “But let’s be honest, it’s always about the nookie, isn’t it?

“Today, we’re going to talk about body language. A viewer emailed, asking how to know when someone is interested in them without having to embarrass themselves. We’ve all been there. The person keeps stealing glances across the bar, but you’re unsure if you have spinach dip stuck in your teeth, or if they want to get stuck in you, if you know what I mean.” Sarah threw open her mouth in a laugh, moving her arms around in excitement.

Sarah calmed down and leaned forward again. “We’re about to uncover the secrets hidden in plain sight when you’re thinking someone wants to get frisky.

“Let’s start with my favorite, the body! If you’re talking to a cutie and they turn their shoulders and head toward you, it’s a good sign that they’re feeling the connection too. If they are angled away, that might mean they aren’t interested.”

While I’d been talking with Sarah, I’d slipped my hand inside Eggplant Earl, who was a simpler hand puppet that didn’t have arms. He pushed his way into the frame, smooshing in next to Sarah. “Now, hold on a dang minute, Miss Sarah,” I interrupted in his exaggerated country twang. “You mean to tell me that, if they got their hips angled toward ya, that means they’re fixin’ to ride ya like a buckingbronco?”

Sarah gave a headshake. “Oh, Earl! While body language can signal attraction, we have to be respectful of boundaries and take it slow. You can’t take one cue as a green light.” She gave the camera a meaningful look, hoping to impart some wisdom to the viewers.

“All right, all right, I hear ya. A gentleman should always be patient and wait fer more than just her body position. I can’t help that I get so excited. I’m a hopeless ol’ romantic at heart.” Earl gave an exaggerated sigh before continuing. “But one thick tip from this purple Romeo—if yer ever lucky ’nuff that a sweet darlin’ is givin’ you the ‘come hither’ with her peepers, don’t be no tater. Make yer move!”

I smoothly transitioned to removing him and replacing him with Patricia Pearl. Her valley girl accent was always a bit much, but the viewers seemed to love her random stories and her take on things. “Oh em gee, you guys. Body language is soooo important, but it can totally lead you astray if you aren’t, like, really paying attention, you know?”

Patricia flipped her invisible hair dramatically, even though she was a molded clam shape. “One time, I was at da club with my girls, and we were dancing and having a great time. I noticed this guy across the dance floor, like, eyeing me up. So, I’m like dancing and like flipping my hair and shooting him looks and flashing him my pearl, and he starts making his way over. His body was totally angled toward me. And I’m like, yessss, it’s so on tonight.”

Patricia opened her shell wide and leaned in close to the camera. I always made sure to give the audience a full glimpse of the inside of her shell, which vaguely looked like avagina, and instead of the pearl in the middle, it was at the top where the clit would be.

“But then, he, like, stops halfway to me and goes over to some other girl and starts dancing with her instead! I was so mortified, you guys. But you know what I realized after? That I had totally misread his body language. A hot guy glancing your way doesn’t automatically mean he wants to hook up!”

Sarah had been staring at Patricia the whole time, mouth slightly ajar. “Thank you for that illuminating story, Patricia! You have to pay attention to eyes, shoulders, hips, and what else is going on in the environment before jumping to conclusions about attraction from body language alone.”

To make sure I had the best quality possible, I did another run-through of that section before I continued with a few more. I’d recorded almost an hour, and by the time I finished editing, it would be somewhere between ten and fifteen minutes long. Overall, it was the smoothest recording session I’d had. It helped that I wasn’t worried about being overheard.

Sweaty and ready for a nap, I stepped out of the closet and into the cool room right as my phone vibrated with a text. My stomach did a little happy flip at Gabriel’s name on the notifications.

He was the most infuriating man I’d ever met. It didn’t feel like he was my boss, and that was a big problem. If we were in an office, it would have been so much easier to avoid the gravitational pull toward each other. Here in his home, the lines were so blurred that I didn’t even know if there were any left.

We both wanted each other, but that would be a disasterwaiting to happen. He was a successful CEO with a five-year-old, and I was...nothing.

With a sigh, I picked up my phone, surprised to see an invitation. I had way too much to get done and probably should stay away from him. I responded, and we went back and forth until he made a sexual innuendo. At least that’s how it read given the smirk emoji he added at the end.

Sarah Swoon would definitely be doing a show on emoji usage.

A few hours later, after a nap and shower, I stepped out of my studio into the warm evening air. Laughter rang out from the backyard, drawing me around the side of the house toward the sound of splashing.

As I rounded the corner onto the patio, the scene before me almost caused my ovaries to explode. Delaney, her blonde hair darkened by the water, was giggling uncontrollably as her uncles, Noah and Lex, splashed around in the pool with her.

“Arrgh, ye mateys! Prepare to walk the plank!” Delaney commanded as she stood, holding half a pool noodle up like a sword.

Gabriel stood at the grill, tongs in hand. There was something so sexy about a barefoot man in shorts and tank holding a pair of tongs.

“Hey, Josie!” Lex called out as he caught sight of me. “Want to join the crew? There’s always room for another pirate.”

“Maybe later. Looks like you’ve got your hands full with Captain Delaney.”

Delaney spotted me and waved enthusiastically. “Jo! Jo! Look! I’m Queen of the Sea! Argh, matey!”

I stopped at the edge of the patio, not far away from the pool. There were quite a few toys in the water. “That’s quite the collection of treasure you have there.”

“Careful,” Gabriel warned. “Her majesty has been known to take unsuspecting onlookers by surprise with her splashing.”

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