Page 12 of Lord of Dance and Desire

Idonned my best behavior like stage makeup and went out of my way to be pleasant, upbeat. I ate under Andrei and Constin’s beady eyes, and otherwise gave the performance of my life.

A performance made difficult because the man I was trying to convince had at least partial, and growing, access to my mind and emotions. I didn't know how to mount a defense except to convince myself of my positive, energetic mood, and pull all happy, looking forward to the future thoughts to the forefront of my mind.

Like a good little mortal.

But a tiny part of me planned.

I rose early the next morning and left after eating a full breakfast. Which might have been a mistake, with Constin giving me an odd look. I never ate a full breakfast.

I decided to lie by telling the truth. “I'm on good behavior as long as possible,” I joked, waving at him.

His expression relaxed, and he grinned, the curve of his lips vulpine. “We'll see how long that lasts.”

“Bet not long!”

The smile didn't drop from my face until I was in the coach. Mathen always rode on the outside, the better to watch our surroundings I guessed. So at least for these few moments traveling to the Sahakian building, I didn't have to pretend I wasn't seething.

Did I understand why Andreien had done what he'd done? Of course. I could justify his actions a hundred different ways. His upbringing, his culture, his entrenched power, his clear anxiety about my safety. All genuine concerns made legitimate simply because this was literallyhiscity.

It didn't take away the fact that he'd ripped away my autonomy.

Denied me the one thing that when denied, threatened my life and sanity.

No person should have such power over another.

Worse, Constin and Mathen had gone along with the punishment. They'd empathized, they hadn't liked the necessity of it, but if I had broken Andrei’s edict and danced in the privacy of my bedroom, one of them would have told on me. Nothing in my mind doubted their absolute loyalty to Andrei, to House Casakraine. And therefore, to the High Lord.

So what was I going to do?

Not throw the baby out with the bath water. My goals hadn't changed. Just because I had a fuller understanding of the dark side of these people didn't mean I no longer wanted a part in the Sahakian Company.

But I would plan. I’d put up with their b.s. until I couldn’t anymore, or it was no longer worth the benefit. Even if I had to rip out my own heart to protect the rest of me.

Taima squealed and threw her arms around my neck when I entered the rehearsal room.

“I'm here to observe,” I warned her.

I saw no reason not to be honest about the punishment. Let it serve as a warning to them.

She pulled back, searching my face as Coralene and Samuel approached.

“Girl, what did you do?” Samuel asked. “All the mistress would tell us was you've been excused for a week on orders of Lord Andreien.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I’m being punished for pulling a fast one on my guard at the party. There were. . . political consequences and Lord Andreien felt he had to visit some of those consequences on me.”

I glanced at Coralene. The others were worried, but her eyes held knowledge. She understood what I wasn't saying, understood everything beneath my bland, peppy tone.

I didn't let myself feel gratitude that Andrei relaxed the punishment. Though observing the rehearsals eased some of the crawling need inside of me.

No, if I lived with these people for another hundred years, I would never let myself forget what they were. I would never let myself accept it. I might live with it, but I wouldn't accept it. Not until they learned that it waswrongto chain someone to you,even if you loved them. Especially if you loved them. Love wasn’t a cage.

When group rehearsals were done, I met Coralene's eyes across the room and nodded my head towards the hallway.

She joined me a few moments later. “Can we talk?” I asked.

Her gaze flickered over my shoulder. Mathen was around somewhere. “Alone?”

Code for, out of earshot of your guard? I nodded. “If you don’t mind.”

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