Page 29 of Vengeful Sins

“There’s so much about him I’ve never told you or anybody,” I continue. Now that I’ve started, it’s like I’ve opened a floodgate. Everything wants to come rushing out. I’m afraid I’ll overwhelm her, but I can’t help it. “He pretends to be loving. He doesn’t really care about me. Only what I can do for him. He took me to dinner last night for my birthday, but really, it was to introduce me to this guy. It’s gross. He’s Dad’s age. And when I told Dad I can’t marry him, obviously, it was like he didn’t hear me at all.”

With a sigh, I add, “It’s not the first time he’s done something like that, either.”

She looks sick, sliding the sandwich aside. “That is disgusting. I’m so sorry. And I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me this sooner—I, like, trauma dumped on you for so long.”

“I’m kind of practiced at holding things inside.”

“It must’ve been so gross and shocking when that man showed up.” She shivers, her nose wrinkling.

“The worst thing is, it’s not even all that shocking compared to what he’s done in the past.” It’s hard to swallow with this lump in my throat. A few sips of my smoothie help keep me from choking. “I found out when I turned sixteen that he was trying to sell my virginity at a sex club. He was talking about it over the phone, making arrangements. Then he announced he was taking me to the gynecologist. That was when I knew for sure.”

I can’t believe I blurted it out like that. The horror on her face—bulging eyes, wide open mouth, pale skin—sort of makes me regret telling her. She couldn’t possibly have guessed or prepared herself.

“I don’t know what to say,” she murmurs, shaking her head while her chin trembles like she’s about to cry. “What did you do? Did he go through with it?”

I love how she doesn’t ask a bunch of questions about how I can be sure or whether I misunderstood the situation. She trusts me enough to know I wouldn’t tell her unless it was true. “I lost my virginity on purpose, so he couldn’t go through with it.”

“Oh.” Her eyes bulge even wider. “Well, I guess that’s one way to do it. He must’ve been pretty pissed.”

“Extremely. But that’s not the whole story, either. God, there is so much I’ve been hiding for so long.” All she does is take another bite of her sandwich, waiting for me to continue. I feel safe. I have space. For once, nobody’s trying to force me into anything. “This guy. I knew he liked me. I mean, I sort of likedhim, too, so it’s not like I had to make myself do something I didn’t want to. But…”

I’m ashamed of myself when I look back and remember how hopeful he looked when he tried to get me to go out with him after that night, when we had sex during the party. He was almost a different person then, sweet and sort of vulnerable. Not as hard or cruel as he is now. “He didn’t understand I had sex with him for a reason, and I didn’t know how to explain it. I sort of shut down afterward. I do that a lot,” I admit.

Looking down at my sandwich, I draw a deep breath and release it slowly. “It was Tucker.”

“I thought… I mean, after what happened at the party…” He searches my face while his face falls. Disappointment leaks into his eyes, darkening them, turning his mouth down at the corners. “I thought we could go out. Why is that so wrong?”

Because I only had sex with you to keep my dad from selling my virginity to a stranger. Yeah, I could totally get away with that. He would totally believe me.

“What happened, happened.” Why can’t he leave me alone? “It was nice, and it was fun, and I’m grateful to you for being so great about it. Some guys wouldn’t.” I might have been a virgin until just recently, but I’ve heard stories.

“So that’s it? You’re giving me the brush-off?” He leans in, almost pinning me against my locker. Now I wish I hadn’t stuck around to work on my art project after class. We’re alone in the hallway. I’m pretty sure he waited for me.

And it’s freaking me out a little, along with irking me. “Yes, if that’s how you want to look at it,” I tell him with a shrug.

“I can’t accept that.”

“You can’t?” I need to get out of this. There’s cold sweat trickling down the back of my neck and a knot in my stomach that keeps tightening. “Fine. Then how about this?”

It’s ugly, it’s cruel, but it’s the only way I can think to get rid of him after two weeks of being pestered and stalked and questioned. “I’ll tell everybody you raped me at the party.”

“That’s why he hates me now. Because I slept with him, and when he wouldn’t leave me alone after … I didn’t know what to do,” I mumble, staring at my plate. “He wouldn’t let it go, and it’s not like I could admit I needed to lose my virginity because otherwise my dad was going to sell it to some stranger. So I told him… this is so hard to admit, but I told him if he didn’t leave me alone, I would tell everybody he raped me.”

Closing my eyes, I brace myself to absorb her disgust. I can only hope she won’t regret reaching out to me and trying to be my friend after hearing what I did. “I regret it. I really do, but I felt cornered, and I was desperate to make him stop. So he hates me now.” But no more than I hate myself.

“Maya.” Her voice is heavy with sympathy and sadness. “I’m sure if you told him now, he would understand.”

So she thinks. She can afford to think that, since she doesn’t know exactly how complicated things are between us. “Well, that would be up to him. But now you know. I’m ashamed of myself, really.”

“I’m so glad you told me. Do you feel any better now that you did?”

“You don’t hate me?” I ask, holding my breath.

“Of course I don’t! My god!” She even laughs a little in disbelief, shaking her head. “You were desperate! You did the only thing you could think to do to keep your dad from hurting you. How can I hate you for that? But I still think you should explain it to him. It’s not my business, though,” she concludes, holding her hands up.

Her expression softens while I absorb all of this. “I’m here. I want you to feel like you can talk to me, because I know how it is when you’re holding secrets inside. They eat away at you, theyrot you, and you don’t deserve that. No matter whether you think you do or not, you don’t. Okay?”

It’s almost bizarre. I feel lighter. Looser. Almost relaxed. I can breathe. There’s no pressure in my chest or in my head. It almost feels the way I usually feel after I’ve cut myself, only I haven’t. I don’t know how to process it.

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