“I can’t. How am I supposed to bring it up when I shouldn’t have been reading his messages?”
“Look, I’m telling you this because you are my best friend,” she says on a sigh.
“You know something, don’t you?” I ask, feeling my breath escape me.
Silence once again.
“Jazz?”
“I promised him I would let him tell you.”
A lump forms in my throat and it burns. I place my hand over my chest, trying to calm down, but at the same time I’m so scared of what Jasmine knows.
“Jasmine, please, you need to tell me. Is he cheating on me.?” I cry out. “I can’t go through this again, you saw what I went through with Russell. I can’t… I just can’t….” I start to sob, unable to hold it in any longer.
“Oh, Lu, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. And I could kick Hawke in the balls for not telling you about his past, but all I can say is that you have nothing to worry about. He loves you.”
“He loves me?” I shout. “How do I know he loves me, Jazz? The man has never used those words. Those three little words that I so desperately need to hear.” I begin to cry again, and my hands tremble as I hold the phone to my ear. I feel like I can’t get any air into my lungs. The possibility of being betrayed again is tearing me apart.
“Lu, please don’t cry. I promise everything will be okay. I’m coming to see you. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
I don’t reply, I can’t. I just keep crying, and let the phone drop to the bed. I’m so hurt right now. He told Jasmine, told my best friend about his past, but he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me. Oh God, what if he is cheating on me? I gave him my all last night, and even though he didn’t say he loved me, the way his body made me feel—wanted and needed—I didn’t need the words. But now, sitting here, knowing he was with another woman last night is killing me. My heart aches and I can’t stop crying.
I can hear Jasmine on the phone yelling, “Lu! Are you there? Lu?” Then I hear our call disconnect. I know she will be here soon.
I replay the message from Hawke’s phone in my head. Who is this Josie? Is it his ex-girlfriend? Every time I’ve tried to bring up Hawke’s past with him, he changes the subject.
Why doesn’t he want to tell me anything? What is he hiding?