Page 30 of A Little Merry

“I don’t really know how that happened… I mean, I know how it happened, but I don’t know why I did it. Just know that as soon as I saidI do,I knew I’d made a huge mistake. He knew it as well, but when he doesn’t take his meds, he loses all reasoning. It’s part of his PTSD. He’s seen too much, and the horror of the war came too close. I felt sorry for him and thought I could fix all that if I just showed him some real love. Plus, I wanted to please my mom. She’s always been disappointed in me for various things, and I wanted to make her happy. I soon realized no matter what I did, my mom would never be proud of me. It’s not in her DNA.”

“We all must come to that realization at some point, but you just said you thought that by showing him some real love… did you love him? Do you still love him?”

“I thought so, but when he freaked out on our wedding night and ended up in the hospital, I knew not only that I didn’t truly love him, but that I’d made a monumental mistake. My mom had promoted the wedding, and when it didn’t work out, well… let’s just say she and I aren’t close anymore.”

“So, you knew you made a mistake, but why are you two still married? And what about the kids?”

“The kids are sweet, and his mother-in-law is caring for them, at least for now. I think when his wife died from some kind of turbo bone cancer, that’s when he really went off the deepend. But that doesn’t answer your question about my still being in love with him.” I took a few gulps of wine, and they felt so good going down, I closed my eyes to savor the moment. When I opened them again, Lucas had moved in closer and taken my glass.

“It’s okay. This can wait until morning. How about we say good night, and I’ll sleep out here on the sofa, in case Billy Ray slips out of Connor’s apartment and comes knocking.”

“That’s not fair to you. This sofa isn’t very comfortable.”

“I’ve slept on worse. This’ll be fine. Just tell me where I can grab a pillow and a blanket.”

“Off my bed. I always have extras.”

He walked me to the bedroom as I leaned against him, and he wrapped his arm around my waist. It felt so nice, that when I leaned into him some more, he simply picked me up like I didn’t weigh anything at all. I immediately rested my head on his shoulder and realized I could live there.

When we got to my room, I collapsed on my bed, and when he tucked me in, I said, “No, Lucas. I don’t love Billy Ray like I love you, Connor, and Ethan. Never did and never will.”

He didn’t speak. Instead, he covered me with a second blanket, kissed my forehead, grabbed whatever he needed to spend the night on my sofa, and left, leaving the door cracked about two inches.

I cried myself to sleep right after he walked out, certain that not only did I lose all three of these fabulous men, but I’d fucked up Billy Ray as well.

“RISE AND SHINE, Valentine!” Noelle’s cheery voice echoed in my head. Was it really her or was I imagining it?

When sunlight hit my eyes, I knew something was up. I always closed my blinds in my bedroom in the evening.

I opened my eyes and pushed myself up on the bed. “Noelle. What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Where’s Lucas?”

“I sent him home,” she said, then placed a wooden bed tray, complete with little legs, down in front of me. A tray I’d never seen before. Cups, saucers, plates, and a coffee pot I’d never seen before, either.

“What’s all this?”

“Breakfast, my love. Everything you’ll need to get going this morning… and believe me, you’ll need to get going and soon. Can’t lose everything you’ve already gained.”

I gazed down at the tray: my favorite scrambled eggs, with mushrooms, zucchini, tomatoes, and melted cheese, a croissant, sliced berries, two tiny cookies, and an entire pot of coffee with raw sugar and a small creamer filled with milk or half n’ half.

“How did you know about my favorite eggs? And a croissant? It’s probably filled with pistachio cream, my absolute favorite. How did you know?”

“You’re getting caught up in details, darling, when it’s the big picture we need to address this morning.”

Whenever I needed her most, Noelle seemed to appear out of nowhere.

I poured the hot coffee into a charming red Christmas mug, prepared it, and took my first glorious sip. Possibly the smoothest coffee I’d ever tasted, and said, “What big picture?”

“Your big picture, my dear.” She plopped down on the bed next to me and grabbed one of the tiny cookies. “Billy Ray’s thrown a wrench into everything. I didn’t see that coming, which is a real problem.”

“You didn’t?”

“No. He was out of my scope.”

“You have a scope?”

“I do. We all do, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is how do we get this whole marriage resolved and getBilly Ray the help he needs so he can remove himself from the picture.”

I decided to just play along. “You’re the Christmas angel. You figure it out.”

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