Page 35 of Meet Me in the Blue

“Shit… I’m sorry, I just… Ella Peterson. Really?”

“She’s my girlfriend. We’ve been together since April.”

“Didn’t realize there was an expiration date on your virginity.” He crossed his arms over his chest, a hard expression tightening his jaw. “I thought you didn’t like her?”

“I do… I mean… she’s nice, and kind of pretty and—”

“Kind of pretty.” He threw up his hands and blew a strand of hair out of his eyes. “You just…” He leaned across the table and lowered his voice. “Gave it up to her because she’s kind of pretty. Rook? You did it because those Neanderthals on your team wouldn’t stop teasing you about being a virgin.”

“No,” I argued even though he was skating pretty damn close to the truth.

The pancakes sitting on the plate in front of me suddenly didn’t look as appetizing. Nauseous, I pushed my plate away and stared at my best friend, something like embarrassment and regret churning inside my gut. I lowered my eyes, unable to face him. It shouldn’t matter to me this much, what he thought, but it did. Luka meant the world to me, and if he thought I’d screwed up, God, maybe I had. I hadn’t even liked the sex part that much. It was awkward and took forever for me to get into it, but I liked holding her after, liked just being there with her after something that big. I didn’t know if that was weird, or what, and I’d wanted to ask Luka, but now… I didn’t want to say anything at all.

“Rook?”

I raised my head and held his gaze. We both sat there, quiet. He picked at the edge of the table, and I fidgeted with my fork. “I like Ella, and sure, maybe everyone is having sex and I was curious.”

“Curious? About what?” he asked, sounding more sad than angry.

“If I’d like it.”

“Did you like it?”

My face was hot as I shrugged. “I don’t know. The guys always talk so much shit in the locker room, and I was expecting something… I don’t know, epic. And it…”

“Wasn’t epic?”

“No.” Despite myself I laughed, and Luka smiled. “Was it for you… when you had sex for the first time—”

“It was pretty damn epic.” His cheeks flushed and he hid his face in his hands, peeking out at me between his fingers. “I can’t believe we’re talking about this over pumpkin pancakes.”

“My mom always said if you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.”

“Gross. Your mom talks about sex?’

“All the time.” I rolled my eyes when he gasped. “Calm down, just like… she’s on my butt about condoms and birth control and I’m always like ‘Mom, don’t worry I’m a virgin.’”

“Not anymore.”

A beat of weighted silence went by as we both took long sips of our lukewarm coffees. I set the mug on the table, gearing up the courage to say what I wanted to say. “Why do you think it’s epic for everyone else but me?”

“I wish I could answer that for you.” He huffed out a sigh. “Maybe you haven’t found the right person yet. You’re young and straight, you’re destined to have lots of mediocre sex.”

I threw my wadded-up napkin at him. “Nice.”

“What I mean is… you’re special, Rook, you’re not like those idiots on your team. You’ll find someone…” His voice wavered and he swallowed. “And she’ll be amazing, and perfect for you.”

“And if not?”

“You’ll always have me.”

• ••

The Early Bird Diner was a town staple, and it didn’t matter if it was Saturday or a random Monday, the place was always filled to the brim with people. Luka and I were tucked away in a booth in the back of the small restaurant, stuffing our faces with pumpkin-flavored carbs like we were seventeen again. Nothing in this place had changed, down to the 90’s pine, the green-and-white-checkered booths, and all the old sepia photos of sailboats. I hadn’t let myself come here much while Luka was gone, too many memories. But sitting here with him, after last night, it wasn’t quite the same as when we were kids. This time I thought maybe we were at a precipice, ready to leap into the unknown of a new beginning. I’d had a hard time falling asleep last night, running over everything we’d said in his driveway, the hug. I’d let myself give in to the heat of the moment, something I’d never done before, and it had been whole and right.

I’ll always be yours.

Those four words had cast a light on our entire relationship. Every memory a map to something hidden between us. How had I missed it all this time? The way he’d looked at me. The way he’d been mine from the start. This could all be wishful thinking. I could be making something out of nothing, out of hurt and a need to repair the damage of the last five years. The feelings I had for Luka were turbulent, stirring inside a vacuum that was me and him and the revelation of my own sexuality. All the confusion I had, if I would ever belong to someone, if I’d ever want to, had cleared. Like stripes of sunlight breaking through the storm inside my head, he was there. I was an idiot for never noticing, for ignoring the obvious thrum beneath my skin, and now I had no idea what to do, how to figure out where to go from here.

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