Page 26 of Bad Nanny

The worst part wasn’t that Delaney was with strangers for almost twelve hours and had to sleep in a bed that wasn’t her own; it was that she knew her mom had left her.

The door opened, and Dr. Bowman gestured for me to come in. I stood up, my legs feeling unusually heavy, and walked into the room that held so many of Delaney’s fears and secrets.

“How did she do today?” I took my usual seat across from Dr. Bowman’s desk. Delaney was playing with her puppet and dolls in the corner, a pair of headphones covering her ears.

“She’s making progress. She talked about Josie pretty much the entire time. I do hope this nanny stays a while.” Dr. Bowman was all too familiar with the revolving door of nannies.

“Josie?” It was unexpected, but not completely surprising. “The whole time? Anything I should be concerned about?”

Dr. Bowman folded her hands on her desk. “No, but Delaney did mention she is worried you will fire Josie or that Josie will leave because you’re grumpy.”

I chuckled at that. “I’m working on my grumpiness. Josie has only been with us a week.”

“Delaney seems to be forming a meaningful connection with her. It’s a positive development showing she’s adaptingto the changes in her life.” She paused, her eyes never leaving mine. “Have you given any more thought to therapy for yourself? It might be beneficial to explore some of your feelings and reactions, especially as they impact Delaney.”

I ran a hand through my hair and sat back in my seat. “I haven’t really thought about it.” I always saw myself as the pillar, not the one needing support.

“I’ve noticed how Delaney picks up on your emotions. Your anxiety, especially when things don’t go as planned, affects her.” Dr. Bowman was speaking in a softer tone, like I was a scared animal that might run away at any moment. It wasn’t too far from reality.

“I wouldn’t say it’s anxiety.” My brows furrowed as my mind played through the last few weeks. “I’m not having panic attacks.”

“Anxiety and panic attacks don’t have to occur in unison. Anxiety can present as overthinking, worrying, the need for control, irritability, and lack of patience. Sometimes it can present physically. It varies from person to person.” She looked over at Delaney, who was blissfully unaware of our conversation.

I nodded, recalling instances when a slight change in routine had sent both of us spiraling...or had it just been me?

Dr. Bowman continued. “We’ve mostly been working on feelings surrounding her mother and the fear of being abandoned. Today was the first session she’s talked about other things at length. Delaney brought up that she was nervous this week about the glitter and making pizzas because you might get upset. When I asked her why she would thinkthat, she said it was because sticking to a schedule is important.”

My brow furrowed in confusion. “You suggested she have structure, though.”

“I did, but I meant in more of a general sense—clear expectations, routines for bedtime and waking up. Having some things scheduled throughout the day and week is good, but it’s important for her to learn to adapt when things deviate from a plan.”

Josie had told me as much, and I hadn’t listened and gotten defensive. Even now, hearing it come from a professional’s mouth, I was unsure if loosening the reins was what was best for me or for Delaney.

“What are you suggesting? I throw out our schedule and let Delaney run wild?” I snapped as my irritation bubbled under the surface. There I was, proving her point.

Dr. Bowman didn’t react to my tone. “She talked about making pizzas with you and Josie. It was unplanned, from what I gathered, but she enjoyed it. She felt at ease because you were at ease. It’s those little moments that can make a big differencefor both of you.”

I let the words sink in. It was a simple activity that was outside the norm, but its impact was profound. I wasn’t so dense that I didn’t recognize it had been good for us. “How do I fix it?”

“Confiding in someone about your feelings and worries. If not someone in your life, then therapy could offer you tools to manage your stress and, in turn, help Delaney. She’s looking to you, learning how to navigate the world. You went through a traumatic experience too.”

“I didn’t get taken away by a stranger.”

“But your daughter did.”

It was as if she’d slapped me, and the sting made my eyes burn. I met Dr. Bowman’s gaze, the weight of her statement settling over me. “I’ll think about the therapy.”

“It’s a big step, but it would be a step in the right direction.” She smiled warmly as we both stood.

“Thank you.” I walked to Delaney, and she removed the headphones. “Ready to go, sweetie?”

She stood, her small hand slipping into mine before we stepped out of the office and out of the building. The heat hit me and felt good for the first few seconds after the air-conditioned comfort of the building, but quickly turned sweltering as the sun beat down.

Delaney squinted up at the sky as we walked to the car. “It’ssooohot.”

I unlocked the car and helped her into her booster seat in the back, buckling her in. As I slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine, I cranked up the air conditioning. “Since you’resooohot, we can stop and get some ice cream.”

“Yes!” She bounced in her seat. “I wish we could go swimming,” she murmured under her breath.

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