Page 44 of Meet Me in the Blue

“I think it will always hurt, Luka.”

He swallowed, his lips trembling again and exhaled a ragged breath. I walked toward the bed, and he grabbed the side of my shirt, pressing his forehead into my stomach. “Stay with me.”

“I will.” I ran my fingers down the long line of his neck. “As long as you need.”

He scooted to the other side of the mattress, and I pulled the covers back, a swell of nostalgia filling my stomach. We were kids the last time we’d slept in the same bed. Two boys talking about books and dreams, when the future had been as far away as the stars in the sky, and the worst things to worry about had been report cards and making it home by curfew. There was no heartache, no loss, just life to be lived, trees to sit under, and a hand to hold in the dark. Here in this bed, there were miles between us. We stared at the ceiling, our heads on our pillows with heavy hearts beating inside our chests.

“We had a good day,” he finally said after several minutes, and I turned to face him. “We watched DIY shows and had lunch together. We talked about you… and what a fucking idiot I am.” His laugh clogged inside his throat. “The nurse came, and he showered, and she said everything was fine. He took his medicine and put on that ugly sweater Nora had gotten him as a joke. Jesus, I can’t even remember what it was for.” Luka went still and scrubbed a palm over his face. “Maybe that should have clued me in, maybe he knew… But Mom came home and started on dinner. It was like any other normal fucking afternoon. He was awake the whole time, Rook. He looked like himself again. He did. He looked so good. And after Nora got there, we all ate together.” Luka stared at me, the tears on his cheeks glowing in the moonlight pouring in from the open blinds. “Dad insisted on watching that stupid movie he loved…”

“Airplane.”

“Yeah… and we all gave him shit, but of course, we watched it because it’s Dad, you know, and we all secretly love that stupid fucking movie.” Luka swiped his hand across his face and curled onto his side. He reached for me, fiddling with the sleeve of my shirt, and I brushed that perpetual strand of his hair off his forehead. “Dad fell asleep about halfway through the movie and…” He choked on a sob, his face contorting as he fought to find the words. “When… when Mom tried to wake him up to say good night… Rook… he didn’t wake up. He didn’t wake up and it was chaos. I’ve never seen my mom cry like that, and I… Nora…”

I drew us together until his heat was my heat, and his breath was on my skin. I kissed his cheek, kissed the tender skin below each of his eyes as he closed them, kissed the tip of his nose, and carded my fingers through his hair. He shivered and snuggled into me, his hands tied up between us.

“Your dad was basically my second father,” I managed to say, my heart stuttering as I tried to hold myself together for my best friend. “Your family… my second home. And I… I…” My nostrils flared, the lump in my throat doubling in size making it next to impossible to speak. “Luka…” I said, my voice wavering. “Christ, I’m so—”

“Don’t say you’re sorry. Please.” His jaw clenched, and he wiped a tear from my top lip with the tip of his finger. “It won’t fix anything.”

“I know.”

Seconds ticked by with his eyes on mine, my fingers trailing down his neck and along his spine, I’d completed the circuit a few times until he closed his eyes again. His breathing evened out and I thought he was asleep. I debated on whether or not I should stay here like this or go back to my own bed, and decided I didn’t care about right and wrong anymore. I didn’t care about the kiss or those fucking boundaries, or the feelings I had to work through. I needed to be here for him, and maybe I needed him too. I didn’t want to be alone either. I didn’t think I could stay away after having him this close again. Another piece of his hair had flopped over his brows, and I gently pushed it to the side. Luka appeared to be at peace, the tension in his face relaxed. Even though I probably shouldn’t, I rested my forehead against his.

“Rook,” he whispered, startling me. I attempted to pull away, but he captured my face between the palms of his hands. “Kiss me again.”

“Not like this, Luka.”

“I need to feel something besides this hole in my chest. It hurts to breathe.” Vulnerable, glittering blue eyes held me hostage as my heart stammered out a few clumsy beats. “I need to feel it. I need to know you meant it. When you kissed me before…” His lips were feather soft against the corner of my mouth as he moved closer. We were nose to nose, his thumbs digging into the line of my jaw. “I don’t want you totry, Rook. I need you to know… Like I’ve known since that first day when you held my hand in the woods. I was yours then, and I’m yours now.”

I didn’t understand this urgency building inside the tips of my fingers, this static need crackling like a wildfire inside me.

I was yours then.

“Do you really want this?” he asked. “Do you want me?”

I’m yours now.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“I want you.” More tears spilled over his lashes, and he was all salt and breath as I kissed his top lip. “I didn’t know… but I always have.”

Luka and I were like two rivers, raging toward the same open sea, and there wasn’t a thing in this world, not death or distance or time, or even my own naivety that would keep us apart.

LUKA

I WANT YOU.

I always have.

Those two sentences, those six words, were like a dream. I was floating, light under my own skin, the only thing holding me to the earth was Rook’s warm mouth as it covered mine, unsure and slow. His lips were wet with tears, his cheeks too. I didn’t know if this was smart, or if I was opening myself up for more hurt once the sun was in the sky and tomorrow offered me no relief from yesterday. The only relief I had was right now, with Rook and those six words and his mouth and the way he cradled my face in his hands. I was fragile, but he’d always known how to carry me. I grasped his hip, dragging our bodies together as a rush of heat spread through me. Lighting me up, it burned away the images of the day, and I opened my eyes to find Rook’s open too. Our lips parted as we looked into each other’s eyes, my thumb brushing small circles above the waistline of his sweats, his fingers tracing shapes on the back of my neck.

“Luka.” He leaned in, leaving less than an inch between our lips. “Luka,” he whispered my name again, and I shivered as his mouth claimed mine.

Somewhere in the fog, the truth of this day lurked, waiting to ambush me, but I couldn’t think, and I didn’t want to. All I wanted was him. I deepened the kiss, pulling Rook’s bottom lip through my teeth. His groan shook me to the core. I’d known this man my whole life. He was the first boy I’d ever wanted, the first man I’d ever loved, and I never thought I’d get to have him like this, never thought I’d be the one to unravel him. The blunt tips of his fingers sifted through my hair, holding my head, controlling the kiss as I moaned into his mouth. He tasted like toothpaste and memories. Every nerve ending in my body was ready to combust, and I pressed my hips into his, needing to feel him, to feel the weight of the man I’d craved since I’d understood what it meant to want. Rook’s breath hitched as my eager and clumsy hands found their way to the ties of his sweats and pulled them open.

“Wait.” He stopped me, grabbing my wrist. “Luka, we shouldn’t… you’re not—”

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