Page 67 of Lord of Dance and Desire

“I don't want to hurt you, Andrei. Why can't you understand I need some semblance of control over my life to feel secure?”

The arrogance on his face was a chilled mask. He slammed his internal barriers shut. “And I don't make you feel secure?”

“This isn't about your male ego, High Lord!” I poked him in the side, hard.

He grabbed my finger with a snarl, spitting in rapid fire Cassanian before he stopped, took a breath, and switched back to English.

“Do you, or do you not want to leave? This is the only time I’ll offer you this choice. The only time you'll be allowed to leave Casakraine unaccompanied without lethal consequences. I had to talk myself into it, Anah. I am straining against every grain of my nature to allow this.”

My bottom lip trembled. I couldn't help it. No, I didn't want to leave him. Hell no. And like every asshole everywhere, he was making this situation black or white. Giving me only two choices, both of them false, both of them terrible. Stay in Casakraine as his coddled pet, his prisoner, or get the hell out.

Yes,I was cussing a lot more lately. Some phases in life called for foul language, though it wasn't very Zen.

“I don’t want to leave you,” I said, my shoulders slumping. “But I really hate you right now.”

My anger, the indignation, all of it drained, leaving me empty. I leaned my forehead against his chest, silent as his arms came around me.

“Be certain. I won’t offer this again. I can’t. And you’re right, if I force you to stay with me, I’m no better than Dartanyon.”

I said nothing, and after several minutes, he lead me from the station and back into the coach.

He still didn’t get it. This wasn’t a real choice.

I didn’t have the energy to argue with him.

Chapter

Eighteen

ANDREIEN

“The spark has gone out of our cygnet’s eyes,” my mother said, joining me where I stood in a quiet alcove away from the glittering throng.

I stilled, understanding the mild statement for the warning it was.

High Lord Issahelle, gowned in simple Court finery and no jewelry though this was the formal ball announcing the start of the new season, turned to me, her rainstorm blue-gray eyes piercing.

“She’s still recovering from last season,” I said, choosing my words very, very carefully. The luudthen weren’t the only ones who would, as Anah loved to threaten, “kick my ass into next week” if I harmed her in any true way.

And that was the crux of it, wasn’t it? Our definitions of harm.

I wanted to keep her, to protect her. She wanted neither thing. She wanted me, she wanted our life, but she didn’t want thechain that came along with it. I could lengthen the chain, but I couldn’t destroy it. I didn’t have that power.

“She wants for nothing,” I added, then said under my breath, “except a good spanking.”

Which I would be thrilled to give her when she finally consented to it again. Her quiet subservience the last several months was grating on my nerves. She was the perfect, cooperative, mild if not exactly sweet-mannered bonded.

I wanted to strangle her.

My mother arched a dark brow, but she let my comment go. “Then what is the problem?”

I watched my bonded, studying her perfectly composed expression as she conversed with the courtiers, Con and Philea at her side. Once again, she’d donned her aloof mortal Muse demeanor, thinking it would shield her from interest.

I grimaced. Anah did like to play dead. She was just terrible at it. I tried to explain that my people loved nothing more than a locked mystery to crack, but she didn’t understand. She thought reticent equaled boring. To her, a proper prima was outgoing, glittering, the center sun of any gathering. But the moon ruled the Darkness, not the sun.

“She doesn't want to feel caged. She wants to feel as if she’s free to make any choice she desires and suffer the consequences as she pleases.” I snorted. “She wants to believe the illusion that her choices won't impact anyone but her, because if they do then that means she isn’t as free as she thought.”

My mother chuckled. “Ah. She doesn't yet understand that adulthood is a cage none of us escape. She sees that wehave power, and she thinks power means we have no external constraints. She’ll learn.” Issahelle fell silent. “Have you offered to allow her to live alone?”

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