Page 78 of Tess, Property of Blaze

Blaze

It’s been six months since the night Tess was taken from me and my life got turned upside down. The night my world didn’t exist anymore if it meant I didn’t have her in it.

I’m seated at the bar with a beer in my hand, wearing a goddamn black suit. A suit! Tess would laugh if she could see me now. Today was the day I said goodbye to Tess. It’s been six long months of searching for her, hundreds of thousands of dollars thrown into the system to continue their search, and each time they came back with nothing. She’s nowhere to be found.

It wasn’t until the boys held church and forced me to attend—it was more like an intervention than church—that they told me I had to give up my search for Tess. As much as they want her to be alive, she can’t be, because we’ve searched that ocean for six months and found nothing. Not a single trace. They each went around the room talking about Tess, saying something nice about her or sharing a memory. I felt like it was more of a goodbye, and even the women were allowed in the room for it. Usually church is sacred, for club members only, and that means just the men, but I guess this time Prez bent the rules.

I was angry that they were all saying goodbye, but when I started to hear all their stories, it sunk in that she was really gone. My Tess had left me. All these months searching for her, and not one sign that she was still alive.

I blame myself. I should have protected her better, had someone by her side all the time, watching, reporting. I should have noticed the signs that there was someone in the house the night she was taken, but I thought with Viper gone, it meant the Forseekers would lay low. I guess I underestimated her old man.

We got news last week that her old man died. Snake, or shall I say Detective Tom Green, came by the club and told us he was dead. It was a relief to know he’s now out of the picture completely, and I know he wasn’t hiding Tess, because I went down there myself, along with my boys, to make sure of that. And he wasn’t. When I saw him, he was on his death bed, close to taking his last breath. I was going to shoot him right there and then, the rage filling me at just the sight of the fucker, but then I decided he didn’t deserve a quick death. Him lying there trying to breath, gasping for every drop of air and suffering, was what he deserved, so I left his side feeling content, knowing he’d soon be in the ground. Neither him or Viper loved Tess, and I keep having to tell myself that after everything she went through, she’s now in some kind of peace.

“Here, baby, have a shot.”

I look up at Daisy, who’s also dressed in black. Today we all said goodbye to Tess, and although neither of us were religious, my mother demanded that she have a proper funeral. We didn’t have a body to place in her casket, but each of us put something in there that reminded us of Tess. Me? Well, I put the engagement ring that I never got to see on her finger in there. No one deserves to wear it as much as she did. It was my mother’s, she’d given it to me to place on the finger of the woman I was going to marry. Tess is the only woman that I could ever imagine loving, and I can say that with all my heart I will never, ever be able to replace her, never want to marry anyone who’s not Tess. So it only seemed like the right thing to do, to place it in her casket.

I smile to myself, thinking about how beautiful she would have looked in a wedding dress. But all I can do now is hope that she’s happy and free and in peace.

“Thanks, Daisy,” I say, bringing the glass to my lips and swallowing the contents in one go. Bourbon. It burns the whole way down, and I take a swig of my beer to ease the ache.

“You need to slow down, son. You haven’t been eating. Here, I made your favorite.” My mom sets a plate of apple pie in front of me.

I force a smile onto my face. “Thanks, Mom, but I’m not hungry.”

She takes a seat next to me at the bar. I have to admit, it’s all a little weird having my mom here at the clubhouse with us, but it’s where I knew Tess was the happiest. She called the club her home, so after her funeral, we all said our goodbyes to her, and then the boys left to set up the clubhouse while I stayed and spoke to Tess for a while, wherever she is now. When I finally finished my goodbyes, I’d turned around to find my mom standing beside her car—she refused to let me ride in my state, knowing I’d been drinking a lot, and sleeping or eating not so much. I can’t sleep, everywhere I look, Tess is there, and without her… well, I don’t exist.

“You need to eat, Dalton. Please, just have a bite.” She tries to encourage me by cutting into the pie with a fork and bringing it to my lips, making the sounds of a choo-choo train, just like she used to do when I was a kid. My smile is real this time, and I roll my eyes at her, but I can’t help but take the bite of pie into my mouth.

“It’s good, Mom.”

“Of course it is, I made it.”

I finish off the bite, then notice that my mom’s eyes are filled with tears. “I loved Tess like she was my own daughter,” she says, bringing a tissue up to her eyes and dabbing.

I can’t reply, I just swallow down the lump now lodged in my throat and look away. I’m forced to look at her again when she tugs on my chin, pulling my gaze back to her. “Tess wouldn’t want you to go on like this, she would want you to be happy. I know you loved her, we all did, but you need to start looking after yourself. You’re still young, you still have your whole life ahead of you—”

I cut in. “Please don’t tell me I’ll find someone else, because that will never happen. Tess can’t be replaced.”

“I know,” she says gently. “I know how much you loved her. I’m not saying you have to replace her. I’m just saying that life goes on. You need to know that. It was hard for me when your dad died, and sure, it took me a while, but I got through it, and here I am.”

“Here you are,” I repeat, then give her hand a squeeze. “I know your intentions are good, Mom, but right now, I’m not ready to forget her.”

“No one is saying you have to, my boy. I’m just saying it’s time to get up in the morning, it’s time to shower, time to eat. You need to take care of yourself. This is not healthy,” she says, pointing to my clothes.

“What do you mean? I thought you wanted me to wear this suit?” I ask, looking down at my dress pants and shirt, my tie that’s now loose around my neck.

“You look really nice, Dalton. But has your shaver broken? Is there no one who can cut your hair? Look at it! It’s so long,” she teases, pulling on a few strands near my ear.

“Ah, Mom, who cares what I look like?”

“I do. I do, Dalton. You look too thin, you’re not eating. Why don't you come home and let me look after you? Just for a while, hey?”

I look down at the half-eaten pie still sitting on the bar top. “Thanks for the gesture, Mom, but I belong here with my brothers.”

She cups my cheek. “Promise me you will take better care of yourself. Promise me.”

I play with my lip ring. “I promise.”

“That’s my boy. Now, I’m going home. I’m tired and it’s been a long day.” She gets up off the stool and leans in to kiss my cheek.

She steps back, but I keep her close by the pulling on her hand. “Thank you, Mom. Thank you for all of this,” I say, looking around at the flowers, the picture of Tess and I on the edge of the bar, the food she made that’s sitting on a nearby table. “Thank you.”

She squeezes my hand. “You’re welcome. Make sure you come and see me soon.”

“I will,” I promise, and get up from the stool and walk her out to her car. After one last hug, I shut the door for her before she takes off out of the clubhouse. Never in a million years did I ever picture my mom visiting me here.

“Tess, wherever you are, I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t find you and give you a proper burial.” I look up at the sky, hoping she can hear my heartfelt words, then turn around and walk back into the clubhouse. I need to get myself drunk to the point I can’t feel anything. I need to feel numb.

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