Page 50 of Meet Me in the Blue

“Love you too,” I said and heard him laugh as I made my way down the hallway.

It was pure, like all the years I’d known him, genuine and bright.

All of this was real. But it was ours to bear.

And the fear, the anxiety of how the hell we’d make it through this loss, that heavy weight I’d been carrying around all weekend, fell off my shoulders and tumbled to the ground.

LUKA

TIME EBBED AND FLOWED.The last week had been the longest and shortest of my life. I wasn’t sure how it was already Friday, and how I’d found myself sitting on the couch, in my parents’ home, surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in years, with a copy ofThe Harbor Heraldlaid out in front of me on the coffee table. Everything was a blur. The droning, polite conversation spilled around me and buzzed inside my brain. I yanked at the tie around my neck, attempting to take a breath. My collar was damp with sweat, my fingers shaking as I stared at the photo I’d taken of my father in black and white on the front page of the newspaper. Hometown Hero was scrolled across the top of the page, but in a much smaller italicized font beneath the bold headline was the truth added by the editor.Dead at sixty-seven.Gone too soon.My tribute to my father had turned into a full-page obituary. I wasn’t sure how that made me feel.

Mostly empty. Mostly sad.

“Are you hungry?” Rook sat next to me on the sofa and pressed his knee against mine. “You should eat something.”

“I don’t think I can,” I said. “My stomach is off.”

He looked good. I hadn’t seen him in a suit since his college graduation. He was all tailored and put together, and I had a toothpaste stain on my tie. Part of me felt ashamed for caring about trivial shit on today of all days. I buried my father this afternoon.

“Maybe some water?” he asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah, that sounds good, actually.” I tried for a smile.

“I’ll be right back.”

The couch shifted as he moved, and the low hum of chatter broke through my bubble. I looked up from the paper and scanned the room. It was a sea of people with frowns and finger foods, whispering to each other about my dad while shooting furtive glances at me and my family. Rook’s parents flanked my mom, keeping her in a protective cocoon while these same people offered forced smiles and pity. It was all so barbaric. Why couldn’t we mourn alone as a family? Why did we have to entertain like we’d had a wedding and not a funeral? It wasn’t a celebration of life, it was a free meal and a way for people to insert themselves into others’ misery, like the same way most people stared at car accidents as they drove by. They wanted to get a glimpse of tragedy, something interesting to talk about over dinner, a way to feel better about their own lives, all to say, “God, I’m glad that wasn’t me.”

I checked my watch and sighed. We still had an hour left of this nightmare. I stood, abandoning the paper and the picture of my father. I needed a reprieve from my own thoughts, from the heat of the room, and the watchful eyes. It was all too much. The day too long.

I started for the front door and made it halfway before Nora stopped me. “Escaping already?”

“I need some fresh air.”

She popped a stuffed mushroom in her mouth and grimaced. “I’ve eaten about a pound of these. And they’re not even good.”

“How can you eat right now?”

“Some people get drunk, some cry, I eat. It’s the only thing that helps.”

I noticed the dark smudges under her eyes, evidence of her tears and the lack of the waterproof mascara she’d begged me to buy the night before. “I might get drunk later.”

“Sounds like a solid plan.” She tucked a lock of her dark hair behind her ears. “Maybe after I drive Anders and Ethan to their hotel, I’ll join you.”

“I can’t believe your old boss and his husband flew all the way from Atlanta for this.”

“I can. Anders would do literally anything to support his friends.”

“He didn’t know Dad.”

“It doesn’t matter. You didn’t know him, but you still came with me to his wedding.”

“Not the same thing.”

“I miss working for him sometimes,” she said and tossed another mushroom into her mouth.

“You haven’t found a house yet. You could go back to Atlanta. I bet Anders would give you your job back.”

“No…” Nora placed her empty plate on the sideboard table and tucked her hands into the pockets of her navy-blue dress. “Mom is here, you’re here, and after… after everything, I guess you never know how much time you have. And I want to spend it with people I love.”

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