Page 54 of Born of Ice

Electra

I feel the tremorscoming from his body before I even enter the room.

Exton is lying on his side of the bed, covered from head to toe with my thick, warm blanket, yet he’s shivering. And I wish those shivers were from the cold. The physical kind, not the crippling chill I live with inside my soul. The one we are both intimately familiar with, it seems; only he was far better at hiding it from the light than I was.

I should’ve known. I should’ve realized that there was so much more to Exton because you don’t feel this way with another whole person when you are at a mere quarter yourself.

And I guess in our case, two quarters make a dollar. Because I feel enough when I’m with him, enough when it shouldn’t be. Enough, when the other half to our dollar is still missing. Enough that in those moments—no matter how ridiculous they are—I don’t feel broken. I don’t feel like the mess I am.

Without thinking, I wheel myself over to the bed and climb in without bothering to change out of my dirty clothes or use the bathroom. None of those things are important right now.

All I need is to take away some of the hurt he’s feeling. Because that’s what he’s constantly done for me. He might not even realize it, but he did, albeit his methods suck, but they work, and in the process, he hurt himself.

He said I was perfect. He said I wasperfectwhile his eyes screamed bloody murder when he spoke of Erik. Of what he’s done.

Exton can’t know it was him who changed the program, can he? No one knows. I hadn’t told anyone. Yet he was sure Erik was to blame and when I saw the image of my lifeless body lying on that ice after the fall, I hated myself with every fiber of my being for not speaking up. For allowing Erik and Filip to go on with their happy lives while I was left in a broken mess.

Until Exton.

I wince as I haul my half useless body over to the bed, my arms already tired from the full day of use but pain is not a new concept to me. Once I’m sitting on my side, I reach for the light switch, and as soon as I turn off the lights, bathing the room in the inky darkness, I feel him exhale a shaky breath as if the darkness is a comfort to him. As if it will be enough for him to hide in it from the vortex I stirred.

I lift my hand up to touch him, to comfort him but stop myself before my own shaky fingers reach his broad back and let my head fall against the headboard.

“Tell me. Tell me what you felt,” I whisper those same words back to him, and he knows I mean them, just like he did. It was that knowledge that made me break. Made me pour out some of that hurt I keep bottled up on the inside.

“Go to sleep, Electra. You wanted me to leave you alone, so here I am doing just that.”

I close my eyes hard enough to see stars and I feel those tendrils of a panic attack making their way over my body, but forthe first time I really fight it. I need to get this out. I need to show him my own pain so he can show me his.

“My mom died when I was eight years old from cancer. She was battling it for a while at that point.” Exton’s already unmoving body goes even more still. “Two years before that I got this idea in my head that I want to be a figure skater, so naturally my mom being the most wonderful mother in the world got me skates and started teaching me how to skate on that lake over there. One day, Stella Gray somehow ended up watching me practice on my chicken legs and told my mom and me that I could have a future of a star.” My voice cracks on the last word, because with each one it’s getting harder and harder to push them out.

To admit out loud what a failure I am. To face it all. And somehow, I feel the urge to do it now, in front of this psychopathic asshole that came crushing into my miserable life.

“My mom said she’d never seen my eyes shine that bright before and so she put me into Stella’s school. But the school wasn’t free nor were all the things I needed. We weren’t rich but I always thought we did okay with the bar and all, but Mom’s sickness took a toll on our finances. One I didn’t know about when my head was filled with ideas of pretty costumes, future performances and gold medals I could win.” I pause, gathering what remnants of courage I have. “Until one day, she simply collapsed in the middle of the street. The groceries we bought earlier spilling out of the bags she was carrying.”

I’ll never forget that day or the blinding fear I felt. I’ll never forget dropping to my knees and shaking her to wake up as someone around us was calling 911 and screaming to send help.

“Once she was taken to the hospital, I found out that she had no insurance and was paying for her cancer treatments out of pocket. And I might’ve been too young to understand what was happening at that time, but I did catch one thing. My momstopped seeing her oncologist a year earlier. Right around the time I started my figure skating program that she was also paying for out of pocket.”

My tongue trails over my lower lip, tasting salt…I didn’t even realize I was crying.

“She woke up briefly in the hospital with an exhausted smile on her lips. A smile I realized as I grew up meant she knew the end was near. I remember running up to her, crying, clinging onto her with all the might an eight-year-old had and screaming for her to never scare me like that again, promising her to carry all of the grocery bags from now on so she didn’t have to, but she lifted her hand to my face, gently cupping it and the last words I heard from her were, ‘Chase your dream, my Electra. You were born to shine, to be the brightest star. Mommy loves you so much. Never forget that.’” I don’t realize my voice is breaking up, choking on the tears streaming down my face and I’m shaking until I feel a strong set of hands drawing me in, and thick fingers swiping the moisture off my cheeks.

Exton.

He’s not saying a word, just presses my face into his neck, tucking me under his chin as he holds me tightly, allowing me to pour out all of that hurt into his waiting arms and I cling to that. I cling to him, digging my fingernails into his skin.

I didn’t understand any of it back then. Didn’t understand why Stella was so angry that Mom never told her about any of it. Why she never mentioned her cancer or the financial situation we were in. I only remember crying nonstop, screaming for my mom to come back, and Stella bringing me home to her apartment, saying I’d be living with her from now on.

My mom was selfless and I’m selfish.

“She had to choose between her treatments and my stupid figure skating, and she chose wrong! She chose me and I failedher! I failed her sacrifice. I’m the reason she’s dead, my stupid love for that sport, and look where it got me!”

“My mom died while giving birth to me,” Exton suddenly says, and I cough, choking on the sharp intake of air. “So, which one of actually killed their mother, hmm?”

“Exton…” I whisper, lifting my tear-streaked eyes to his and seeing so much.

Despite the darkness, I see it. I see him.

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