Page 10 of Born of Ice

“Yeah.” The word slips out of his mouth with such distaste I feel it in my own mouth. As well as feel my heart sink.

It’s been a week since the surgery, and I’ve been poked and probed and x-rayed through and through in that time. Each test needing extra tests. And with each one, my hope flaring up.

Interesting how fast it can sink…with just one word.

Jab of searing pain stabs through my chest and my heart squeezes painfully as I fist the sheets around me, trying as hard as I can to keep the tears at bay.

“Erik, we need to figure out what to do.” I guess Filip is here as well, discussing me like I’m not lyingright-freaking-here. Like it isn’t my future that was crushed against the cold, unforgiving ice.

“You think I don’t know that?” Erik grits out, and I can almost see—feel—the sneer I’ve been noticing on his face this whole week. The one that’s gotten deeper and colder with each passing day.

“Calm down, we can get you paired up with Lisa. She’s good.”

“She’s not Elle,” Jasper adds.

“No, she’s not. But what are we supposed to do? This is your last chance to go to the Olympics. You want to fuck it up?”

“No.” A pause. “That Elle is gone. She won’t skate anymore, and I can’t be stuck at the bottom with her. Call Lisa. We need to start practicing as soon as possible,” Erik demands.

I’m aware of the tears soaking my pillow, but it’s just like that first day after I woke up. I’m here, but I’m not. My mind is zoning out of this horrible reality.

“But what about Elle? What about the proposal?” Jasper asks.

“What proposal?” Erik asks as if it’s the first time he’s heard of it.

“What do you mean ‘what proposal?’ The one where you planned to ask her to marry you!”

“There’s no proposal.” The statement slashes through the space like a sharp blade, making the silence on their end as loud as the one inside my heart. “Don’t look at me like that,” he spits out. “You want me to be stuck with a cripple for the rest of my life?” The venom, the cruelty in his voice is enough to poison my whole body.

A killer dose.

“Okay…but shouldn’t you stay with her? You love her, don’t you? She needs someone to be with her right now,” Jasper asks, and if I thought the person I loved more than anything in my life was cruel before…he proves me wrong.

“I can’t love something so ugly. My Elle died a week ago. I want nothing to do with this mess.”

My mouth opens with a silent gasp and choked cry as I slam my good hand over my mouth to muffle it.

Cripple. Mess. Ugly.

That’s who I am now. Not the woman he loves. A cripple. That’s all I’ll ever be now, isn’t it?

Faintly, I’m aware that my heart monitor is picking up the speed again and my chest is moving a bit too fast. I need to see. I need to know.

Shakily, but frantically, I look for the remote, jabbing over the buttons without looking until I feel the bed lifting me up into a sitting position. My chest is heaving as I stare at my unmoving legs through a blur of frozen tears.

Slowly, I drag the flimsy hospital covers off and there they are.

This whole week I’ve refused to look at them, refused to see the changes, as if that somehow would make any difference. But they look just as they did that day on the ice. More bruised andbattered but the same old legs. Skin, muscle, and bone. Only, they don’tfeellike they did. They don’t feel like my legs. They don’t feel like anything.

My shaky hand, extends, the pads of my fingers skimming over my skin yet…nothing. I stab my finger into it…nothing. I pinch, twist the flesh…nothing. I bring my other hand in a cast over them, beating it against them but…nothing.

NOTHING.

And I break. That loud, painful cry I was holding behind some shred of hope breaks free, and I let it all out.

Gone. It’s all gone. It’sallgone! Every dream. Every wish. Every little feeling I thought I knew, it’s all gone and all that’s left is emptiness. Hollow, dark hole. My cries take on a hysterical edge as I scream and thrash against the bed. Slamming my fists into those useless legs with whatever power I have left remaining. Maybe if I move enough, the rest of me will break too? Who needs a cripple? Who needs this broken version of me?

Not my fans. Not Erik. Not me…I don’t need her. I want her gone! Erased!

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