Page 78 of Taming Hawke

Luisa

Dry, so dry… my tongue feels like sandpaper. Something is down my throat, scratching at the walls of it. Thirsty. I’m so thirsty I could drink an entire river.

My eyes are shut and I can’t seem to open them. Where am I? I hear whispering voices, a constant beeping coming from something beside me. I want to open my eyes, but they’re so heavy, like they’ve been glued together. Voices are getting closer. There’s a female, male, and… and… Hawke! Oh God, Hawke. Am I alive? My brain is so fuzzy. I remember being shot, but that’s it. Am I at the hospital?

My hand warms when I feel someone give it a squeeze. “Honey, it’s Dad. You wake up now, you hear. We love you and we’re all here waiting for you to open your eyes.”

Daddy! Daddy! I want to yell but can’t seem to get the words out. I keep drifting and floating—blackness, total blackness takes over me, and I’m out again.

“I love you, Luisa. God, wake up, babe, I need to know you’re okay. I’m so sorry, so goddamn sorry that I didn’t protect you. Just wake up for me, baby.”

Hawke. I feel something wet on my hands. Are those tears? Hawke is crying? I want so badly to tell him I’m okay, but the words won’t leave my lips, and I’m too damn tired to open my mouth and speak. Water, I need water…. It’s the last thing I remember before I’m taken back under.

“Honey, it’s Mom. I’m here. You just wake up, now. Please honey, open your beautiful eyes, let me see that you’re okay. Please,” she sobs.

“Gail, don’t cry, she shouldn’t hear you cry.”

Daddy, Daddy, I’m here. I’m alive. Tired so tired. Beep, beep, beep. Darkness.

“Luisa, it’s me, Jasmine.” I can hear her crying as she continues. “You’re an aunty. Wake up, Lu. God, please wake up. You were so brave. If it wasn’t for you, Jack wouldn’t be here. That’s right, Lu, I had my baby,” she says, laughing and crying all at the same time. “I had a boy, we named him Jack, after my father. He’s doing well, but he’s so tiny, Lu. He was born twelve weeks early, so they have him in an incubator to help him breathe. Quill and I only get to cuddle him once a day. The doctors said he’ll be okay, he just needs a little help to get a start out in life. Oh, Lu, please wake up.” I hear Jasmine giggle. “You should see all his hair, Lu, black hair like his father. We can’t make out his eyes yet, but I love him so much, and I can’t wait for you to meet him. So get up, you hear me? I need you beside me. I need my best friend.” I hear her start to cry again, and she squeezes my hand.

“Babe, dry those tears, she’s going to be fine.”

“But… but what if she’s not, Quill? What if she doesn’t wake up? It’s my fault she got shot.”

“Shush, baby.” Quill? Quill is here?

“Don’t blame yourself, Luisa is a strong woman. She made her choice, and I’m so thankful she did. She saved Jack,” Quill explains. I hear Jasmine cry again.

“I know you’re right, it’s just… she looks so pale. Why won’t she wake up, goddamn it?” Tears… more tears. Jasmine, I’m okay. Jasmine, Jasmine. Tired, so tired. Then darkness again.

Beep, beep, beep. Why won’t someone shut that off?

“It’s been eight days now, goddamn it. Eight days. Why hasn’t she woken up yet?” Hawke, Hawke I’m here, I’m here. Please, why won’t my words come out?

There’s another voice but I can’t hear what they’re saying, their words spoken so low.

“I don’t give a shit, doc. Do something. This can’t be good for the baby.”

Baby? He must be confused. Darkness. I’m so tired.

Beep, beep, beep. That sound, someone shut off that sound! I feel different. My senses are stronger, I can hear better, smell better. I try and move my right hand, and I’m able to slowly move my fingers a little. I feel cool material beneath them, and then repeat the same movement with my left hand this time. Something is clipped to my finger, though, and it’s annoying me. I want to rip it off but don’t have the strength. Slowly and steadily my eyes flutter open. So bright. So bright it’s blinding me. I quickly close them. Come on, you can do this. I try a second time, and this time when I open them, I keep them open. I begin to cough uncontrollably. There’s something stuck in my throat.

“Luisa? Oh my God, you’re awake. Sit tight, honey, I’m going to go and get the nurse.” I hear my mom run to the door and open it, screaming for the nurse, and then yelling, “She’s awake!”

She comes running back in with my dad, and Jasmine by her side as well. “Oh, thank God,” my mom cries, leaning in and kissing me on my forehead, tears rolling down her face. I want to hug her back, but I can’t. I can’t move. I have all these wires hanging off me.

“Excuse me ma’am, if you can just step back for me so I can check her vitals.”

My mom does as she’s asked and steps back. “Yes, of course.” Her hair, usually perfect, is tied in a messy bun, and her face is clear of any makeup, dark smudges under her eyes making her look so tired. Jasmine is standing at the end of the bed with my father, and they both have tears in their eyes. I search around for Hawke, but I don’t see him.

Just as the nurse is about to shove some torch in my face to check my eyes, he comes rushing into the room, only stopping when he reaches the side of my bed. He looks tired, so tired. He has more scruff around his face, bags under his eyes, their usual bright blue shade now dull. His shirt is creased, and his hair looks oily and messy. Hawke looks the picture of exhaustion.

“Babe, you’re awake.” His eyes crease at the edges and fill with tears. He grips my hand, his warmth traveling through me. I want to smile and tell him I love him but I can’t, and then he breaks down. He falls to his knees and rests his head on the bed, all the while kissing and cupping my hand in his. He cries. The sound of his tears breaks me in two. He’s broken. I want to run my hand over his head and tell him it’s going to be okay, but I can’t do that either. This damn thing in my throat is stopping me from talking.

“Sir!” the nurse says, and Hawke’s head snaps up to look at her. She smiles at him. “Can you please give me a minute, let me take this tube out of her mouth and check her vitals.” Hawke stands, sniffling as he does. He wipes his tears away and leans down and kisses my forehead, then looks up at the nurse and nods for her to continue on.

Once the tube is removed, I whisper, “Water.”

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